Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

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So many jumbled thoughts.

Someone did a post about me. Two in fact. What a tribute! *wry smile*As we all know, there are two sides to every story. She posted her side. My side, naturally, has quite a few variances. For one thing, I think she entirely missed a huge point. I tried to make the point long ago...but apparently, it went over her head.

She said I was welcome to comment, but that she wouldn't respond. Ummmm...what would be the point in my commenting, then, eh? I hadn't read her journal since our friendship ended...until Sunday night. Someone pointed me that way, & I had an inkling posts were going to start coming from a few people about me. And of course, naturally, NOW I'm continuing to follow, cause, well...ya know. It's all about me, & it gives me a thrill to see that people just can't stop talking about me.

She states most of the facts truthfully, surprisingly enough. However, when she states that I "freaked" out when she pointed out hypocrisy to me, that isn't exactly how it happened. I had someone else once point out a direct contradiction I'd made...and I owned up to it. She says I criticized people for things like drinking to their faces...but couldn't take someone criticizing where I lived, so that was hypocrisy. First of all, I openly state that I disapprove of alcohol. No denials there. I also openly state that I feel that people who OVERINDULGE in alcohol are foolish (not that that person IS a fool, just that DECISION is foolish). But I won't sit there in a group of people who I *know* drink frequently & make nasty comments about booze. Yes, I will state I hate it, I will state I disrespect people getting drunk....but I won't sit there & badmouth it over & over. People started dissing Los Angeles/Southern California. It was several people, & the nasty comments kept going. Ummm...that is my home. That is where I have chosen to live. I made a couple of calm comments that I didn't appreciate the non-stop nasty comments. I was told I had no sense of humor. I said that wasn't true because I thought the one on Alabama (my home state) was funny. But the comments on Los Angeles were blatant stereotypes that I had heard way too much. You see, in this group, if I DARED to stereotype ANYTHING, I got flamed. How DARE you, Alice? That's a stereotype! ALL (insert whatever here) are not like that! But when people started stereotyping how SHALLOW Southern California people are, how EVERYONE here has plastic surgery, everyone is a dumb blonde or dumb surfer, etc, & I dared to speak out against THAT stereotyping, GOD FORBID! I have no sense of humor! I began calmly...it escalated. It wasn't that this ex-friend pointed out what SHE saw as hypocrisy (it is or it isn't....I don't think it was...some think it was....it's all a matter of opinion, & it doesn't really matter here). It's fine to point that out. Like I said, a lesser friend once pointed out a contradiction I'd made, & I calmly owned up to it. What upset me was that she IMMEDIATELY, from the FIRST comment, FLAMED me, hard-core. The way she spoke to me was NOT the way a "friend" addresses a "friend." It wasn't like a calm, "Now, Alice....remember how you say people who drink excessively are wrong? Don't you think it's hypocrisy to say that people making fun of your home is wrong? Don't YOU judge others sometimes?" She was rude, out of line, & downright COLD. You say that sometimes it's hard to tell tone over the net. There was NO mistaking this tone. She was COLD. She was obviously angry & frustrated. But she was COLD. Previously, even when we had a fight (which she mentioned), I still saw her as a warm-hearted person. Sweet little girl. She had always been sweet to me. Even when "putting me in my place," it had always been done with warmth, with the desire to "help me be a better person," etc. This time, out of left field, she was just flat out a bitch. She was cold as cold could be. I was stunned. I had NEVER seen that side of her (which she now admits GLEEFULLY to having), & had never even dreamed she had it in her. ESPECIALLY to be that mean to ME. I feel it was undeserved in THAT instance, & I felt we were good friends. She hurt me deeply. Not making myself out to be a martyr, but it's the truth. She hurt me deeply.

She claims that I am judgemental. Yet she judged me. That's hypocrisy. She claims to hate negative people. Yet is friends with 3 of the most---ADMITTEDLY---negative people I have ever known. That's hypocrisy. She claims to take exception with the fact that I turned around & wrote how hurt I was in my journal. Number one, God forbid I should express my feelings in my journal. I mean, gee, journals aren't for feelings. *rolls eyes* She says I called her mean.....I probably DID say she had been mean to me...but she had. Extremely mean. No lie there. She said I should have approached her privately, not expressed my feelings for all the public to see. Ummm...first of all, I had very few "friends" on my friends list at that time. Secondly, I NEVER once used her name nor her LJ name....so ONLY those who witnessed the original fight in the community would have known who in the HELL I was talking about! And those people saw it all go down...they SAW her be mean to me. They witnessed my hurt...naturally, they would defend her over me. But the people from that group were the only people who would have known I was talking about her, & even then, some of them were probably clueless. So there wasn't any "public embarrassment" (you know, unlike her actually using my real name, which she did on purpose), & heck, not even that many people reading my journal back then. And after how un-called for rude she had been to me...how much she had hurt me...did she really deserve the courtesy of an email from me? Could SHE not have approached ME through email to flame ME like that? Did SHE need to do it publicly on the boards? Obviously so. She evidently wanted to air some personal dirty laundry on public boards, so why should I not publicly display my hurt? And who the hell was really reading it, anyway??? I showed her the same respect she showed me, which was nada. She said that basically my personality had started to irk her. That she was afraid that with all I disapproved of, when would SHE disappoint me? Gee, I have never had anyone end a friendship with me because they were either afraid of a challenge or because they were WORRIED that I would be disappointed in them. I STRONGLY disapprove of pot, but I have friends who smoke it, & my sister smokes it. I still love them. I don't respect that decision. But I don't love them any less. So that's a cop-out, from someone who claims to be emotionally strong. That's an inner fear....fear of more rejection in her life...that caused her to give up a good friendship. She wanted to reject me before I could possibly reject her. She will deny that...but I know enough about her life to know that's a really good assessment. I truly loved & adored her. She could basically do no wrong in my eyes. I don't drop people as friends because they occasionally do things I don't approve of. I mean, if they kill someone, maybe.

One fight we had was because I said that people who give sexual pleasure to someone while driving in a car are irresponsible & thoughtless to others sharing the road. An orgasm/sexual pleasure...talk about a driver distraction! I hold to that opinion. Does that mean I am going to drop or look down on my friends who HAVE done that? Of course not! We all make mistakes! We all do things "wrong" from time to time. NO ONE can sit here & intelligently argue with me that sucking your boyfriend's dick while he's driving 70 on a freeway is NOT dangerous. Gimme a break! She got defensive, because she KNOWS it was wrong. She's a pretty smart girl. Otherwise, if she didn't think there was anything wrong with it, she would have been like, "Yeah, it wasn't the smartest thing, but I wasn't thinking about what was smart at the time. *wink*"
But I didn't think any LESS of her. That's just silly. I am telling you...it's the reject them before they can reject me thing. I would never have rejected her. Well, maybe if she did something really heinous.

There was no communication after I did that post on her. It wasn't nasty. It was matter of fact. She was mean. That's what I said. It came out of the blue. That's a fact. We had been friends...and she cruely & coldly slammed me. It was not appreciated. She then turned around & wrote nasty shit about me in HER journal. THIS from a woman who claims to rise above the shit. She couldn't rise above with a ladder. What galls me is that she CLAIMS to be this wise guru. All-knowing...all-loving....all-accepting....100% open-minded. None of which is true. After someone did a post on me, she responded a NASTY response. Keep in mind, whereas my way of thinking might have fallen out of favor with her, I never did anything TO her. You don't start being nasty to someone JUST because you have decided you don't like the way they think. So I am against drinking & drugs....is that a reason to START being nasty to me? Is talking about my hurt feelings when you hurt ME a reason to start being nasty to me? Hardly, on both counts. So she makes a snippy comment....to which I responded, saying I really didn't deserve her venom, & if she EVER considered me a friend, please cut the nasty comments. Well....instead of seeing that peaceful, wise guru act, she gets MORE upset. Could it be because she knows I am right? That I DON'T deserve that kind of venom? She then felt the need to do not one, but two posts about me. And actually using my name, when I have always kept hers out of it.

How can someone claim to be peaceful, loving, open-minded, spiritual, wise, a guru, etc....when they behave like she does? Shit, just admit that YOU can ALSO be close-minded...just admit you ALSO make mistakes...just admit you can ALSO be a hypocrite....just admit you are NOT all-knowing...NOT a guru of ANYTHING...not peace-loving, etc. You can't claim all that & then act the way you act. You have shown a childishness & an immaturity beyond my imagination (or rather, beyond what I ever would have imagined for YOU). You are NOT mature. You are NOT "all-that." You've got a lot of fabulous qualities, but you have certainly shown me your ugliest ones...ones you tend to claim you don't even have. I remember you saying that you hated how one person would say she was a bitch & proud of it....and now you BOLDLY brag about your bitchiness. You are PROUD of your nasty behavior. That stuns me.

You think you misjudged me, & bonded too soon? Well....the feeling is definitely mutual. You are the only one in the group I no longer communicate with, & you are one of the ones I felt closest to. I am shocked at the side I have seen. The way you have treated me---and proudly---is far worse than any off-hand judgment I could make about anyone. Please don't make the mistake of thinking yourself better than me. You've proven you are not. We all have positives & negatives. We are all human. You are no better than anyone else.

I sincerely thank you for your friendship, however brief it was. I had a lot of good times with you....stars, incense, Karinn, Tucumcari, comparing height & boobs, karaoke....those are the times I choose to remember. I hold you no ill will, & never did. I never really understood WHY you behaved the way you did. But I certainly respect whatever decision you needed to make for your life. You can say or think that I am blowing smoke, but I genuinely wish you all the best in life. I hope you make it as a writer. I hope you do whatever you want to do. I think, deep down, you have a good heart. I loved you once. I certainly don't hate you now. Never will.

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