October 4th, 2001

real Alice

Just thoughts

I am soooo sleepy, but I need to stay awake to watch "ER!" :-) So I thought I'd pass the time by writing in my journal, which I have neglected lately.

So just some random thoughts.

I try not to be a jealous person. I try not to envy. But my friend Michael....**sigh**. I have struggled to make it for 12 years. With not much to show for it. Michael JUST got into acting. He went to audition for a show, not even having a headshot & resume, & got cast as the lead. He sends out some headshots & resumes (he has them now, on my advice), & gets a call immediately to audition for a non-union film. He goes to audition, his first film audition ever....and gets the lead. Wow. Admittedly, it is MUCH easier to be a man in this business, less competition & all. And also, he is a handsome guy. But it just seems a little unfair to me. He's never struggled. He doesn't know what it's like to be rejected. It's being handed to him on a platter. I wish him well, & don't begrudge him whatever success he deserves....it just frustrates me a bit.

I felt like a dufus today. I went to work on "Friends," because Courteney Cox's assistant got me on. I took my camera, because I hoped to get a picture with her for my grandmother, who arranged this whole thing. Well, while being very polite about it, security confiscated it. When I explained that Courteney got me on the show & I simply hoped to get a pic with her, I guess the security guard talked to the head security guy, & then he talked to the 2nd AD, & they gave the camera back to me, but said it wouldn't be possible today. Courteney was not even on the set today (today was just some rehearsals, scenes she wasn't in). I felt like a dufus, though. I felt like I caused all this trouble by bringing my camera in. I suppose, to them, it really wasn't a big deal, but I still felt stupid. I am not taking it back tomorrow, cause I know they have Polaroids around. If Courteney consents to a pic, they can take one with a Polaroid. I just wanted one for my grandmother, I couldn't care less, personally. But this meant a lot to my grandmother.

I ended up meeting this other extra named Gerald. I was mentioning having worked on "Princess Diaries," & he said he knew a girl who was a principle on that movie, & I asked what her name was. I almost died when he said Kim Leigh Smith, because she is a good friend of mine. He almost died. It's a small, small world...especially in my business.

So on "Friends" tomorrow, I am in Central Perk. I am standing with Gerald (who's easy to spot, because he's Black & has dreads) at the counter, & when Ross says, "Does Joey know you're moving," we cross out & exit the front door. Exciting stuff! ;- It's truly kinda amazing when you think about it. Today, I got paid $105 (before taxes, of course) to "work" for 2 hours. I wouldn't even call it work. Carlos places us where we would be in the scene, wardrobe checked us out, & I ate free food at the craft services table......and got paid $105 for it. Tomorrow, I get paid the same rate for more "work," but I just don't really find extra work to be too difficult. Our call-time is 9:45AM, & I heard that they start shooting around 3PM, & that we are usually out by dark, & since we are only in one or two scenes, we might get let go early. It sure is nice work if you can get it. I'd like to get it more.
I am going to try to get work on a consistant basis on "Friends"....but they already seem to have a stable of extras they use all the time, so I don't know. Sure would be a nice gig, though....

I had to put my rat, Louise, to sleep yesterday. It was a very sad experience. I was wondering why I was seemingly okay, I didn't appear emotional. And then I was sitting in the vet's lobby.....stroking her little head...and she shut her eyes & just sat there. So I started to cry. When Dr. Chan came in, she didn't want to put Louise to sleep (she has 8 rats), she wanted to try to operate to remove the tumor. I told her I would do it in a heartbeat if I had the money. But I didn't. So she asked if I would be willing to sign her over to her. If I did so, she would be responsible for her, & could operate at her expense. I told her I would, if it meant Louise would live. Dr. Chan was feeling around to see if she could separate the tumor from Louise's arm, & Louise just sat there, squeaking in pain occasionally. But she didn't try to bite her or anything. She made eye contact with me, & I just felt horrible. Louise was still breathing fine & eating fine. But the tumor had grown so large, she simply couldn't get around anymore, but was still trying, so every move was a struggle. The tumor was so large, she couldn't reach her hands to the ground. Moving around was more like rolling around. It was painful to watch. So I just decided it was time. Truthfully, rats don't usually even live past 2 years. The top age is 3, & Thelma & Louise are already past 2. Thelma doesn't quite know what to do. She has no energy, & just kinda sits around the cage. She & Louise were sisters, & they have never spent a day apart in over 2 years. I doubt Thelma will live much longer. They were so attached, I imagine she will die soon of a broken heart. She was the less social of the two, so I doubt she'd want me to start playing with her more.

All this made me really scared about the day my cat, Duncan, dies. I wasn't nearly as attached to Louise. Duncan is like my child, & I have had him since about '92 or so. My mom used to say she didn't want to even be around when Duncan died. And she won't be, ironically. But that will be a nasty, nasty day. I felt so sad when I left Louise behind, & walked out with an empty cage. My neighbor, Nick, said he was holding his dog when he put her to sleep (after having her over 15 years)....he held her as she was put to sleep. I seriously don't think I could do that. I don't even think I could be there at all, I think I'd have to have a friend take him. Or Toby or Ernie. I just couldn't handle it. Not to mention the fact that the whole vet's office wouldn't want to hear my painful wailing. And I just couldn't bear Duncan looking at me, not understanding what was happening....I am getting emotional just thinking about it. Thankfully, I have many more years with Duncan (hopefully!!!).

I had to borrow money to pay my rent. How pathetic is that? It's disgusting. I have no idea how I will pay next month's rent. **sigh** I am trying to find an appropriate job....but I haven't had any luck thus far. It's very frustrating. Times are tough for everyone.

All I can say is....as hard as my life is (to me), as least I am not an Afghan woman!