Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,
Pollyanna
alicenwndrln

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I am not feeling well. My days off seem to just fly by, leaving me feeling unrested. I like to use my days off to recharge my batteries, so to speak, & I don't feel like that's happening.

My paycheck next week will be pathetic, cause we were sent home early one day due to rain, & canceled altogether due to rain the next day. A day & a half of lost pay. Like I can afford that. *sigh*

My chest hurts really bad. But instead of it being the flu or a chest cold, I honestly think it's anxiety over my financial situation. I was laying in bed, & tried to not think about anything, clear my mind (you don't know how hard that is for someone like me)...and the pain in my chest lessened. I fell asleep, & when I first woke up, my chest didn't hurt at all. Then, after I was up for a bit, & my mind started going again, thinking about my financial problems, my chest started aching really bad again.

I honestly pray I get this new job. I need it.

I am watching "Animal Precinct." I would love a job like that. Rescuing animals who are neglected & abused. I have done a little research into it, & it seems that you have to have gone through a police academy or been a regular officer to be eligible. Also, I think I might physically harm people who abused their animals. Seriously. I don't think I could handle it. There is a dog on this episode that was so emaciated that she couldn't even stand...you saw every bone in her body. How could you starve your dog? Animals only want our love. There is another dog whose owner hit the dog in the head with a hammer. He apparently decided his dog (a weiner dog!) wasn't "tough" enough, so he hit him in the head with the hammer 3 times, trying to "toughen" him up. The dog lost his vision in his right eye. How could you do that? Pick up a hammer & hit a defensive, tiny little dog with it???? (I realize people do these things to humans, too, but that's a whole other topic.) There was an episode with a kitten they had to put to sleep, because the owner had REPEATEDLY thrown the kitten against the wall, & it was so broken, he couldn't be humanely fixed. Unbelievable.

I still have Aaron issues in my head. Believe me, I know I shouldn't. I know some of you reading that are rolling your eyes, & wondering, "WTF is wrong with her?" What can I say that would make any sense? I love the guy. We are going to Haunt together next Wednesday night, & then he is hanging out with me Halloween night, & then after that...I am thinking about letting him go, completely, at least for a while. I realize the emotional merry-go-round we are on is NOT healthy. He has been "devoted" to me lately. He is working til 3:30-4AM these days, & he spends his one night off a week with me. Monday, he even skipped school to come up & hang out with me (I disagree with him doing that, BTW). So he's not spending any time with his exes, & swears that any free time he has, he WANTS to spend with only me. But I know he still texts them, all the time, at the very least. He was over here with me, & still texting them. Then the other night, he lied to me again. Nothing major, but still a lie, & when I caught him in it, he immediately 2wayed me to try to backpedal out of it. And then the "I love yous" & "you're so beautifuls" started. His "charm" is starting to get lost of me. When he knows he is starting to lose me, he charges in with the charm. I am so smart, so funny, so beautiful, so hot, so sexy, so everything wonderful. I make him so happy. Blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I go back & forth. Sometimes, I truly think I am still in love with him. Other times, I honestly believe that I am falling out of love with him. That he's just done too much "ucky" stuff. I mean, at this point, he has told me he wants to get back together with me, BUT he is still hung up on Amber. He broke up with Amber in April. OF course, he DID sleep with her from at least May til July, maybe longer, but still. How long does it take him to get over her? They were together a month & a half. Sheesh. And after 6 months with me, he is still hung up on her? That is SO insulting to me. This girl is an idiot, but hey, she DOES have a hot ass. I HATE being second fiddle. Any time I say things like that, he points out that it's his choice to spend any free time he has with me, not her...but he also knows if he DID choose to spend his free time with her over me, he would NEVER see me again...so that doesn't mean much too me. How long am I suppose to remain patiently to the side until he gets over Amber? He won't stop texting her, calling her, talking to her at work. HOW is he supposed to get over her? What is he doing to get over her? Nothing, as far as I see. I am not turning down dates for him...no one is asking me out. But I wouldn't. I would go out with another guy if one I was interested in asked me. But how long do I hold onto this love for him? On Wednesday, I told him that he had til the new year to get over her. That as of January 1st, I am starting a new life...with or without him. But I am wondering if I should even stick around that long. I don't know how I would let him go. These nights I go without hearing from him via text cause he's working Haunt, it's difficult. I hate going without hearing from him, because it's so NORMAL. I have gotten texts & sent him texts consistantly for over 6 months. It would be hard to give up that habit. The few days I tried to separate myself from him, it was so depressing to have a silent phone all day. I kept it next to me, but still checked it constantly to see if MAYBE I had missed a text alert coming in. *sigh* And the thing is, I truly feel GREAT when I am with him. He makes me happy. He really does. He makes me feel loved, warm, & he makes me laugh. We laugh a lot. He's adorable...and so hard to resist. But I just can't play second best....I cannot continue loving a boy (yes, I purposely called him a "boy") who admits he is hung up on another girl...one he sees more often than he sees me, one he continues to stay in contact with....I just can't. I am so fucked up, emotionally, over money, career, etc., that I just don't need the added emotional stress...although letting him go would be serious emotional pain, as well....

Damned if I do, damned if I don't....
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