Where am I going & why am I in this basket???|
[Most Recent Entries]
Monday, August 13th, 2001
|Over before it began.....
I think God or the goddesses or the "powers that be" want me to remain single. It's probably better for me---career-wise---to be single.
Last night was a night of disappointments. Many of them.
First of all, I had had about 3 hours of sleep again the night before, & I ALWAYS get overly emotional & overly sensitive when I am exhausted. So I was already on the edge. I was a tad "snip," not really with Jeff, but just in general...not very talkative, either. Just kinda quiet, deep in thought, & extremely, extremely tired.
We had planned to cook dinner together. I had cooked dinner in a looong time, so I was kinda looking forward to it. I took some time to gather cooking utensils, etc., that I would need.
When I got to Jeff's---which was admittedly later than anticipated cause I hit a huge accident on the way home, & discovered that Penny was trying to dig out of the yard---he said that he was really too hot & tired from mowing the lawn to cook a chicken. So he asked if we could postpone cooking dinner til a different night, when we could start earlier. He suggested we walk the dogs to Carl's Jr. I said that, honestly, I wasn't that hungry (when I am depressed, I don't have much of an appetite....I have gone from 127 to 123 in days...without trying), so something like a milkshake would be perfect. So he suggests a local ice cream store, & we set off with the dogs. While we are sitting in front of the store trying to decide what to get, Toby & Penny get in a huge fight. Toby doesn't like Penny getting attention. So he started growling viciously & biting her face (she is twice his size). I jerked them apart, but he went for her, again. She started snapping back, in defense, & people around us were getting understandably upset. We finally pull them apart. It was so upsetting to me. It hurt me to see them fight over attention from me like that. It hurts me. And on top of the hurt, I was really embarrassed, because people around us were scared & startled. I apologized to the people at the table next to us, trying to joke that, "Really, they ARE friends." I was so upset, I was seriously on the verge of tears. Jeff hooked Toby to the railing, & I sat back down with Penny. I was visibly upset, & told Jeff I really didn't need anything.
He asked me why I was still so upset, because things cooled off when we separated them. I tried to explain that it just pained me....and that I was really embarrassed, & thought it was a tad-bit cruel to leave Toby chained up alone, while I help Penny. Eventually, Jeff went in & got us sundaes, & many people walked by & gave Toby (& Penny) plenty of attention. One man even let Toby lick off his ice-cream cone! So we ate our ice-cream (bless his heart, Jeff got me a sundae with nuts, & I HATE nuts on a sundae!), & then headed back to Jeff's. Penny & Toby seemed to be friends again, running next to each other just fine. When I was driving to Jeff's earlier, they were cuddled together in the back seat....so go figure.
The walk there contained revelations I didn't care to hear, & that literally stunned me. He stopped at one point to blow his nose, & had been stopped up that morning, too. So I asked him if he was catching a cold. He said, "Ever since I did a line of coke with Max, my nose hasn't stopped running." WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!? EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?!? I always thought & was led to believe that he felt the same way about drugs as I did. I thought he was anti-drug like me. That is what he led me to believe. I am sorry, but I honestly think doing drugs---ESPECIALLY hard-core ones---is STUPID. I can't think of anything more dumb. Dumb to do to your body, dumb to do to your mind. Whatever. I am always surprised that anyone would even respond to my ad on the internet who does drugs.....because I make it VERY clear that I won't date a guy who does drugs.....even pot. So that threw me for a total loop. I try to take all judgement out of my voice, & try to refrain from saying, "What, are you a TOTAL IDIOT," & instead say, "You did a line of cocaine?" He admitted he gave into "peer pressure" because he was alone with Max, & he is actually kinda "supplying" Max with the coke. He goes to get an "8 ball" for him, & Max gives him about a $100 extra. He said that he didn't care for the way it made him feel, didn't care for the way it made him act, & didn't like how it was affecting his nose even days-weeks after the fact, so he didn't "plan" to ever do it again. When someone tells me they don't "plan" something, that means that they don't plan it....but it could happen. I would have felt better if he ad said, "I will NEVER do that again, it was stupid." So I am trying hard to process this info....when he starts telling me how he smoked weed "occasionally" with his ex-wife, & most recently, with the girl he last dated, & they did it basically every day. That is just STUPID. Absolutely ridiculous. He admits it made him pretty unproductive. But he certainly didn't seem to act like he would never do it again. <> This is my nightmare. Falling for a guy & THEN finding this kind of shit out. I will NEVER be with a man---romantically---that does drugs....any kind. I will not overlook my morals or ideals for ANYONE. Not one single man on this Earth is worth that. So learning this info when I was starting to really care about this guy just slammed my heart into reverse. I could never love anyone stupid enough (or liberal enough, or weak enough....whatever) to do drugs...particularly the hardcore ones. So I am seriously reconsidering anything with him.....while also being aware of the fact that I have no clue where HE stands, anyway. We had slept together, snuggling, twice....and he hadn't made a move.
Then we get back to Jeff's. I will admit, I was fairly intrigued with the possibility of watching some of the porn I brought over. Understand, there was a reason behind it. We were talking about porn one night, & we are both fairly familiar with some of the porn stars, & I mentioned liking & having some videos by Nina Hartley, & that I think she's a scream. He said he had met her, & she WAS really cool. So I brought over my Nina Hartley videos. Not NECESSARILY to watch them, but hoping maybe they'd spur him to make a move. We were sitting in the living room waiting for the jacuzzi to heat up, & he launches into some life story stuff.
He tells me that he & his ex-wife went to counseling, & the counselor suggested that Jeff might suffer from ADD. So Jeff goes to a psychiatrist who diagnoses him as a "textbook" ADD case, & prescribes some medicine for him. But Jeff is a Christian Scientist, & they don't really believe in medicating (yeah, go figure about the illegal drugs, then....makes a LOT of sense). So he had issues with taking that medication...he went on & off it frequently, & that's not exactly healthy. He was also diagnosed with having a sex addiction. Not so much to SEX itself, but to porn. Fantasy starting becoming reality, & he got obsessed with it, I guess. Made me immediately feel guilty about bringing over the porn, so I walked over, picked them up, stuffed them in my bag, & apologized for bringing them over. He said, "No, PLEASE don't feel bad, you had no way of knowing."
But I still felt bad. He then went on to say that he isn't in a place in his life right now to have a relationship....he just has nothing to give right now. I firmly believe that if you truly want something, there is always a way to make it happen. When someone says to me that they don't have time for a relationship, I think if you truly wanted it, you'd MAKE time. So he was basically telling me that he didn't want to have a relationship with me. I don't know if he just really isn't attracted to me, or what. This brought up all kinds of other confusions. If he wasn't attracted to me & only wanted to be "platonic" friends, why would he spoon me at night in bed? He easily could have offered me his couch, or just slept on the opposite side of the bed. But he didn't, he snuggled up to me. That seems odd from a guy who doesn't want you to get the wrong idea. But if he WAS attracted to me, and he supposedly has a sex addiction....how in the world could he spoon me, essentially have his penis pressed against my butt (very much a turn-on for most men), & NOT make a move? Not get turned on (it didn't feel like he was, if you get my meaning)? Not want to fool around? That doesn't add up to me. I am actually not that into sex. If I NEVER had sex again, I truly wouldn't miss it. I really wouldn't even miss orgasms. So it's not that I wanted to "fuck" him, but some intimacy would have been nice....kissing, necking, etc. At least I guess that explained why he "hadn't" made a move, & that's actually what he said, too...."I wanted you to understand why I have been a bit....'off'."
Great....a guy I had started to fall for has a sex addiction, ADD, foolishly tried cocaine (& who's to say he won't give into "peer pressure" again?), smokes weed (which I am adamantly, passionately against), & later admits he occasionally smokes cigars. What part of my ad that says, "I won't date a man who does drugs (even pot), uses tobacco (if you even have a cigar every once in a while, don't waste my time)...." was unclear? <> Ironically, I haven't seen anything remotely "ADDish" about him....and since he had MANY opportunities to make a sexual move on me, & didn't remotely try to, I don't see the sex addict part, either.
We got in the jacuzzi for a while...he lit candles & we listened to Enigma. Then we went inside to go to bed. As we laid there, I told him that even though he didn't technically "owe" me an explanation, I was glad he offered one, since I was getting confused.....there was no pressure from me, that I was his friend no matter what." He said that was great, & it was really nice to have a friend who understands some of the stuff he is going through (career frustration, money worries, etc.). He might have said more, but I fell asleep during a lull in the conversation. I slept like a log....but did take note that this was the first time we had slept together (only 3 times total, though) that he DIDN'T snuggle up behind me. I question that the next morning, & he said he hadn't because he was VERY hot (it was extremely hot in the jacuzzi), so hot he didn't even sleep under the covers. He then spooned up behind me. We laid there for a bit, & then I had to leave.
I mentioned that I was off on Tuesday, & he excitedly said, "Well, maybe we can do the dinner then, so we can get an earlier start!" I said that would probably be okay, & for him to call me about it if he wanted to do it. He walked me & the dogs to my car (the dogs LOVE him.....last night, Toby followed me into the kitchen, & when I said, "Toby, go get in bed with Jeff," Toby immediately turned around & went into the bedroom & jumped into bed with Jeff!). I was ready to get into my car, & he gave me a hug.
I checked my email before leaving for work, as I always do, & I had gotten an e-greeting from him. It was saying that friends are "angels"....and he wrote something like, "You are an amazing woman. Thank you for being a friend to me." Something along those lines, which could be taken either way.....genuine gratitude for being there for him & letting him vent & being supportive.....or pressing the issue that he JUST wants to be friends...or heck, a combo of both.
I don't know how to react at this point. I am still attracted to him. I would still love to kiss him. I LOVE it when he spoons me. I love to put my arms around him, it just feels so comfortable. And he is certainly still receptive to that type of interaction. But I don't think it's healthy for me. I feel like I can't resist....but on the other hand, I feel like I shouldn't stay over anymore....at least certainly not in his bed. I feel I shouldn't hug him anymore (unless of course he grabs me....I wouldn't shove him away). But it's going to be hard to resist....cause while I don't miss having a boyfriend (& the kind of drama that goes with one), I DO miss intimacy...again, not SEX, but intimacy. And it's just so comfortable with him.
So I don't know what to do, nor what to feel. I don't know what would be best. I don't think I am going to be instigating hanging out...if he wants to hang out, & I am free....fine. But I won't be calling him & asking. I don't think I should instigate hugs. And I don't think I should stay over....at least not in his bed, at least not for a little while, until I can get past these feelings that are obviously not reciprocated.
But the bottom line is....I just don't know what to do, think, or feel. And I HATE this.