Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

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Random Rambling.....

There's a great, fun site Hot or Not .

You can go on & rate people's picture 1-10. My highest score is a 9.3, & I got voted "person of the week." It was funny to me, cause the pic I submitted was in black & white, with no smile (RARE for me!), & just a headshot....most of the females that have that high of a score are showing some serious cleavage, etc. I am surprised I scored that high with just my unsmiling face. Surprised but definitely pleased.

So anyway, they have this newer feature called "meet me." People who sign up can either have their picture rated, or use it to meet people, or both. I signed up for both. So far, over 800 guys have wanted to meet me....and yes, I keep count. When someone clicks that they want to meet you, you get sent an email. You get taken to THEIR profile & pic, & you either click on "yes" that you want to meet them, or "no" that you don't. I usually click "no" (hey, we know how picky I am!). Right now, I have about 120 matches, I just deleted a bunch that, inexplicably, never contacted me....I think the most I have had at once was 135. It's annoying, because when you have a certain amount, it shows people how many matches you have. So I get lots of guys emailing me saying, "Wow, 135 matches, how can I compete?" I don't understand why someone would click that they want to meet me, & then never contact me. That doesn't make much sense, but oh well.

Some of the guys I click on are really cute, & others just sound interesting & I have no intention of them being a romantic interest. I email back & forth with several of them right now, one is coming from Chicago in 2 weeks & we will meet then.

Even if you just go to rate people, it's an amusing site. Of course, I tend to rate people really low. Guys get graded on a curve cause they get really low ratings, generally. I am always amazed at the horrible quality of pics that some people put up to get rated. People say to me, "Well, gee, maybe people are not as vain as you are!" Ummm...if you are putting your pic online to be rated, you obviously have SOME vanity. And why would you WANT people to rate you low, by putting up a stupid, awful picture?

Anyway...first of all, allow me to say how surprised I am with the amount of pictures that show the guy with booze in his hand. These type of pics are plentiful. For one thing, are these people taking cameras to bars? And for another, sorry, that's just really unappealing (to me). And I am shocked when such a person clicks to meet me, since my profile says I am looking for guys in my area (LA County) who don't drink, smoke, or do drugs....and I still get pics of guys drinking, smoking, & that live in the Netherlands! Go figure! Either they are stupid, don't read, or stubborn, or conceited enough to think they can win me over no matter what. Whatever.

So this guy clicks that he wants to meet me....I follow the link to his pic/profile. Not a bad looking guy....and then I read his profile. I copied it to paste here: "I like to be spontaneous, mischievious, etc. I am not looking for relationships, i'm married happily. If you don't mind being discreet meet me & let's see what might happen..." That just makes me sick. This guy is looking for women to have an affair with, through the internet. His poor wife is probably clueless. What a pig! I pity any woman who would click "yes" to that. If you just want an easy & noncommited lay, you can just as easily do that with a single man. And what galls me the most is his comment that he is "married happily." If you are happily married, you don't cheat. If you are not getting the sex you need, it probably is not a good match. If you ARE getting plenty of sex, but still need outside stimulation, you have a problem. Needless to say, I clicked "no," & only wished I had a way to tell him, "You disgust me & you ought to be ashamed of yourself." Heck, I ought to click "yes" & string him along long enough to get his personal info, & then tell his wife. But that would be meddling. His cheating, I suppose, is none of my business, even though it's my natural desire to "help" others.

Yesterday, at work, my friend Alicia did my eye make-up. I had done light "street eyes," & she & Erin said I needed much darker eye make-up for the stage (I was going to a show). So she caked it on....it actually was still probably less than many women wear on the street, but it felt like a lot on me, since I hardly ever wear any. So we go out on set, & Erin asks me to perform the show (I was just an escort that day). I said, "But I look like a hooker!" And she says, "You look fine! It's dark outside!" As if to say, yes, I look like a hooker, but it's too dark for anyone to tell. Of course, she didn't mean it that way, but we got a good laugh out of it, nevertheless. So I am out there feeling all insecure, & after the show, this woman walks up pushing a stroller. I thought she was going to get a picture with one of the characters, but instead, she came up to me. She said, "I just wanted to give you a compliment." So I thought she was going to compliment the show or my voice, which happens occasionally. Instead, she says, "I just wanted to tell you that you are really beautiful, & even from far away!" I was certainly surprised. That's twice in two days. Personally, I think it's coming from the fact that I am more positive INSIDE these days, cause if anything, I have gotten uglier since I have put on weight! I think inner happiness reads more & makes you seem pretty. I was really silly in the show, just having fun, & I think it reads. Anyway, I thanked her profusely, & turned to Erin who smugly said, "SEE??? You should wear make-up ALL the time!"
We also got a good laugh out of her specifying that I looked pretty "even from far away." I took that to mean the way I call some people "FAD good-looking"...."From A Distance good-looking." You know the types, from far away, they are pretty or handsome, & then you get up close & they scare you a bit. So two seemingly back-handed compliments in a row...."you look great....it's dark!" & "you look great, even far away!" :-)

So I am chatting with two guys right now online. One I met on Hot or Not. He's a good looking, sweet guy...but he's not the brightest crayon in the box. He was talking about how his current dog doesn't like baths as much as his old one, & he said, "She don't like it as much as my old dog did." Ugh! That bugs me to death! "she don't?" Try, "she doesn't." Grammar is NOT rocket science, it should mostly come easily. Stuff like that, anyway. But should he ever actually ask me out, how would I tell someone that I am not interested in anything romantic because they are not intellectually what I look for? In other words, "you are too dumb for me." Ick. But call me an intellectual snob, but I DO expect a bit more in a significant other than THAT. The other guy I am chatting with is a friend from work, Kenn. He's a great guy, really cute, too. But he is just now in the process of getting a nasty divorce, which says, "DON'T GO THERE" automatically, but also, he's got a small son. That is SO not cool with me. I just don't get serious about men with kids. It's not my thing. And in his case, it's truly too bad, cause I know he'd treat me great. But it's obviously not meant to be.

****DISCLAIMER***This is really personal & sexual....if you know me & don't want to know such info about me (TMI!), skip this part.****

Speaking of dating.....I am getting a bit nervous about something. I have ZERO libido. Nothing. Nada. I keep hearing that my age is when a woman comes into her full sex drive. HUH? Is it just me? Is there something wrong with me? Don't get me wrong...when I am with a man, & he is doing certain things, YES, I enjoy it (by certain things I mean oral sex performed on me), & yes, I orgasm. But I have no desire for intercourse, whatsoever, & usually find it more painful or at least uncomfortable than pleasurable. The level of pain or uncomfortableness depends on his size. Now, before you ask, yes, I have seen a gyno about it, & there doesn't appear to be anything physically wrong with me. I see a gyno again in about a week or so, so I will check again. I have enjoyed sex in the past, & even still sometimes in the present, so I honestly don't feel anything mental is holding me back. For instance, I dated this guy named Ryan. He was a fireman, & hotter than hot. But even with him, I never DESIRED sex. Oh boy did I ENJOY it, but I never desired it. When it happened, it was great, but I never would have instigated it. Does that make sense? Even as much as I like oral sex, I still don't desire it. And I most definitely don't really enjoy GIVING oral sex. To be fair, I think that truly depends on the guy & how much I like him. But I DETEST sperm (that includes the pre-stuff) with a PASSION. I think it's disgusting....the smell, the taste, the texture. I have serious problems with it. Which makes me wonder.
Guys like to point out that girls "cum" too....but my standard response is, "I didn't ask you to do what you just did. If you found it gross, not only would I not expect you to do it, I wouldn't even ask." I almost married a guy who NEVER went down on me. Not once. And it just didn't matter. I see sex as so low on the importance scale, that it's almost non-existent. Which is a serious problem. Men being men....they like sex. A lot. So this is obviously going to be a problem for me. I mean, honestly, I am far from un-fun. I enjoy watching pornos, I like playing with toys, & am pretty open-minded in the bedroom (more than most, anyway), & I have been told on numerous occasions (& we ALL know men don't give compliments unless they mean then, cause they just wouldn't take the time) that I am "great" in bed. But....no libido. So the other day, I met this guy online. Handsome, & seemed my type. We had chatted a few times, & he seemed great. We made plans to meet in person. Then we were chatting on night, & he mentioned something about wanting someone who dresses sexy & is "wild" in the bedroom....that made me question what he was looking for, & after making a few more comments back & forth, he says, "Ya, you know, you don't really sound like what I am looking for, do you have any cute girlfriends?" SAY WHAT????
He continued to say I sounded "frigid." I wouldn't go that far....but I am seriously lacking in the libido category. Either way, he was extremely unappealing, & I basically told him to kiss off. And then I was talking to Sammy, the one who's coming from Chicago, & he made the comment, "I want a girl that I can take home to mom, but she's a porn star in the bedroom." I mean, shit. And this guy honestly seems like one of the "good ones." Is that all men care about? Seriously. It seems to be on their minds constantly. How am I ever going to find a guy who places as little importance on it as I do? I don't want a man who wants it daily or 3 times a night. Here's the thing....I do love intimacy. I love to kiss & cuddle & make-out......like I am ever going to find a man who feels the same way. **sigh**
Frankly, it truly concerns me a bit. I would suppose it's a bit odd to basically have no desire at all. And I haven't a clue what to do about it, or what the problem is, or it this is just *ME*, & just the way I am going to be, the way I was "made" so to speak....or
maybe I just haven't found the right guy.....I simply don't know.

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    Still no clue what I'm going to do. No clue at all.

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