Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,
Pollyanna
alicenwndrln

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Thoughts, thoughts....random thoughts.

Where to begin....

I am glad those conjoined twins were separated successfully. I think that anyone who chooses to keep babies conjoined is nuts. Even if it means the death of one of the babies, you must choose to separate them. If both don't live, one life wasn't meant to be. The likelihood of conjoined twins living any semblance of a "normal" life is slim to none. These particular twins would have had no shot at that at all, since they would have been able to do nothing more than lay on their backs their entire lives. It is very sad when twins are born this way...and even more sad if one dies while being separated. But it's the only compassionate choice. My opinion...deal with it.

On the man front...I had all these possibilities. I met Josh when I got back from my cruise. He seemed to really dig me...and wanted to see me again when he came back from out of town. But I haven't heard from him. I'm not sure he would have been right for me, anyway. Todd never called me again...I found myself okay with that. I remember posting that I felt zero chemistry between us. He was a handsome, sweet guy...but not a rocket scientist & just no chemistry between us. I think he realized that. Then I thought this little boy (18 years old!) at Knott's was a cutie & possible boy-toy (hey, I admit 18 is pushing it, but some younguns are mature beyond their years). He turned out to be a total dork & also not a rocket scientist. Cute...but that's about all he has going for him. On Wednesday, I jokingly told him he should come do the Macarena with us during our show...and he happened to be walking by when we were doing that show later in the day. He actually came up, into the stage, past the rope that keeps the crowd back, & took his place next to Charlie friggin' Brown & clumsily did the Macarena! Erin---who normally would have pushed someone back who did this, stared with her jaw dropped, & I was so flustered *I* didn't know what to do. And our supervisor was watching, too!!! *ack* MAJOR turn-off! Sheesh! And then there is David, our Camp Snoopy tech at work. He's a mere 23. I thought he was really interested, by the way he flirts....but he JUST started dating this usher girl, Dorys. Erin says it seems like he IS interested...but he's interested in Dorys, too (who is very different from me!), & it's almost like he's kicking himself for the whole "when it rains, it pours" kinda thing. He's a cutie...he has the cutest smile. But I don't think I could have had anything serious with him, anyway. It turns out that I have known his sister for years....and he is friends with my good friend, Quique. Small world.

Then there is Alan, my sailor boy. Sheesh. As chappell says, I unleashed the beast. Remember those casual, slightly distant but friendly emails he sent me just after the cruise? Yow, what a difference a couple of weeks make! Every email I get from him describes---in detail---what he wants to do to me when he sees me again! And I mean, these emails make ME blush! That's truly something! This is a guy who is a virgin at 29 (almost 30), who has BARELY done anything other than KISS! And has only kissed 5 girls in his entire life! And suddenly, the way he's talking to me....yow! I can't believe it! It's not as if WE did that much. We barely did more than kiss, & barely even did that! He is trying to get me on his ship (he said something about wanting me to come onboard so we can cum onboard!....this is the Pentecostal guy!!!!). I WILL go see him if he gets me either a really, really cheap rate or pays my way. I can swing my airfare if I scrounge....but I can't afford the $1500 cruise ship fare (for single occupancy!). He is only supposed to get a discount for direct family after 6 months onboard...but is trying to arrange something. If he can...I will go see him. And teach him a few things. Heh-heh...

And then there's my online flirtation. Like he was ever an option....I mean, I'd be with him, but we live across the country from each other. So it's not remotely practical. Not only that, I don't think he'd be remotely ready to settle down...he strikes me very much as the playboy type. That's not an insult, by the way. Just the way I see things. But I am SOOOO hot for him. He is SOOOO sexy. I might meet him in person one of these days....and baring unforeseen circumstances, I think we would be positively combustible. I just can't wait to kiss his sexy lips. And we are good friends, too. But as far as long-term potential...obviously, given current circumstances, there is no chance for that. Shame, really.

Then there is J.B. We have only emailed each other, & kept trying to meet, but it just didn't happen. Now he's going to Texas tomorrow. He is not sure when he will be back, but wants to meet when he gets back. He is a nice potential...but who knows?

So in other words...not really any significant options. I am kinda tired of the "dating game." It just doesn't hold any amusement for me. Part of me is happy alone & part of me is tired of being alone. ALL of me is tired of the dating crap. Oh well...it seems I am destined to be single for a while yet. I truly like Alan...but circumstances prevent us from being together. I really, really like my online flirtation...but circumstances prevent us from being together. Guys I meet out here just aren't doin' it for me. Guys who seem interesting just can't seem to get it together. *sigh*

We all know I have a lot of drama in my life. But I don't feel I go OUT OF MY WAY to intentionally CAUSE drama. Drama seems to find me all on it's own! I will get wrapped up in drama sometimes. But I don't go into LJ & do a post that is INTENDED to start shit. I don't go out of my way to hurt people intentionally who never really did anything to me. I don't push people away in a time of need. I just don't understand it. I don't understand the need to be the center of drama.

I haven't heard from George S. Clinton yet. I still hope to. I only just mailed his agents, so it may be a while before they get his mail to him...or he might not ever get it!

I called my handyman to see how much he'd charge me to install my new a/c, to get old debts off my back. Do I have ANY money to do it? Nope. But I will do it anyway, just so the debt is gone. I am waiting for a call back to see how much he'll charge me. If it's over $150, I just can't swing it at all. *sigh*

I don't know what I'd do without chappell. I truly don't. I'd probably be dead.

I got my plane tickets to Alabama. I *NEED* this vacation like no tomorrow. I truly do. I look at it like a sabbatical. But true to me, even the thought of a lovely, relaxing vacation stresses me out! The tickets stressed me out cause they jumped from $197 to $226 to $426 to $446!!!!! If they had stayed in the $400s, I wouldn't have been able to go! And I went through HELL with my grandmother to get permission to go out to the lakehouse! But thankfully, they went back down...not to where I had hoped they would, but enough. I have THAT particular stress off my back, anyway. So now I stress over paying the tickets....having money for gas & food....whether or not a particular friend can make it....how I will pay my bills while I am gone....if we can find a waverunner to borrow...if my aunt & uncle will come out on Sunday & let us use their waverunner....if my great uncle will let us use his ski boat...if we will have fun....etc., etc. If it's possible to worry about it, I am. But I *NEED* this vacation.

And then I have to deal with Halloween Haunt. I am scheduled to do it, but I forgot that I had that cruise in October (yeah, I know, it sounds like I am going on all these exotic vacations....) that will make me miss two days of it. You are not allowed to miss ANY days. So I don't know if they will let me do it now. Probably not. Which might be for the best...but I dunno.

Then there's the cruise worries...how am I paying the balance? How am I paying for expenses while there? Paying bills while gone? Geez...I can't ever relax...and notice that the majority of my stress is financially related.

Speaking of money...if Alan IS able to pay my way on the cruise to the Caribbean to visit with him, I would go Nov. 10th. I can only dream. It would be soooo awesome. I love the Caribbean, particular these ports (St. Maarten & St. Thomas, which I love...and Aruba & Curacao, which I haven't seen)....I LOVE cruising....I really, really like Alan....etc. But how would I swing the rest of the money?

Dangit, I just have all these things I want to do so badly...but my financial situation doesn't allow me to. What a drag. I can't even pay all my bills. What am I thinking? Sheesh! Such big dreams!

I wish I could get an agent....and start getting jobs...and stop struggling....*sigh*
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