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Where am I going & why am I in this basket???
 
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Friday, June 1st, 2001

Time Event
9:08p
Oh sad times.....
Mom....

Have you been thinking of me? Or more importantly, have you been "feeling" me lately?

Cause I am going through Hell & you usually feel that, & pop up to tell Enrique something for me.....

Anyway.....I have been pretty good, pretty happy up until lately. I have noticed a direct correlation with being broke & being depressed.

Things are crazy.

I met with one of Garry Marshall's screenwriter friends about my script, Fred Freeman. He really liked it & gave me some great ideas for rewrites. He mentioned that maybe I could take his writing class, but it's in Santa Barbara, & I doubt I could take it for free. Garry had said that he would try to hook me up with some independent film makers, as that would be the only way I would be able to make my film with me as the star. But now he's saying the independent film makers he knows are kinda.....sleezy. And he really doesn't want to get involved. So while everyone says the script is "really good"....I am still going no where with it.

After 11 years of struggling to succeed, I just don't know how much more I can take. Everyone keeps saying I am going to be "extremely wealthy," "extremely successful," "an extremely popular & famous actress"....and oh gosh, I am "so talented, & so charismatic".....yet I can't get my damn foot in the door. I understand that acting will just be a path I take to directing/writing/acting....but I can't even get started in the acting, which is what I truly believe will lead me to the directing/writing (as so often happens in this biz). I sent out those hundreds of headshots/resumes, & not one agent I submitted to wanted me. I finally got that one manager, but now that he has my pics & resumes, I haven't gone on a single audition. Not one. In weeks. I KNOW I am talented....I KNOW I have charisma....I KNOW I have what it takes to make it. Yet I don't....no one will take a chance on me.

I am so broke I cannot afford to take a writing or directing course at The Learning Annex. I very much want to & am willing to...but you can't squeeze blood out of turnips, & I simply don't have the money.

I had to borrow $500 from a friend to pay rent today. Two friends from the internet whom I have never met sent me $200 more or so, so I could pay some utility bills. I have no money for gas or groceries. Even extra work/stand-in work, which I am perfectly willing to do...they never call to book me. I pay a calling service $60 a month....and am lucky if I get ONE day of work. I hardly ever get work. I am perfectly willing to work to pay my bills...but no one will give me work.

I adopted 3 dogs, had to take 2 back (one was aggressive....sadly, cause he was sweet most of the time & will never be adopted, due to health issues......and the other was just too hyper for me), kept one & got one different one. So ended up with Toby & Annabelle. Well, while we went to PetCo to get pet supplies, Annabelle dug her way out of the backyard & either escaped or was stolen (her collar had been undone & left behind & all the "Lost Dog" posters have been removed).
This has hurt me deeply. I loved that dog, & I only had her for 24 hours or so. I don't understand why she didn't want to be with me. I thought we bonded. I don't understand why whomever found her doesn't take her to the pound, to be returned to her owner. She had a bandana on, so they know she belongs to someone. I am deeply troubled over losing this dog. I just remember her sweet, trusting eyes looking at me with love, & her licking my face...and can't get over her leaving. I would have given her such a great home. Toby, on the other hand, stayed behind & is the best dog ever. I really think he needs a little friend, cause I am gone long hours & he is left alone in the backyard, but after spending $300 on Annabelle (& it going down the drain), & now being broke, I cannot afford another dog. Even at the pound, it would be about $100, which I just do not have.

Since I have been going to the pound nearly every day to see if Annabelle has been turned in (unlikely, since my gut tells me someone has her...she was gorgeous & SO sweet), I have had a very heavy heart. I see all these adorable, sweet dogs looking at me with their sad eyes, wagging their tails, begging me to take them home....yet, I, obviously, cannot. And what breaks my heart is knowing that, if they don't get adopted, they will be put to sleep. It's so cruel. Most of these dogs are sweet & haven't done anything wrong....but since so many people don't spay & neuter, there are unwanted litters & the strays get put to sleep. Not only that....a lot are turned in by their owners, for reasons varying from decent to just plain callous (one family was moving & just didn't want to deal with moving the dog!). How can they turn in the family pet knowing it will be euthanized, when there are rescue places that will take the pets & NEVER euthanize them??? The pound said that very rarely does a dog or cat over the age of 1 get adopted, cause everyone wants a puppy or kitten. I have to keep checking for Annabelle, but these visits to the pound are spiritually killing me. It's just breaking my heart.

For instance, today I saw the cutest, sweetest cats. There were 4 that touched my heart. One was a big fat Siamese mix whose eyes were blue & crossed! Very sweet, very gentle, about 3 years old...unlikely to get adopted, cause he is cross-eyed, fat & old (to most people). Another one was really gentle & just wanted to be touched...she was lactating, so obviously had just given birth. She became "available" on the 13th of May....so she will be one of the first to be put to sleep. She gives birth...and then no one wants her. There were two kitties that I particularly fell in love with. Both of them were "talkers," meowing loudly when I approached them. They also both stuck their paws out of the cage at me....trying to grab me. They put their little heads against the cage for me to pet them. Both were just at a year old....so they may not get adopted. I would have taken them today...but if I got other cats, I would have to declaw their front claws, as Duncan is declawed, & heck, cat claws just plain hurt (& do a lot of damage). So...I figured it would cost me around $400 to get the cats, $136 to adopt them, $170 to declaw them, & $100 for Frontline (that's a 7 month supply.....fleas are REALLY bad this year). Just $400 bucks to save these 2 cats from certain death....and I am so pathetic & broke that I cannot save their lives. What a loser I am. They finally find someone to save their lives, & she hasn't got it together enough to pay for them. So they die.....I would just like to have more cats....and another dog, too. Especially ones that I am "saving."

But that brings up another question....how would I afford them? You have to pay to have their teeth cleaned once a year or so....all their shots....their food....Frontline.....and any medical problems that come up. <>

All I want in the world is a house that I OWN, a car that runs well, a bunch of pets to love, & a successful career. If I had the latter, I would have the rest.

I just see 11 years of struggle with next to nothing to show for it. I am attractive, charismatic, smart, funny, & talented. Yet NO ONE WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE. How much longer am I to struggle? How much longer am I to wonder if I can pay my rent or put food in my mouth? How much longer am I expected to "deal" without wanting to end it all?

I would never kill myself, I am too against violence. But that doesn't stop me from praying to God that he takes me. Sometimes I just want to be with my mother. Sometimes I just don't want to live this life anymore. It's too hard. I am strong, yes.....but even Hercules couldn't hold the world on his shoulders forever.

My family gave up on me a long time ago. I am tired of being constantly broke, yet I couldn't possibly ever do anything else. I am doing everything I can while being broke, I got those directing & writing books, & am starting to read them. I truly DO want to sign up for writing & directing courses at the Learning Annex, but again....with what money? Garry told me today that I need to lose some weight....I cannot afford Pilates, or hockey, or a gym. The only thing I can do for free is jog but I have bad knees/legs, & my neighborhood isn't all that safe. Everything I NEED to do requires money. And I have none. I have literally gone through my savings. I cannot go to my family, cause they still think I have money invested! They would KILL me if they knew it was gone. But I needed to pay rent & all my other expenses, & money doesn't last long when there isn't any coming in.

I am looking into a job where I would have to dress sexy & dance sexy with strange, probably nasty men. But the pay is good (about $15.75/hr). So I am compromising some principles to continue pursuing this dream. I will not enjoy working such a job (& I am assuming they'd even want me, I am not exactly "hot"), but I will do so if I have to. I have to take a night job; for one thing, my job at Knott's goes full-time on the 16th, so days aren't available, & after that, I am theoretically leaving days open for auditions, even though I NEVER get any.

Why won't anyone give me a chance? Why can't I catch a break in this world?

Complicating things....I feel like I don't fit in on this Earth. With the way I feel about drugs, alcohol, & smoking, I really don't. My friend is having a party Sunday night. I had to tell her I couldn't go, cause people want to get drunk & smoke weed. Some of the girls criticized my decision, saying I shouldn't let what others do bother me. But it DOES bother me. I see drugs & alcohol as evil & very destructive, & POINTLESS. While, on the one hand, I am proud to be the way I am, cause I know I am in the "right," on the other hand I don't like being so different.

What is my point on this Earth? Where is my place? Do I have one? Is there any reason to pray to keep living? Is there any sign of things changing for the better for me? Sheesh....I would be happy getting commercials....I would be happy just paying my bills, & having some left over to save.

I don't know what to do. I am at an all-time low. Surprisingly, Enrique says my mother hasn't spoken to me lately, & I thought she always came around when she knew I needed her. I need her, I need somebody to help me....I am very, very lost & depressed, & feeling very helpless.

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