Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,
Pollyanna
alicenwndrln

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I had a flu shot today. I figured it would be a good idea, since I have virtually no immune system to speak of. Boy, do I feel crummy, though. They say you don't get the flu from the flu shot, but you can feel crummy for a few days, with aches, fever, and headaches. Great. Some people don't react to it at all, & it figures that I would.

My life is dreadful, as usual.

I got frustrated with my doctor's office today. They really drop the ball, a lot, & I get tired of it. I think the people setting appointments & stuff are nice people & good workers, I think they are just overwhelmed. My neuro doc is one of the best in the business, & people come from all over the country to see him. He only takes patients 2 days a week. So his case load is huge. Anyway, they finally found an MRI imaging place that would take the MRIs on lien....and the place is in Marina Del Rey. It's hard for me to explain how far that is, but more than being far, mile wise, it's REALLY fire commute wise. I'm on the VERY far tip of LA County, in Palmdale. Marina Del Rey is over by LAX. With traffic, it can EASILY take 2.5-3 hours to get there....and on the 405 fwy, particularly through the Getty Pass, there is ALWAYS traffic. I know this because it's the way I have to take to get to my neuro doc, who is also by LAX. But at least I only see him every 6 weeks. So, I tell them at the office, look, I'm BROKE, I cannot afford the gas money or the wear & tear on my car to make commutes like this any day other than my work days. I'm driving 180 miles a day, 5 days a week, to work & back. I need 4 new tires, they're in real bad shape. It's dangerous for me to drive on them as it is, but I don't have a choice for work. I have around 170K miles on my car. And driving hurts my Achilles & heels, which is the injury we're trying to fix! They kept setting appointments for me all over freakin LA County, & I said I need to have all my appointments in the Palmdale area. To rest my car AND my body. And again, literally no gas money. And then they set this appointment across the moon. *sigh* More frustrating is that I have been fighting for these MRIs for so long...and this doctor's office is so lazy (or so overwhelmed) that they didn't bother to even look for places closer to me, they just set an appt. by them. So I canceled it. I told my lawyer I literally didn't have the gas money to get there & back. I also need to stay off my feet. He said he'd loan me $20 if I could get TO the appt. How lame is that? Super embarrassing. So I go to PT today, & ask the therapist if she knows of an MRI imaging place here in Palmdale that would do the MRIs on lien. We call one place, and the girl says, "Oh sure, we can do the MRIs on lien....as long as the worker's comp adjuster authorizes it." Ummm...hey dummy, the point of a lien is because the WC adjuster WON'T authorize it! So I call another place, & they agree to do it. So I did my doctor's office's work for them. Not thrilled about it, but happy it's done. I called my doctor's office and they seemed surprised that I found a place in Palmdale. Yeah, they would have, too, if they had made some phone calls. I have MRIs on both feet & both Achilles tendons next Friday. Tears are suspected in both Achilles, a really bad one in the right leg. We already know I have plantar fasciitis.

This injury is so frustrating. I need to clean my house. I need to do laundry. I need to do chores. And I can't do anything. The 2 days off I have, I'm supposed to just stay in bed with my feet up. I'm so frustrated. I want to clean sooo bad. Yes, I'm a slob, but there's only so much even a slob can handle. I didn't even put the trash out today cause my right Achilles was hurting so badly.

I'm ridiculously broke. Yes, I know that's a broken record, but it's bad. It's the only thing that makes me want to die. There are other things in my life that are frustrating or bad, such as this injury. But nothing makes me want to kill myself like lack of money. I need about $6K to pay off my debts, & then I just need MORE money a month to make my bills. And I can't do a damn thing about it. I can't get a 2nd job because of my foot problems. Well, maybe I could get a job sitting down somewhere 2 days a week...but my health--with the epilepsy--isn't exactly up for working 7 days a week and having no rest. And NO WHERE is hiring right now. I've applied & applied & applied. And if places ARE hiring, they don't just want someone to answer phones 2 days a week. It is nearly impossible for me to give up my current job for a new job, given how much I make at my current job. I'd have to find a job that pays around the same amount, & it is next to impossible. Obviously, with my injuries, I cannot work my dancing job much longer, anyway. But what will I do? I can't go back to school. I cannot go to school AND work. I'm required to get 8 hours of sleep a night or I can have seizures...and since I like driving, I'm not willing to take those types of chances. I asked my grandmother for help paying my $500 electricity bill. I kinda need electricity. And she gave me the "What are you going to do with your life" speech for the millionth time. And I had the same answers. What CAN I do? I have a job, I work 5 days a week, I work my ass off. I work in severe pain DAILY, dancing hard core on severe torn Achilles tendons! I limp at the end of every day. I'm in terrible pain. In today's economy, I'm lucky to HAVE a job. Even my grandmother admitted that. She said she knew people with college degrees and graduate degrees who can't get jobs. I'm lucky! And yet it's not enough. I'm not making ends meet. I'm barely eating (& ironically, still unable to lose weight...thanks seizure meds), cause I can't afford food. I can't afford gas. I can't pay off my electricity bill. I'm having to borrow money from friends, which makes me have zero self esteem. I want to be independent. I don't want to ask others for help. Yes, we all need help sometimes...but I need help all the time. I'm a pathetic human being. I'm a useless piece of shit.

Nothing is going to relieve my foot/Achilles pain until I lose weight & stay off of them for a while. But I can't do either. I'm eating very little, doesn't help. I can't exercise because of the injuries. I can't go on disability to stay off my feet because if I'm not surviving on 100% of my pay, I sure can't survive on 3/4 of my pay.

I don't know how I'm going to keep going, financially. I have an ad up for a roommate, which terrifies me, but no one responds anyway. Everyone in their dog is renting out a room in this economy. And people are moving back in with their parents, too. I talked to a man who's 32 year old son & 32 year old daughter in law are moving in with him & his wife, because even though they both have law degrees, they both got laid off & are unemployed. So I can't save money on living expenses.

And I still need to hire a real estate attorney since Countrywide screwed me. But I have to find one who will work on contingency. Good luck with that, right?

Was so looking forward to the chili cookoff...and then everyone who promised to go with me backed out. I was finally going to have a little bit of fun.

I'm reaching a point of deep hopelessness. I need money & have no clue how to get it. I need relief from the pain in my feet/Achilles, but I'm not going to get it.

People tell me my life is all about my attitude. Think positive, positive things will happen. Not so. I think positive til I'm blue in the face. And then something bad happens....and then I pull myself up & think positive again...and get kicked on my ass again...wash, rinse, repeat. Attitude means nothing.

I'm going to bed. My arm hurts & I feel like crap. Gotta find someone to borrow gas money from. *sigh*

Yep. Pathetic.
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