Where am I going & why am I in this basket???

ugh

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 16:57:16 GMT

I'm so unbelievably bored.

I had to be at court today, worker's compensation court. Lame. I had rehearsal at Knott's til midnight. I left a tad early, annoying my supervisor, but still didn't get home til after 11pm. I had to wake up at 6am to be here by 8:30am. I get here a tad late cause traffic through the Getty Pass is insane, just to find out I am one of THREE cases my attorney is handling today. He gave our defense attorney permission to be late, cause, poor thing, she's coming all the way from OC and is remodeling her home. I bet you the drive from the Valley was longer than a drive from OC! And I'm pretty sure she wasn't dancing til 10pm last night. *sigh* I have another appt at 1:30, I had really hoped for a nap in between, cause it's a 4 hour psych eval. Oh boy! I sure know how to have fun!

I didn't bring anything to read, cause I did not expect to wait this long. So here I am, making a journal entry via my lifesaving BlackBerry.

I'm making fun of people's clothes, including my own. Some of the attorneys are dressed very nicely, including my own. Some are dressed in the tackiest suit combos. Do they have mirrors? Any sense of matching at all? Obviously not. A navy blazer with black pants (I'm not a fan of black and navy together)...faded blue work pants with a brown tweed jacket! Wtf? Remember KISS...keep it simple, stupid. If you have no fashion sense, just invest in a nice pair of black slacks and a white dress shirt, and leave it at that. Sheesh. It's not difficult, and if you are smart, not expensive, either. Then there are the people here to have their cases heard. Wtf? You're appearing in front of a judge! It's not appropriate to wear sport shorts, tennis shoes, and a plaid shirt! Nor are jeans appropriate. At least a few of the ones wearing jeans have nice dress shirts on top. Now, me...I have on a simple black shirt and nice black dress pants...covered in goddamn cat hair. It wasn't that way, I put them on, was running late, feeding the cats...and the white ones have great timing with their affection. "Oh look...mom has on nice black pants, let's rub against her legs." The amount of cat hair on my calves and ankles is ridiculous. Thanks, kitties. I should keep a lint roller in my car. I know better.

The lady next to me keeps talking to herself, obviously wanting to engage me in conversation. No thanks. I don't easily engage in conversation with strangers. Especially when I'm in a foul mood.

The defense attorney still isn't here. It's now an hour after the time I was called here...waking up at 6 am after working til 10pm...*bitter*

This whole fight is LAME. I'm on anti-seizure meds that make me severely depressed and give me suicidal thoughts. How odd, considering the warning info for this drug states "May cause severe depression and suicidal thoughts." Huh. Imagine that. So I go to my neuro doc all the time and state, "Hi Doc, I want to toss myself off a high building!" So he recommends I see a psychiatrist. The Prozac may not be enough with these seizure meds. Worker's comp said there was "no way in hell" they'd pay for me to see a psychiatrist. Never mind that the seizures and thusly the seizure meds are THEIR fault and responsibility. They WANT me to kill myself, then they don't have to pay out any more money for me. Bastards. Money is a lot more valuable than human life to these types. They just don't give a damn. There are days I'm thisclose to offing myself...and they don't care.

Is a psychiatrist going to be able to stop me from wanting to die? Doubtful. Is there a med strong enough to counterbalance the depressive effects of the seizure meds? Doubtful. Not much hope here.

I really want this house just outside of Nashville. No, I don't have the money for it. I'm hoping my Dad will help me with a downpayment. Then I'm going to move there and pursue a singing career. The acting hasn't exactly panned out. I'd still be able to pursue singing and live SO much cheaper. LA is just draining me, financially and emotionally. I love a lot about LA, definitely love California much better than the South...but I'm getting worn down. Traffic is insane, and I'm in it all the time. The freeways are full of bad, inconsiderate drivers out here. Most of them prolly don't even have licenses. I love the weather, but due to global warming, the summers are getting more and more hot and humid. Gas prices are through the roof, nearing $4 a gallon. Food prices, the prices of everything are crazy. I'm pissing rent money down the drain every month, and I'm fortunate to have an incredibly good deal for out here! I'm really lucky, and STILL struggling every month. Every month, I worry about rent. And this home will never be mine. At the going rate, I will never be able to afford to BUY a place out here. Dinky 2BD condos in bad areas cost around $250-350K, minimum. My friend bought a ONE bedroom APARTMENT for $330K! The house I want in TN is huge and $160K! That's just insane! And most of the neighborhoods that are remotely affordable are complete dumps. You have 2 inches of yard, and 5 feet between you and your neighbor. I priced a house for sale in my hood. I live in the GHETTO! It is NOT a nice area. And the houses are tiny. This one down the street from me...tiny 2BD, 1BA, approx 900 square feet, no yard to speak of, dangerous area...$450K! Unbelievable! And people in my hood have like 15 people living in these 2BD, 1BA houses! Crazy! I want to own a house, but not a tiny dump in the ghetto, thanks. I'd rather switch my dream around a bit to emphasize singing, and live in a virtual mansion for $160K! I look at these houses in TN and think I've died and gone to heaven! I could only dream of something so nice.

So if my dad is able to help me with a downpayment...or I win the lotto...I'm outta here. I just wish I could take all my friends with me. :-(

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 21:10:53 GMT

Due to a certain company screwing me over (long story), I'm $500 in the negative in my checking account. I have $200 due to the power company or they are going to shut off my electricity. Due, like NOW. My phone bill is overdue & about to get cut off. I didn't pay my $175 car insurance. Didn't pay my $350 car payment. At least 3 other bills are overdue & their respective utility about to be shut off. Rent is due in 7 days, max. I had $300 the other day, & this company screwed me. No, I can't get it fixed. Grrrr. I need like $2000....YESTERDAY!

I tried calling one of those cash loan places. Turned down. I've sold everything off I could sell. Still have ads up trying to sell other stuff.

I have a severe pressure on my chest. Yeah, it's called anxiety. This is so much fun. Could someone pleassssssssssse pull the giant elephant off my chest?

2 more months. I have to survive, financially, 2 more months. Then I get some Xmas money.

I have no money for food or for gas for my car.

I'm looking for a big, tall cliff to jump off of. It's not that I necessarily want to die, but how am I going to survive this? These people, rightfully, want their money. I don't have it. I feel like a total loser. I feel like I don't deserve to breathe the oxygen on the Earth. I am a terrible person. I am a failure. This is horrible. I don't know what to do.

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 23:52:24 GMT

Just a quick update...

I'm getting over my "afterglow" of my late summer love affair. There is still part of me that would like it to turn into something more, but I think the more realistic side is beating out the dreamer side. It would be so hard to have any type of relationship with this man, and it's pretty obvious--despite all his pretty words--that he's not interested, so that's that. There's still a guy here I'm interested in, but it's so hard to get to know him, cause he's so damn busy.

It looks like most of my health problems were related to an internal parasite. If so, I'd had that/those suckers in my belly for almost 6 months or so. Gross. Why couldn't they have figured that out BEFORE the colonoscopy and CT scan? Jeebus.

I need a new job. Badly. I need my career to take flight...you know, the film/TV acting one I've always wanted.

No donations to sharingadream.com lately, but TONS of international visitors, which is really cool!

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 00:46:50 GMT

Man, I am totally schnookered on a man I could probably never be with. I'd ask myself why I get myself into these situations, but truthfully, this all came about pretty innocently. I didn't really set myself up for heartache this time, and everything moved really fast.

I know I am "infatuated," yet I still cannot stop thinking about this man, and dreaming of something that is unlikely to be.

This is why I don't date much. But then again, this seriously, unexpectedly fell into my lap. I was not looking for this at all.

Bummer.

Donation!

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 22:46:02 GMT

I'm soooooo excited right now. My life is a mess of negativity lately, between guy drama, health drama, no money drama/bill drama, etc. But a total stranger warmed my heart today.

I got a donation on my site!!! (www.sharingadream.com) I couldn't believe it! I woke up to the email telling me I got a donation. I would have done backflips down the hall, if I knew how to do backflips & if I had a hall! I had a few small donations here & there from friends, but you kinda hope your friends will support you. To see a total stranger donate to your dream....that's just amazing. I'm proud of myself, too, cause as far behind as I am on bills, I still put the money straight into my Sharing a Dream account, rather than using it to pay bills. I got a separate account just for that reason. I'm not known for my financial savvy, & I didn't want any money donated to pay bills & be spent on frivilous stuff. Although, my hope is that someday, donations will reach a point where I can use the money for living expenses, since part of my dream requires staying in CA, where it's super expensive to live. Maybe towards rent & cell phone.

Man, I'm just so touched...

Grrr!

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 15:56:35 GMT

I'm getting very frustrated with the health care system.

My blood work came back with my pancreatic levels seriously elevated. They are supposed to be no higher than 60 at the most....and mine were at 175!

It could be something serious with my pancreas, but is likely--hopefully--something with my gallbladder, since that runs in my family.

My doc ordered an ultrasound...but they can't get me in til NEXT Monday, the 23rd, & then I have to wait another week for results. As if having this stuff & having pain wasn't enough, then you have to WAIT on top of everything else. Sheesh.

Meanwhile, if it were to be something like pancreatic cancer, that would be a death sentence, & it would be nice to know enough in advance to like, write a will or something.

I hate drugs!

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 21:20:52 GMT

What's worse than being diagnosed with a shitty illness? The meds for that illness making you feel more shitty.

This is the 2nd time this has happened.

The grand mal seizures were bad enough, but at least they came and went. The anti-seizures meds are the pits. The side effects suck. And I'm stuck on them for life.

Now it's the bladder meds. The doc started me on one for overactive bladder meds, VesiCare, first, to see if just that would help. It helped make me very ill. Perhaps you aren't supposed to be active or in the sun while on that crap. I was dancing onstage yesterday and thought I might die. I seriously didn't think I'd last the day. I had dry mouth (great for an actor/singer), made my heart beat too fast, made me sweat beyond what was normal, and made me feel like passing out all day. I didn't take it last night, and won't take anymore. Tomorrow night, I will start the IC med, and pray that doesn't have the same side effects. If it does, I won't be able to take it, and that will mean I have ZERO treatment options, for something that has no cure. The Elmiron is my last hope. I also would stop taking it if my hair fell out.

I'm having a hard time coping with the diagnosis. The changes to my diet are so extreme. I can't afford to eat the way I should be, which is like all organic. I can't have anything with preservations. There isn't much that doesn't. I can't afford to eat organic foods. I can't have aspartame. I can't have ketchup, can't have most cheeses. I can barely eat anything. And I'm finding that even when I DO eat off the "allowable" list, the IC still flares up. I've been in constant pain every day in my abdomen. No fun.

i frustrate me

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 23:04:38 GMT

Ai yi yi. I guess it's been a while since I've written here. I need to write more often.

Lately, there doesn't seem to be enough time in the day to do everything I WANT to do. I'm quite sure I'm not alone in that feeling. But my problem is worse than that. These anti-seizure drugs just make me exhausted. Even when I have time, I'm too tired to do anything. I have a million books to read, and I don't have the energy to read a frickin book! All I want to do when I have free time is sleep! Some nights, I actually endeavor to have a social life and hang out with my friends...and then I'm even more tired.
What, am I not supposed to have a social life and hang out with friends cause I was cursed with these stupid seizures and have to take these shitty pills? I'm only 35. I'm not dead yet. I am essentially a homebody and love to stay home alone and just watch TV, but hey, occasionally, I actually like to spend time with my friends. I have some of the best friends I've ever had, and I'm not going to roll over and play dead. But it's frustrating cause I'm tired all the time. I usually get from 8-12 hours of sleep, and yet I'm STILL sleepy all the time. It's a good thing I'm not dating right now, cause guys don't really like to hear, "Not tonight, honey, I'm really tired.". Will any guy ever be understanding of my med situation? Not only am I always tired due to the seizure meds, but I have NO drive due to the Prozac I have to take to counter balance the depressive effects of the anti-seizure meds. What guy wants a girl who never wants sex? It's not exactly that I never want it, it's just that I'd be unlikely to instigate it. And when I do have it, it's uncomfortable enough for me to be like, "Hurry up!". And once a night is plenty for me. I'm not a go all night kind of girl. I would choose sleep over sex ANY day. How sad is that? I'm doomed to a life alone, because since guys are pretty much sex fiends, there ain't one who's gonna be patient and understanding with me.

My newest project

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:55:17 GMT

I could really use my LJ friends passing this along....if any of you are good at letter writing, it would be great if multiple people wrote to major magazines (PEOPLE, Cosmo, STAR, etc.) telling them about this, asking them to do an article on it, that would be the best!

Here's my new project....it's in a VERY basic phase. Videos will be added eventually, bells & whistles (I hope), a photo album, etc. This was done by a friend for free. There are even some errors up there right now. So keep all that in mind.

Please know I don't expect a donation. What WOULD be a HUGE help, though, is you guys telling everyone you know. ESPECIALLY people with money to spare, people who like to donate to worthy causes! Email everyone you know, especially in other parts of the country. Encourage them to buy a Cassie item--t-shirt, hat, bag, license plate frame, etc.--to publicize my site, & it would be great if you did, too. There's a shirt that's only $11. Buttons & stickers are pretty cheap. Yes, I want donations to the cause, but I also am hoping for immense publicity, too. It's kinda my last ditch effort to make something of my life & career. I actually think it might work, but definitely need to get the word out! Spread it around to all your peeps in your neck of the woods, & anyone else you know across the country & world! The only way this site will work & serve it's purpose is by word of mouth. Make the site address part of your signature when you send out emails (if your email program allows that!). I purposely made the site addy really easy to remember.

www.sharingadream.com

I appreciate--and will never forget--any & all help! :-)

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 04:06:31 GMT

The Harris Hot House chili cook-off was a blast!

My first time ever camping out in a tent! Was sooo much fun, until the drunks awakened me at 12:30am, & then again at 3:30am (Stacy="SIT DOWN AND STUDY!!!!!"). Hee-hee. It was still a blast.

GREAT seeing old friends again, really great!

Thanks to Mom, Dad, & J & Mel for putting together an awesome event.

Kyle....man, I love you doode. I really, really, wwwweally do! Sooooo wonderful to see you & squeeze you again!

Alan, I tried to comment on your page, but you don't have me listed as a friend, so I was rejeeeeeeeeected. Boo-hoo! Love that smile of yours.

Stacy, tried finding you on myspace, no luck....wahhhhhhhhhhh! Anyone know how to get in touch with him?

Ryan....holy cow, where did that guy come from? Wheeeeeeeeeeee! Too much fun!

Kristine...best smile EVER! Next time...bring your suit...so you can take it off with us in the spa! ;-p

Dan & Chelsea...thanks for burning the HELL out of my tongue! (But your chili was delicious, & great seeing you both...Chelsea, how's your knee?)

Mike...brown chicken brown brown!

David.....he was a cutie & so helpful....helped Amber & I put our tent up. Sweetheart.

Mom, Dad....expect a package in the mail soon!

Mel, J....soooooooooo awesome seeing you guys! You both look great!

If I forgot anyone, don't take it personally! I am STILL exhausted (but happy) from my weekend excursion...

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 05:09:11 GMT

I gotta take a few steps back.....how do you pull back when you are getting close to someone? When every quiet moment's thought is about him? I don't know that he's going to hurt me, but I sure don't want to get hurt, so I think I need to be a bit protective & back that train up....*beep*beep*beep*beep*

Got my staples taken out today. Dang, that hurt. Not nearly as bad as when they put them IN, but still....stung a bit....

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 02:26:46 GMT

Sometimes it really sucks to be me.....

I finally meet a guy I like. I met this guy, Chris. I was surprised how much I liked him. Hadn't liked anyone like that in a long time. We got along really well, laughed a lot, enjoyed each other's company.

I have been really sick this week, & earlier this week, he brought me dinner. I told him he didn't have to....he said, "Is it okay if I want to?" :-)

But then he started to say something about how while he found me irresistible, he didn't think we were a good match. I knew there had to be more to it than that.

Sho 'nuff.

Today he told me this girl he'd had a crush on for years but never pursued suddenly asked him out....they went out the other night, & had a good time. He said he felt if he didn't give it a chance, he would always have regrets.

I can understand that.

But it's still a damn bummer for me....

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 04:39:34 GMT

Today would have been my mom's 60th birthday. She died at 52.

RIP mom. Happy birthday. Tell God I said hi! I love you....

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 04:14:18 GMT

I just typed a looooong venting post & then my pc crashed right before I went to hit "update." Hear that? That's the sound of my tears hitting the keyboard......*sigh*

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 04:53:00 GMT

I gave a dollar to the Hurrican Katrina fund.

If you know my financial situation, you'd know that means a lot....

Felt good to me anyway....

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 14:30:01 GMT

Dare I hope.....things are looking up.....*tentative smile*....

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 19:32:52 GMT

My ex-boyfriend, Aaron, might be taking me to a mental hospital. I am having a breakdown. Pray for me....

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 04:53:02 GMT

I am watching "Lilo & Stitch 2." It doesn't seem to be nearly as good as the first one, but that frickin Stitch character is ADORABLE!!!!! I want one! He's soooooo cute! And it's cool that they kept all the same characters in, that the aliens moved in with Lilo & her sister.

Little help please!

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 20:06:54 GMT

Can anyone help me with HTML codes? I particularly need how to change the font color & size....but other cool stuff would be awesome, too....many thanks if you can help!

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 15:53:24 GMT

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 01:19:54 GMT

105 degrees???? Huh???? What the hell? Actually though, I found it to be more miserable around 90 in the Caribbean cause of the humidity. I didn't even leave the house today til after 12, so it might have gotten hotter than that. I know my car was a sauna when I got into it.

The day started kinda crappy. I had to go to Van Nuys to deal with my cellphone. That was the closest Sprint repair store. I hate Van Nuys. It's such a disgusting city. It should be burned down & rebuilt. The drive over there was extremely annoying. The offramp I needed was closed. I got off at the next one, turned around, got back on the freeway going the other way, & discovered there WAS no exit that direction. So I ended up on the 170, not really knowing where I was going. I found the place, but drivers around there were PISSING me off. It was hard to find a place to park....& then I was a fish out of water in the store. Probably around 30 people in there, I was most definitely the only Caucasian person in there. But the guy who helped me was really cool. He said the connection for the charger goes bad, so I had to get a new charger with the data cable on it, since the charger slot was basically now useless. They exchange it for free, but I still had to BUY a new one for my car. What a pain in the ass. But I left there with THAT annoyance lifted. I hadn't been able to fully charge my phone in weeks....& the beeping from it charging/not charging, charging/not charging was soooooooooo annoying. So I was soooooo relieved to get that problem fixed.

Then I went to the post office to mail some earphones back to my dad. I needed some noise-canceling headphones, & he was soooo happy to find some for me on ebay...but one side of them didn't work. He wanted me to mail them back to see if he could fix them. He probably can, my dad can fix ANYTHING (except maybe a broken heart!).

Then I went for my massage with shaktim. I was really early, so I was just going to kick it in my car for a while. He ended up coming out to let his doggies pee, & I recognized him, so I went in for the massage early. It was really nice & relaxing. I felt a lot better afterwards.

My friend, Alicia, got rushed to the ER today. She is diabetic & hasn't been taking care of herself. I swear, I am gonna smack her. She KNEW her insulin had gone bad, but was too broke to get more, & too prideful to ask for help. I would prostitute myself to give her money for insulin if it meant her life. Geez. They gave her lots of insulin, & luckily she is okay now. Last Friday night, she took half a bottle of Tylenol.....I don't know what she's going through, but I am not going to allow her to self-destruct.

Why do idiots keep emailing me tasteless emails? Strangers....guys I don't know.....emailing me sexual stuff. Soooo inappropriate. Leave me alone. I am not interested in that crap. Sheesh. Do I need to crop my cleavage out of that photo? How lame is that? Have some class, people....*rolls eyes*.....

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 04:13:41 GMT

I just had an angel visit me. :-)

My friend, Andie. She knew I was sick today, so she asked if I needed anything to eat. I told her I needed some bread. She showed up at my house with groceries galore. I have been too broke to buy any groceries.

I felt terrible, though, cause she just had a bunch of unexpected medical expenses, but she insisted. She's very religious, & she said she needed to tithe anyway, & since she doesn't have a home church, she just as soon bless a friend with her tithe to the Lord. She did bless me. I feel very blessed. I have food. And a great friend. :-)

Hoepfully, I will be better soon. I was hoping this didn't last too long. I had to call in sick to work today, & might have to again tomorrow....just can't be perky & bounce around in this heat with a fever. But I definitely cannot AFFORD to miss these days of work....but I tend to lose my voice when I am sick, so if I press myself, I will miss even more work....*sigh*

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 03:56:33 GMT

I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick! I am NOT getting sick!

:-(

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 03:39:01 GMT

Some day soon, I will do a post about my cruise. It was, honestly, the best vacation in memory. My cousins are developing good personalities. Momme Dot worried me a bit, though. She's declining in health, mentally & physically, & it's a bit scary to see.

I was super active this trip....my family complained they never saw me except at dinner & karaoke idol. That's not exactly true. The boys went on a snorkeling excursion in Curacao with me, & everyone but MD went on a kayaking trip in Aruba & a catamaran/snorkeling trip in St. Maarten. I went on excursions by myself Tuesday (horseback riding....a cute white horse named Sara), Wednesday (swimming with the sea lions, including one named Sara!), & Saturday (Screamin' Eagle Jet Boat). I rollerbladed, ice skated (LAME), & climbed the rock wall twice. Napped whenever possible. Usually went to bed after dinner, around 11ish, except the karaoke nights. Met a guy the first day who was traveling alone, Terry. He was a cool guy, from Florida. He bought me some stuff in St. Thomas (the incense, 2 body oils, shorts, a wallet...). Such a nice guy. Our waiter, Umit from Turkey, had a crush on me & wants me to come stay with him in Turkey. :-) Our assitant waiter (waitress), Lui, was awesome. The sports staff members--John, Nuno, Alex, Jeffrey--were awesome guys. I got to be good friends with a guy on the cruise director staff, Frankie. He wants to come visit me in LA. That's just a quick Reader's Digest version...

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 03:30:41 GMT

Great.

I am really into incense (perfumes, etc., anything that smells good). I got a pack of it in St. Thomas, Lemon Chiffon. I didn't know how it would smell, cause I am not too into lemon. Damnit, it's really good....& now I can't get more.