real Alice

(no subject)

On the movie front, I still have no clue if my scenes will end up in the movie. It was a good AND bad experience, & that's hard to explain. Of course, I had a GREAT time being a movie actress...every day felt like a dream. It IS my dream. But there were some unfortunate things I don't want to get into. Anyway, I guess I'll have to wait til the cast/crew screening (assuming I get invited) to see if I made the final cut. Given past experiences, I'm not real hopeful...yet I still hope.

(no subject)

I had a flu shot today. I figured it would be a good idea, since I have virtually no immune system to speak of. Boy, do I feel crummy, though. They say you don't get the flu from the flu shot, but you can feel crummy for a few days, with aches, fever, and headaches. Great. Some people don't react to it at all, & it figures that I would.

My life is dreadful, as usual.

I got frustrated with my doctor's office today. They really drop the ball, a lot, & I get tired of it. I think the people setting appointments & stuff are nice people & good workers, I think they are just overwhelmed. My neuro doc is one of the best in the business, & people come from all over the country to see him. He only takes patients 2 days a week. So his case load is huge. Anyway, they finally found an MRI imaging place that would take the MRIs on lien....and the place is in Marina Del Rey. It's hard for me to explain how far that is, but more than being far, mile wise, it's REALLY fire commute wise. I'm on the VERY far tip of LA County, in Palmdale. Marina Del Rey is over by LAX. With traffic, it can EASILY take 2.5-3 hours to get there....and on the 405 fwy, particularly through the Getty Pass, there is ALWAYS traffic. I know this because it's the way I have to take to get to my neuro doc, who is also by LAX. But at least I only see him every 6 weeks. So, I tell them at the office, look, I'm BROKE, I cannot afford the gas money or the wear & tear on my car to make commutes like this any day other than my work days. I'm driving 180 miles a day, 5 days a week, to work & back. I need 4 new tires, they're in real bad shape. It's dangerous for me to drive on them as it is, but I don't have a choice for work. I have around 170K miles on my car. And driving hurts my Achilles & heels, which is the injury we're trying to fix! They kept setting appointments for me all over freakin LA County, & I said I need to have all my appointments in the Palmdale area. To rest my car AND my body. And again, literally no gas money. And then they set this appointment across the moon. *sigh* More frustrating is that I have been fighting for these MRIs for so long...and this doctor's office is so lazy (or so overwhelmed) that they didn't bother to even look for places closer to me, they just set an appt. by them. So I canceled it. I told my lawyer I literally didn't have the gas money to get there & back. I also need to stay off my feet. He said he'd loan me $20 if I could get TO the appt. How lame is that? Super embarrassing. So I go to PT today, & ask the therapist if she knows of an MRI imaging place here in Palmdale that would do the MRIs on lien. We call one place, and the girl says, "Oh sure, we can do the MRIs on long as the worker's comp adjuster authorizes it." Ummm...hey dummy, the point of a lien is because the WC adjuster WON'T authorize it! So I call another place, & they agree to do it. So I did my doctor's office's work for them. Not thrilled about it, but happy it's done. I called my doctor's office and they seemed surprised that I found a place in Palmdale. Yeah, they would have, too, if they had made some phone calls. I have MRIs on both feet & both Achilles tendons next Friday. Tears are suspected in both Achilles, a really bad one in the right leg. We already know I have plantar fasciitis.

This injury is so frustrating. I need to clean my house. I need to do laundry. I need to do chores. And I can't do anything. The 2 days off I have, I'm supposed to just stay in bed with my feet up. I'm so frustrated. I want to clean sooo bad. Yes, I'm a slob, but there's only so much even a slob can handle. I didn't even put the trash out today cause my right Achilles was hurting so badly.

I'm ridiculously broke. Yes, I know that's a broken record, but it's bad. It's the only thing that makes me want to die. There are other things in my life that are frustrating or bad, such as this injury. But nothing makes me want to kill myself like lack of money. I need about $6K to pay off my debts, & then I just need MORE money a month to make my bills. And I can't do a damn thing about it. I can't get a 2nd job because of my foot problems. Well, maybe I could get a job sitting down somewhere 2 days a week...but my health--with the epilepsy--isn't exactly up for working 7 days a week and having no rest. And NO WHERE is hiring right now. I've applied & applied & applied. And if places ARE hiring, they don't just want someone to answer phones 2 days a week. It is nearly impossible for me to give up my current job for a new job, given how much I make at my current job. I'd have to find a job that pays around the same amount, & it is next to impossible. Obviously, with my injuries, I cannot work my dancing job much longer, anyway. But what will I do? I can't go back to school. I cannot go to school AND work. I'm required to get 8 hours of sleep a night or I can have seizures...and since I like driving, I'm not willing to take those types of chances. I asked my grandmother for help paying my $500 electricity bill. I kinda need electricity. And she gave me the "What are you going to do with your life" speech for the millionth time. And I had the same answers. What CAN I do? I have a job, I work 5 days a week, I work my ass off. I work in severe pain DAILY, dancing hard core on severe torn Achilles tendons! I limp at the end of every day. I'm in terrible pain. In today's economy, I'm lucky to HAVE a job. Even my grandmother admitted that. She said she knew people with college degrees and graduate degrees who can't get jobs. I'm lucky! And yet it's not enough. I'm not making ends meet. I'm barely eating (& ironically, still unable to lose weight...thanks seizure meds), cause I can't afford food. I can't afford gas. I can't pay off my electricity bill. I'm having to borrow money from friends, which makes me have zero self esteem. I want to be independent. I don't want to ask others for help. Yes, we all need help sometimes...but I need help all the time. I'm a pathetic human being. I'm a useless piece of shit.

Nothing is going to relieve my foot/Achilles pain until I lose weight & stay off of them for a while. But I can't do either. I'm eating very little, doesn't help. I can't exercise because of the injuries. I can't go on disability to stay off my feet because if I'm not surviving on 100% of my pay, I sure can't survive on 3/4 of my pay.

I don't know how I'm going to keep going, financially. I have an ad up for a roommate, which terrifies me, but no one responds anyway. Everyone in their dog is renting out a room in this economy. And people are moving back in with their parents, too. I talked to a man who's 32 year old son & 32 year old daughter in law are moving in with him & his wife, because even though they both have law degrees, they both got laid off & are unemployed. So I can't save money on living expenses.

And I still need to hire a real estate attorney since Countrywide screwed me. But I have to find one who will work on contingency. Good luck with that, right?

Was so looking forward to the chili cookoff...and then everyone who promised to go with me backed out. I was finally going to have a little bit of fun.

I'm reaching a point of deep hopelessness. I need money & have no clue how to get it. I need relief from the pain in my feet/Achilles, but I'm not going to get it.

People tell me my life is all about my attitude. Think positive, positive things will happen. Not so. I think positive til I'm blue in the face. And then something bad happens....and then I pull myself up & think positive again...and get kicked on my ass again...wash, rinse, repeat. Attitude means nothing.

I'm going to bed. My arm hurts & I feel like crap. Gotta find someone to borrow gas money from. *sigh*

Yep. Pathetic.
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real Alice

And another thing....

I hate that you lose friends when you're depressed. It's a big bad world, & I can understand someone who is already having their own depressive issues not wanting to read about someone else's...but when friends abandon you because you are depressed, that's truly shitty. Friend in need, indeed. I have people tell me, "I can't read your stuff any more, you're always down, there's never anything positive." Hellllloooooo? I'm depressed! That's how it works! Should I post fakely happy shit? Be dishonest? Lying seems like such a better option.
real Alice

I'm troubled...

I rescued a baby crow today. At least, I tried to help.

I came out to take my foster kittens to the shelter for their shots & de-wormings, and found an injured crow by my driveway. No idea where it came from, but it looked pretty messed up. It would squawk at me, but it let me get right next to it. There were 2 healthy crows swooping on me every time I got near the injured one. I felt like I was in "The Birds." I wasn't too worried, though, cause I was trying to help & figured (prolly unwisely) that they'd eventually realize that. I didn't know what to do, so I left on my way....and then turned around & came back. It was a good thing I did, cause then I found the injured birdie in the middle of the street at the end of my driveway, just missing getting hit by cars speeding by. I tried to come up behind it to encourage it to get out of the street, & the other crows started to swoop on me more. So I took the kittens back inside, let them out in their room, & then went back to the top of my driveway. Adorably, the little injured birdie walks up the whole driveway to me, and plops down under the front of my car, about 6 feet away from me. He didn't appear to be terribly scared of me.

I was afraid he'd go back to the street, so I plopped down by my car in the driveway to watch him, while I was waiting for animal control to come pick him up. I fed the other two some bread, which seemed to calm them down a bit, but they stayed 20 feet from me in my front yard tree, squawking at me & tearing my tree up cause they were obviously upset. The injured bird wouldn't eat. He kept curling up and laying his head down, causing me to think he was dying, but I watched his breathing stay steady, so I knew he was still alive. It looked so sad, though.

About 1.5 hours after I called animal control, an officer shows up. He sees the crow, & explains that it's a baby, he doesn't have his flying wings yet, & probably fell out of the nest. That was likely mom & dad that were protecting him & swooping on me, staying in my front yard with us. Heck, these birds are HUGE, & the baby wasn't "baby" sized. I knew he was a bit smaller, & looked a bit different, but I wouldn't have pegged him as a baby. He had lost a lot of feathers, so it's possible he fell out of the nest & was hit by a car or attacked by a dog or something. Animal control took him away, to a vet, & it looked heartbreaking to me. He just grabbed the baby by one leg with a gripper pole, and carried him like upside down to the cage in the truck. The poor baby was so scared, squawked all the way, & so did his parents. The officer said he'd take him to the vet right then, & hopefully they could save him.

I feel like I betrayed him. The little guy wasn't scared of me, prolly had no experience with humans yet, & seemed to kinda liked me. I feel like in that 1.5 hours, I had earned his trust, & proved that I wouldn't hurt him. Then the officer comes & picks him up in what looks like a harsh method, and they little guy gets taken away from his mom & dad....and mom & dad lose their baby. I felt like I did something wrong....but mom & dad couldn't help him, & he was likely to die without human intervention....from his injuries or from attack by another animal (there are coyotes in my hood, & he couldn't walk very fast) or by being hit by a car. So MAYBE I saved his life...but he'll likely never see his mom & dad again, & they're childless suddenly, & maybe the vet will euthanize him....I don't know....

I'm just not sure I did the right thing...but it was all I knew to do...
real Alice

Battle of needs

I'm battling two important needs today.

My friend confessing her childhood sexual abuse brought my own abuse back with a punch to the gut. I've been crying most of the day.

I took the day off of work to pack my house & head up with a load of stuff to the new one, & unpack there, paint some more, etc.

Now it's 3pm & I'm emotionally exhausted.

Do I look out for my mental health, take a "mental health day" & just sleep & relax, maybe do some packing later?

Or do I pull it together, set emotions aside, & do what I planned to do?

I can't decide which need is more prevelant...emotional rest need or the need to get stuff done...
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real Alice

Can't take much more...

I'm not kidding. It's so frustrating. It's like, I manage, via some strength I didn't know I had, to stumble to my feet again, & *whoosh*, right back down I get thrown. I'm already suicidal on the anti-seizure meds, why must crap happen on top of that? Can't I get a break every once in a while? I jokingly say my motto is "If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all," and sadly, it's really no joke. Rant here.Collapse )
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    exhausted exhausted
real Alice


I'm so unbelievably bored.

I had to be at court today, worker's compensation court. Lame. I had rehearsal at Knott's til midnight. I left a tad early, annoying my supervisor, but still didn't get home til after 11pm. I had to wake up at 6am to be here by 8:30am. I get here a tad late cause traffic through the Getty Pass is insane, just to find out I am one of THREE cases my attorney is handling today. He gave our defense attorney permission to be late, cause, poor thing, she's coming all the way from OC and is remodeling her home. I bet you the drive from the Valley was longer than a drive from OC! And I'm pretty sure she wasn't dancing til 10pm last night. *sigh* I have another appt at 1:30, I had really hoped for a nap in between, cause it's a 4 hour psych eval. Oh boy! I sure know how to have fun!

I didn't bring anything to read, cause I did not expect to wait this long. So here I am, making a journal entry via my lifesaving BlackBerry.

I'm making fun of people's clothes, including my own. Some of the attorneys are dressed very nicely, including my own. Some are dressed in the tackiest suit combos. Do they have mirrors? Any sense of matching at all? Obviously not. A navy blazer with black pants (I'm not a fan of black and navy together)...faded blue work pants with a brown tweed jacket! Wtf? Remember KISS...keep it simple, stupid. If you have no fashion sense, just invest in a nice pair of black slacks and a white dress shirt, and leave it at that. Sheesh. It's not difficult, and if you are smart, not expensive, either. Then there are the people here to have their cases heard. Wtf? You're appearing in front of a judge! It's not appropriate to wear sport shorts, tennis shoes, and a plaid shirt! Nor are jeans appropriate. At least a few of the ones wearing jeans have nice dress shirts on top. Now, me...I have on a simple black shirt and nice black dress pants...covered in goddamn cat hair. It wasn't that way, I put them on, was running late, feeding the cats...and the white ones have great timing with their affection. "Oh has on nice black pants, let's rub against her legs." The amount of cat hair on my calves and ankles is ridiculous. Thanks, kitties. I should keep a lint roller in my car. I know better.

The lady next to me keeps talking to herself, obviously wanting to engage me in conversation. No thanks. I don't easily engage in conversation with strangers. Especially when I'm in a foul mood.

The defense attorney still isn't here. It's now an hour after the time I was called here...waking up at 6 am after working til 10pm...*bitter*

This whole fight is LAME. I'm on anti-seizure meds that make me severely depressed and give me suicidal thoughts. How odd, considering the warning info for this drug states "May cause severe depression and suicidal thoughts." Huh. Imagine that. So I go to my neuro doc all the time and state, "Hi Doc, I want to toss myself off a high building!" So he recommends I see a psychiatrist. The Prozac may not be enough with these seizure meds. Worker's comp said there was "no way in hell" they'd pay for me to see a psychiatrist. Never mind that the seizures and thusly the seizure meds are THEIR fault and responsibility. They WANT me to kill myself, then they don't have to pay out any more money for me. Bastards. Money is a lot more valuable than human life to these types. They just don't give a damn. There are days I'm thisclose to offing myself...and they don't care.

Is a psychiatrist going to be able to stop me from wanting to die? Doubtful. Is there a med strong enough to counterbalance the depressive effects of the seizure meds? Doubtful. Not much hope here.

I really want this house just outside of Nashville. No, I don't have the money for it. I'm hoping my Dad will help me with a downpayment. Then I'm going to move there and pursue a singing career. The acting hasn't exactly panned out. I'd still be able to pursue singing and live SO much cheaper. LA is just draining me, financially and emotionally. I love a lot about LA, definitely love California much better than the South...but I'm getting worn down. Traffic is insane, and I'm in it all the time. The freeways are full of bad, inconsiderate drivers out here. Most of them prolly don't even have licenses. I love the weather, but due to global warming, the summers are getting more and more hot and humid. Gas prices are through the roof, nearing $4 a gallon. Food prices, the prices of everything are crazy. I'm pissing rent money down the drain every month, and I'm fortunate to have an incredibly good deal for out here! I'm really lucky, and STILL struggling every month. Every month, I worry about rent. And this home will never be mine. At the going rate, I will never be able to afford to BUY a place out here. Dinky 2BD condos in bad areas cost around $250-350K, minimum. My friend bought a ONE bedroom APARTMENT for $330K! The house I want in TN is huge and $160K! That's just insane! And most of the neighborhoods that are remotely affordable are complete dumps. You have 2 inches of yard, and 5 feet between you and your neighbor. I priced a house for sale in my hood. I live in the GHETTO! It is NOT a nice area. And the houses are tiny. This one down the street from me...tiny 2BD, 1BA, approx 900 square feet, no yard to speak of, dangerous area...$450K! Unbelievable! And people in my hood have like 15 people living in these 2BD, 1BA houses! Crazy! I want to own a house, but not a tiny dump in the ghetto, thanks. I'd rather switch my dream around a bit to emphasize singing, and live in a virtual mansion for $160K! I look at these houses in TN and think I've died and gone to heaven! I could only dream of something so nice.

So if my dad is able to help me with a downpayment...or I win the lotto...I'm outta here. I just wish I could take all my friends with me. :-(
real Alice

(no subject)

Due to a certain company screwing me over (long story), I'm $500 in the negative in my checking account. I have $200 due to the power company or they are going to shut off my electricity. Due, like NOW. My phone bill is overdue & about to get cut off. I didn't pay my $175 car insurance. Didn't pay my $350 car payment. At least 3 other bills are overdue & their respective utility about to be shut off. Rent is due in 7 days, max. I had $300 the other day, & this company screwed me. No, I can't get it fixed. Grrrr. I need like $2000....YESTERDAY!

I tried calling one of those cash loan places. Turned down. I've sold everything off I could sell. Still have ads up trying to sell other stuff.

I have a severe pressure on my chest. Yeah, it's called anxiety. This is so much fun. Could someone pleassssssssssse pull the giant elephant off my chest?

2 more months. I have to survive, financially, 2 more months. Then I get some Xmas money.

I have no money for food or for gas for my car.

I'm looking for a big, tall cliff to jump off of. It's not that I necessarily want to die, but how am I going to survive this? These people, rightfully, want their money. I don't have it. I feel like a total loser. I feel like I don't deserve to breathe the oxygen on the Earth. I am a terrible person. I am a failure. This is horrible. I don't know what to do.
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