Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,
Pollyanna
alicenwndrln

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I went to the ER today. Here's my report.

No surprises, really. I have been sick long enough that he gave me a dose of antibiotics. He said my body fought it as long as it could, & then many different strains of things attacked me, & my body could no longer fight on it's own. I probably originally just had a virus, & then bronchitis set it, laryngitis is probably headed in, & I am on the verge of "walking pneumonia." My body's just exhausted & can't fight anymore, despite all the rest I've been getting. That's one reason the pinkeye virus showed up, cause my defenses are down. He said it would more than likely jump to the other eye, so to start treating both. He said the pinkeye COULD be bacterial, but is more than likely viral, in which case the drops really don't do much good (but don't do any harm). So I am going to take a 6 pill dose of antibiotic, & Claritin, & continue the drops.

The concern is because after 2 weeks, I have had no progress. For two weeks straight, I have had a temp of around 100 degrees. It just depleted all my body's natural resources to fight. No one can fight after 14 days of a temp that high!

Hopefully, the antibiotics will help.

The worse news (to me): I went to Target to get the prescriptions filled. It came out to $80 to get TWENTY (20) pills! 6 antibiotics, & 14 Claritin!!!!! $80 for 20 pills! I literallystarting tearing up at the pharmacy counter when she told me the total. I stared at her, blinking back tears, feeling like an ass, & said, "Are these 6 pills made out of gold?" She was very sympathetic, & said, "I understand...that's why *I* can't afford to get sick." Yeah, cause I can. I felt like a loser for being so upset at the price, but I DON'T HAVE IT! If I want to get well, I don't have a choice, but there went paying a bill! There went groceries! I had gotten a couple of other things to get, some over the counter meds, some Advil (I am almost out), some Gatorade, etc....and had to put some stuff back. I used to pay a $10 copay for meds. *blink*

I don't even want to know what the ER bill will be. I had to plunk down a $50 copay right then & there (& that's only because I still have my old HMO card that says it's a $50 copay). Who knows how much more it will be than that? Maybe only $100, since that's what it was before when I went there. I had to call the ER collection agency today & set up a payment plan for my last bill. The least I could pay, monthly, is $15. $10 to another med bill I couldn't pay, & $10 to another med bill I couldn't pay....so now I am caught up (AFTER they all went to collections...what the hell, my credit was already horrible). But where I am getting an extra $35/mo.? I already can't pay my other bills. Oh boy. I *will* say that, to my pleasant surprise, all the bill collectors were REALLY nice to me. I expect them to be assholes, just the nature of that business. But they weren't. The first two were especially nice & sympathetic. So that was a load off my mind. I was expecting them to make me feel like a BIGGER loser for not having the money to pay off fairly small bills (one is $75, one is about $50, the other is $110...and I have a $50 ambulance bill to pay, too).

The good news is, I get a *little* bit of money from my grandmother (still part of my grandfather's inheiritance) in the New Year. No telling when...could be the middle of January...could be the end of Jan....could be February...whenever she & my uncle get around to it. So when I get that money, I will pay off the balances on the medical bills, pay back everyone I owe money to (don't even want to know that total), & then....well, there goes that money for the year. But I'd rather spend it all & get ALL my debts off my back (especially the ones to friends who came through for me in a time of need) & have no money, than hang onto it & still have debts on my back. I HATE debt. Part of being a decent human being is being good for your word, & part of being good for your word is to settle your debts. The fact that I CANNOT pay my bills right now....therefore breaking my word...is what is making me so depressed & down on myself right now. I would imagine the sadness, stress, & frustration isn't helping my physical health any.

Right now, I just feel awful. Down. Worn out. My lungs ache. My fever is high. My eye hurts. My throat (not my throat, really, more like where my vocal cords are) hurts. I feel exhausted. I am sad because one blossoming friendship was halted this week, & I had to boot a "friend" for hurting my feelings. So emotionally I am sad, & physically, I have just had it.

The thing is this....as I briefly expressed above, I already feel like a loser. I HATE that I can't pay my bills. I HATE that I can't find a job. I HATE that I can't get healthy. I HATE having to ask friends & virtual strangers for money & help. I HATE all that. I HATE that I don't have the money for things I want, much less bills that I am required to pay. I HATE all this. But the LAST thing I need is for someone who I considered a "friend" to throw all my loser-dom back in my face. I don't need to look in the mirror to SEE a loser, I FEEL like a loser. I don't need to reminded of it. I really don't. Heck, I can't forget it. You can apologize & blame it on a bad day...but almost EVERY day is a bad day for me, & *I* don't say mean, thoughtless things to my friends. That hurt. It hurt me really bad. It shouldn't, but it did. And that other newer friend removing me, for what I feel are unfair reasons....yeah, that hurt, too.

I suppose, this too will pass.

*sigh* No matter how tired I am of the world, it won't let go of it's grasp on me.
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