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Where am I going & why am I in this basket???
 
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Tuesday, June 12th, 2001

Time Event
10:47p
<>
So....still terribly depressed.

I still have no money. I actually basically got offered a job, to manage a PaPa John's (the manager there said they make pretty good money)....but of course, the hours wouldn't work with my Knott's job. The earliest I could get off at Knott's is 5:30, & they need someone who can start at 5PM. And the other drawback is that it would be the closing shift, which I think goes til 2AM.....and then I would have to be back up at 7AM for Knott's the next day.....so that would work out to about 4 hours of sleep a night. I would get soooo sick. I have a low immune system (I was diagnosed with Epstein-Barr virus a loooong time ago), so anytime I don't get 8 hours of sleep a night, I get sick.

The sad thing is....just about any job I apply for that starts after my other shift ends is going to go late into the night. So I am screwed there. Maybe I could just get a night job on my two days off from Knott's....but then I would be working 7 days a week, & that's not exactly healthy, either.

This particular month is killing me. I have to have spending money for my cruise. If I don't, my family will wonder what's up. Plus....who wouldn't spend money on some trinkets from a foreign country? I am only human. I was hoping to have an extra $300-500 for my trip.....that ain't gonna happen. I am barely going to pay my bills for the rest of this month & the beginning of July (I am gone through the 8th).....that's IF I do.

I am tired of money problems. I am just simply tired.

I see skinny little people....and I wonder why God put me in this career field, where size matters. Why couldn't I be blessed with a fast metabolism, or be naturally thin? And or, why couldn't I have the money to hire a personal trainer? I am constantly told that, for Hollywood, I am "too fat" to play the ingenue, & "too thin" to play the funny sidekick....so I am screwed. My friend told me I either have to lose weight (even if I lose some, I will never be the weight I would truly need to be, since I am medium boned & busty, AND the camera adds ten pounds.....so even if I were to drop down to 110, that STILL makes me 120 according to the camera) or GAIN weight, & for my health & self-esteem, I certainly won't do the latter.

I cannot afford to join a gym. I cannot afford to take Pilates classes, yoga, karate, etc. I recently started jogging....only to realize that I am developing shin splints & stress fractures. There is not much I can do for weight loss that doesn't cost any money. And when I started eating healthier, I found it cost me a LOT more at the grocery store to eat healthy....so I don't even have the money to EAT better.

I am depressed at my weight. I think I am fat & ugly. I have good days where I put on a nice outfit & think my curves look pretty nice, or days that I think my face looks pretty. But lately....those days have been few & far between.

I just don't like myself lately. I don't like my life.

I am tired of having little to no success in Hollywood. I have struggled for this dream for over 11 years....and nothing. Then I see people like that Colleen chick from the first "Survivor"....she didn't struggle a day in her life. She was on "Survivor," & now has a major movie under her belt, & is on the cover of a beauty magazine. I don't even think she is that pretty (she is cute), but she has a nice body so everyone thinks she's "all that." She can't act her way out of a box....and yet, there she is, on the big screen. She has an agent....and I have tried for years to get one, while putting theatre credit after theatre credit under my belt....doing extra & stand-in work to "pay my dues." And I get jack shit.

I watch one of my fave TV shows, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer," & I see that one of the lead recurring characters----Willow's girlfriend, Tara---is a girl I did a play with in my hometown, when I was about 15 & she was about 10....I thought she was homely & untalented....and there she is, on national TV every week, on one of the best shows on the air. And I haven't done jack.
She is no better of an actress than I am....and really, no prettier....but she is thin. And evidently, lucky.

Which, obviously, I am not.

Why do I never have any luck? Why do things go so badly for me?

I try to always think positively, & it apparently does me no good.

I don't know how to get out of this funk. I imagine if I did not have the stress of money problems, I would automatically be lifted out of this depression. But I don't see my money situation changing any time soon. I am not getting any acting offers, can't get an agent....doubt I will win the lottery. The only way I am coming into money any time soon is if a rich relative dies....and that is NOT the way I want even one thin dime. I would rather be broke & have all my loved ones alive.

I just don't get it. Everyone I meet----even including car salesmen!---say, "You are going to make it!" Everyone thinks I am so talented, so funny, & so charismatic.....yet I DON'T make it.

Love....forget that. For one thing, there aren't any viable possibilities right now. I have literally met no one that I am remotely interested in. But that could be intentional. This may sound odd, but if I even so much as picture a guy staring lovingly into my eyes or being in physically pleasure, I get grossed out. I just cannot handle it right now. And I really don't know why. I can only surmiss that there is a reason. Maybe because I am so depressed right now, the "powers that be" think it would be a bad thing to involve anyone else in my problems. No one needs to deal with my baggage....I cannot even deal with it myself.

I started crying in the car on the way home tonight, because I just feel absolutely helpless. I look around at my pigsty of a house, know I need to clean/straighten it....and just feel helpless. Bill after bill comes in & I know I need to pay them....and I just feel helpless. I know I need to remain positive....but I just feel helpless.

I honestly have no idea how to get out of this funk....I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I almost wish I would get a terminal disease or something, so I could just die & all my problems would be over. I have often felt like an embarrassment to my family, because I am the first person in my family to NOT go to college! How awful! I doubt they talk about me much. I know they are not very proud of me, because in their eyes, what do they have to be proud of???

I just don't know what to do....I am trying so hard to get out of this....but things keep happening to pull me right back in....and I don't see any solutions to my money worries.

I have had a couple of friends send me money, but I do not want that. First of all, I want to rely on myself, I want to take care of myself. I am old enough!!! I don't want to borrow money from anyone!!!!! The people who have lent me money....they need the money themselves. They have kids to take care of. They don't have the money to be sending me money....and even though they say they don't care if I ever pay them back....it's extremely hard for me to live with that kind of guilt. I think that just sucks. And I am not their responsibility.

I am responsible for myself. And I continue to let myself down.

I sure hope I get out of this mindset before I fall any deeper into it, cause that could be a very bad thing....

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