Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,
Pollyanna
alicenwndrln

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Can't take much more...

I'm not kidding. It's so frustrating. It's like, I manage, via some strength I didn't know I had, to stumble to my feet again, & *whoosh*, right back down I get thrown. I'm already suicidal on the anti-seizure meds, why must crap happen on top of that? Can't I get a break every once in a while? I jokingly say my motto is "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all," and sadly, it's really no joke.

I just bought a house. Before anyone goes nuts & think I got rich all of a sudden, don't. I had a relative die & the money was left in an account ONLY for me to buy a house. Not a huge amount, $30K. So a decent sized down payment.

I found a great house, a foreclosure, so it needs a few repairs. My dad said he'd help out.

Then Dad told me to piss up a rope.

So, facing closing costs much larger than they told me they'd be, I had to withdraw from my 401K to cover closing costs, appraisal, home inspection, insurance, etc. Some repairs have to be done right away, by law (unless I want to break the law, & that's not my style), some will wait til next year...although I really WANT to get everything done right away. I'm not good at waiting.

I get moving quotes, & they all tell me in the range of $65/hr for 2 men, $95/hr for 4, etc. They say their moving includes mileage, the truck, gas, etc.

So I budget $500 for moving. I have to beg my grandmother for the money, cause I just don't have that left. I had to buy paint to paint the walls, repair the flooring, buy blinds for the windows, I have to buy screens for the windows, get the chimney cleaned, etc.

I go to officially set the moving date with the movers, & they quote me, suddenly, $1000-1300. For a move 48 miles! For what should take, INCLUDING the drive, no more than 4 hours, because I'm moving from a tiny place & already moved quite a bit, so it's mainly just big things like the appliances, couch, bed, etc. They made it seem like the cost was just the straight up $65-95/hour, for how ever many hours. I feel like an idiot, but I've never hired movers before. I was ignorant.

And now I'm $500 short for moving, & I'm supposed to move a week from Friday! Let me just pull $500 out of my ass in a tad over a week. I don't even get paid NEARLY that in one week of work.

The day I was handed the keys, the realtor says, "You know the pool/spa heater doesn't work, right?" Ummmmmm, no, I sure didn't know that. The inspector said the heater fired up just fine. And now I'm told it doesn't work? The price for a new one? $2000+. So now my jacuzzi I've dreamed of is a damn baby pool. And while I SERIOUSLY need to be swimming for my health, a pool that's not heated means much less months I'm able to swim. (I have to swim for cardio cause my knees & hips & ankles are shit from 35 years of dancing.)

A certain friend volunteered to help me paint the walls. All she's done since is complain...she wants gas money....wants free food for her help....wants to not have to drive through traffic to be here at 9am. It just doesn't stop. I can't afford an extra dime. I'd give all my friends who are helping tons of free food & gas money IF I HAD THE MONEY! But every dime I've ever had to my name went into this house & the repairs/supplies to get started.

I had to go through my storage shed today. It was full of rat droppings & rat piss EVERYWHERE. All over my stuff. That made me oh so happy.

My landlord is claiming there's a 20 year guarantee on my carpet, & is acting like he's charging new carpet to me (I've been here 8 years, & other than claw marks at the bedroom door from my cats, all there is is normal wear & tear for that length of time...on carpet that was super cheap to begin with...JUST from vacuuming, pieces of the carpet pull up!). I have left this house BETTER than when I moved in....2 room ACs, custom blinds on the windows...and he's being a shit about the security deposit. I've paid my rent on time & haven't caused ONE damn problem for EIGHT DAMN YEARS....and he's being a shit. He took 6 months to NEVER to fix stuff around here & I never made a stink...and he's being a shit.

I'm not getting enough sleep at night. I'm still scheduled 5 days a week, & on my meds, after bouncing around 4-5 times in the sun during the day, I'm exhausted when I get home & just wanna sleep. But I have to pack. So I'm missing sleep...and told that lack of sleep will cause a seizure.

I'm stressed beyond stressed beyond stressed...and stress will cause a seizure.

So on top of all the money concerns, repairs concerns, lack of time to get everything done concerns....I'm freaking myself out that I'm going to have a seizure due to the stress level I'm under and the lack of sleep.

I should be excited...I should be thrilled....my own home! This little house is like my dream home! My entire life, I've dreamed of owning my own home with a pool, jacuzzi, & fireplace. I have all that. I should be on Cloud Nine.

But all I can do is stress. I'm freaking out. I started crying when I discovered that Taco Bell had put lettuce on my gordita after I told them 3 times no lettuce. CRYING! Over that!

The commute is going to suck, and gas money is gonna triple, but I needed to get out of here, & believe it or not, ALL rental places cost more per month than my mortgage! I'm going to be doing some serious job searching out there to find a job closer to the new house. My knees aren't holding up much longer, anyway.

That's the thing....mortgage wise, I'm going to be fine. I'm not sweating that at all. It's less than I'm paying now to rent, & I pay less than most people in Cali. Utility wise, I'm only adding ONE I don't pay now, water.

But it's these moving expenses & repairs that are killing me. I need at least $500 to pay the movers, & then I need a couple thousand to make the repairs that are needed. Again, when I got into this, my dad agreed to help me. Then he backed out last minute, because he said I wasn't involving him enough....hard to involve someone in house buying in Cali when he's in North Carolina!!!!!!!!!

I've got a ton more stuff to box up, and no time or energy. I mean, literally. By 7pm, I'm dragging. I'm sleepy as hell all day long....that's stress & depression, I can tell you right there.

That's another fun kicker....I can't take anti-depressants, even though all doctors acknowledge I'm severely depressed, because they ALL lower the seizure threshhold. Since I had that unexpected seizure in September, they don't want me to risk it. So my depression cannot be treated.

My brother in law says to go to a live-in counseling place. Sure, just as soon as I can crap out about $5000 for a week's stay (that's including airfare), I'll get RIIIIIIGHT on that. I would LOVE to have that kind of extensive therapy. But in our society, you have to be rich to get healed.

And yes, I have to hire movers. There is ONE person who MIGHT be able to help me move on the 20th...and she's 5'2. I'm 4'11. There is NO WAY we could safely move a stove, washer/dryer, fridge, huge couch, heavy bed, etc. There is NO ONE else who is off that day & can help. I've asked, I've begged. I have to hire professionals, & they all want more than I've got.

People can't understand why I'm not happy & excited. My first home! My own home! My dream home! But I'm too broke & too frustrated (the lending process was a nightmare, in which they overcharged me a million times, fraudulently took money, asked for a million weird things, etc) & too EXHAUSTED to experience any positive emotion.

And that sucks.
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