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Where am I going & why am I in this basket???
 
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Monday, November 5th, 2001

Time Event
2:07a
I should be asleep right now.....
...instead I am steaming!!!

I finally downloaded Yahoo Messenger tonight. A couple of my friends only have this form of chat, so I decided to do it.

Apparently, big mistake. I HATE, HATE, HATE---did I mention I HATE?---HATE when complete strangers randomly instant message me. I hate it on AOL, I hate it anywhere. I finally blocked all my AOL screen names from instant messages for this reason. I cannot EVER imagine being SUCH a LOSER or such a lonely person or so bored or so anything that I would have to instant message someone I don't know. It galls me to think that people are going through profiles, finding people they are interested in & saying stupid shit like, "Bob, s/m/29, wanna chat?" or "Hi, I'm Bob, wanna chat?" or "Hi, where are you from?" or "Hi, I'm Bob, do you like to fuck?" or ANYTHING! If I don't know you, DON'T bother me! When I am online, generally, I am writing emails or writing in my journal....I enjoy chatting with certain friends from time to time, but I do NOT go online JUST to sit around & chat. It drives me NUTS when someone is IMing me, & when/if I don't IM right back instantly, they say, "Are you too busy to chat?" or something like that, as if I couldn't possibly have anything better to do online than just chat. Do people really go online JUST to chat with people? I mean, really? I NEVER have done that. I will chat WHILE I am doing other things, but I never just sit online & chat. How lame! Get a life! Go out & chat with a real person! When people get all haughty with me when I tell them I am busy, that pisses me off! It happened earlier today...I was chatting with this guy, & writing in my journal at the same time. Maybe 5 minutes went by in which I didn't say anything to him. So he writes, "?????" And I said, "???? what?" And he says, "Well, you aren't saying anything." ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am not just sitting here to chat with you. I am not saying anything cause I am doing something constructive & I have nothing to say to you! If I have something to say, I'll say it! Now, you could say, if you don't feel like chatting, then don't log on chat. Well, I cannot even count how many times I was IMed by strangers while logged into AOL, which has that automatic chat function (until I figured out how to block it). I would just be online to write or email & FREAKS would just randomly email me & start asking me person questions like "Do you have a boyfriend?" & other such "NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS" questions! This would even happen when I was logged into screen names where I didn't even have a picture attached to my profile! More than not being able to imagine IMing a stranger to "hook up," I certainly wouldn't IM someone to hook up if I had no friggin' clue what they looked like! And then they would have the audacity to ask me to send them a picture! ARRRRGGGGHHHH! Gimme a friggin' break! The internet is a GREAT thing, I spend lots of time on it doing constructive things....but you need to not spend your life on it, & you need to not use it in LIEU of real life encounters. I frankly don't even understand going into chat rooms. I kinda found in interesting the first 2 months or so that I had the internet....and then when I realized all people talk about is sex & wanting to "chat privately" (& we ALL know what that means), the effect quickly wore off. Go out & join a club in real life if you need to make new friends. I am not saying that internet friends are not great, cause they most definitely are. But they shouldn't be your ONLY friends, & going into a chat room just to make friends seems a bit odd to me. It just seems a bit nervy to me to disturb a complete stranger online & start asking them personal questions. Heck, at LEAST email them first, describe yourself, maybe include a pic, & say something like, "Would you be interested in chatting online sometime?" But for Heavens sake.....have some CLASS & do not bother people you do not know. Yes, I realize not everyone is as "unfriendly" as me (which is hysterical, cause I am one of the most friendly people I know in real life), but just have a little class & allow people some online privacy.

So this guy randomly IMs me on Yahoo tonight. He starts chatting with me AS IF HE KNOWS ME!!!!!! I asked him "Who are you?" And he responds, "Mr Right!" The NERVE!!!!!!!! ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! So, I waited....and waited....while he sent a million smiley faces. And repeated my question. "Who are you?" He said I had met him in "that club." "What club"? I asked, since while I am a member of a couple of GROUPS, I am not a member of any clubs. He said, "Hot or Not". I told him I had no clue, still, of who he was & how he knew me. He finally sent me a link to his picture...and sure enough, I remembered him....as a guy who I distinctly said "no" to wanting to meet....several times. We were NOT a match. And I was clueless as to how he got my Yahoo Messenger name. So I go into "privacy options" on Yahoo Messenger, & click that I don't want ANYONE but people on my friends list to be able to IM me. It didn't work. He still got through. So then, after I have already been what *I* would assume was rude, he says, "Are you married?" ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I said "no." He said, "Divorced? Boyfriend?" I said, "No/dating." And his response was something like "bummer....I will let you go then....but if you ever break up, you know where I am." I resisted the desire to say something like, "I'll be sure to look you up," & just said, "Thanks, good luck to you." And then he proceeded to IM me saying stupid shit & with stupid smiley face icons about 10 more times....and he was gone. AMEN! I tell you....I am FAR too nice.

Seriously....are these people total losers or what? No need to answer, cause I already have MY opinion of that. Do NOT IM me if you don't know me. Would you go up to someone sitting on a bus bench & say, "Hi, I am single, white, 29 years old....are you married? Do you like to fuck?" NO!!!!! OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T!!!!!!! At least, I sure hope not! So what is it about the internet that makes people behave in ways they wouldn't in real life? The internet is not a bar. Chat programs are not bars. They are not "singles meetings." They are not meat markets. People actually get stuff done & use the internet constructively, & occasionally chat with people they know. Occasionally, through internet groups you are on, you make new friends. But don't use the internet as your personal dating/making new friends service! Sheesh!!!!!!

Current Mood: aggravated
9:30p
A lot about a little
I don't think I have much to say tonight.

I am still bugged by people who think I have nothing better to do than chat online. That guy from Chicago, who I actually really DO like, came online tonight JUST to chat with me. Flattering, I guess. But still. That irks me just a bit. If you want to go online JUST to chat with people, more power to ya. But he (& others) expects ME to drop everything I am doing just to chat with him. If I am in the middle of a journal entry, if I am in the middle of a long, important email, whatever....people expect me to stop whatever I am doing & chat with them. That drives me nuts. *I* generally have better things to do. I had my chat function set to "busy"....and he IMed me anyway. **sigh** Does he think that means busy to everyone BUT him? One way to chase me away is to bug me....

shebear has been just great about teaching me some HTML commands. I am so pc illiterate. And she's damn smart. I still have a lot to learn from her. For one thing, I really want to know how to post pictures to my lj posts. Gee, when I grow up, I wanna be just like shebear.

I am watching "Boston Public" right now. It's a really great show. "Ally McBeal" is on next, & it's great, too. Tomorrow is the night I am gonna explode, because there are 5 great shows on at one time, & I only have 3 VCRs (I am going out tomorrow)! That means I will have to miss 2 of them....I think I will die!!!!!! ;-�

I am going over to my friend Enrique's tomorrow night. He is lending me $500 to pay my rent. I am SO grateful, but SO SICK of borrowing money. I am so pathetic, & just disgusted with myself. I have still been unable to find a job. Anyway....Quique is a very religious guy. He works at his church. He & his mother are also very psychic. Quique predicted that the end of this year would be extremely tough on me. We were talking about my problems, & he said, "Trust God to help you, God will find a way." I said, "Is God going to send me $500 to pay my rent?" And he said, "Maybe...." & then offered to give me the $500...to be paid back whenever I can afford to. I guess God did come through. But I am a little scared of the debt I am building up. But I gotta do what I gotta do.

I sent off a bunch of letters today. One to my old high school girlfriend, Dia. She called not too long ago & left a message, & I am too pathetically broke to call her back. So I finally wrote her a letter & asked her to email me, since I don't know her email addy. I also wrote this guy I saw in junior high, Frank. He cheated on his girlfriend with me when we were in 8th grade. We didn't have sex, I wasn't doing that back then. But it was funny (or sad), cause his girlfriend was little Ms. Popular, cheerleader, everything....she walked past me in the halls all snotty. And her boyfriend was fooling around with me behind her back. I think it eventually was discovered, & she didn't look at me like she was better than me in the halls anymore. Ironically, I was in love with his brother, Scott, who was in my grade. I had been in love with Scott since 1st grade. Our parents were friends, & they lived on the street behind us. Scott was alternatively sweet & cruel to me, cause he was popular, too. So in other words, he was nice to me & even seemed to genuinely like me when we were alone outside of school (he snuck over to my house a lot---we just talked---and we spent hours at a time on the phone)....but mean as Hell at school around all the other popular kids. Go figure. I email Scott occasionally----and was invited to his wedding last year----and he sent me Frank's address. I decided to write to him just to see if he'd respond. He lives in Colorado, & I haven't seen him since 9th grade or so.

Another letter I wrote was to an old doctor of mine. That is certainly an interesting story. When I was in the Lion King parade at Disneyland, hanging from those harnesses as a monkey caused me to have double femoral hernias. Disneyland sent me to Doctor Jeffrey Johnsrud for surgery. I went for my first visit looking like a complete slob...I mean, hey, I was just going to see a surgeon. I walk in, & he's this very young looking, HOT guy! I think he was about 42, but they didn't call him "Baby Face Johnsrud" for a reason. He looked a lot younger, & besides, I have always been attracted to older men. Through the course of 2 separate operations, we really hit it off. It flustered me to think that he saw me butt naked on the operating table. I don't remember how it happened, but somehow I either got his phone number, or he called me. I forget. Anyway, we would talk on the phone occasionally, & just make each other laugh. It finally came down to getting together (our doctor/patient relationship was over by this point), & he chickened out. He admitted that he was very attracted to me, & that he enjoyed talking to me, but his past experiences with younger women had been disastrous. Despite my pleadings to give THIS younger woman a chance, he refused to budge on the subject. Since I changed over address books, I lost the pad that had his number on it. So I wrote to him at his office, to see if he would remember me, & to see if he would call me. He might be married by now, probably is....but I would just love to meet with him & catch up. HOT, HOT, HOT.

I am excited about this weekend. I haven't really had anyone come see me in my show yet. A guy I know named Ruston came to see me & Steve, but it wasn't on my invite. So it looks like my friends Kenn & Paul might be coming Friday night, my friends Daniel & Marcus are coming Saturday night, & HOPEFULLY my friends Erin & Shawn & Shawn's parents (Shawn is my ex-boyfriend) will be able to come Saturday night, & supposedly, my ex-boyfriend Robert & his cool sister Becki are going to come on Sunday. It looks like Paul will probably make it for sure, I know Kenn will move walls to make it, but Daniel & Marcus are kinda flaky. Well, not Marcus really, but Daniel. He's a great friend, but he backs out of a lot of things. He knows half the cast, so I hope he comes. I really, really wanted Shawn & Erin & Shawn's parents to come, but I doubt they will make it. Robert is definitely going to try hard to make it, but he's pretty busy, with like 3 jobs & college (yes, he's a youngun). I would assume that Alicia would try to make a performance, but I haven't heard anything about that. I think I will call her & see. Since I get so little support from my family, & they are too far away to come see me in shows, it really means a lot to me to have friends come. It's just so hard to get anyone in California to commit to anything.

I also wrote Courteney Cox-Arquette's mother a short letter. I just wanted to thank her for helping me to meet Courteney. She didn't have to do it, & I just wanted to thank her.

I also sent a letter to that agent that turned me down, to see if he would come see my show. Only one more weekend, so I doubt he can fit it in, but it would be very cool if he could. It doesn't look like Garry Marshall is going to make it either. His birthday is this weekend, & he's just so busy.

I actually talked to Robert, my ex, yesterday, on the phone. It was a weird thing. It brought back a lot of good memories. I actually think we had more bad times than good, but I still cared a lot for him. And we never had a problem in the bedroom area. He was a damn good kisser, & knew how to please a woman. Our bodies just seemed to fit well, too. I don't know what to expect upon seeing him again. It's probably been just short of 2 years since we have seen each other. I would imagine he's gone through a lot, since I know I have. Perhaps he's matured a bit, & calmed down a bit. I always thought he had such a sexy voice, & again....those lips. Yum.

Well, I guess that's about all I have to say for now. I guess it was a lot for someone who didn't have much to say. :-)

Current Mood: contemplative
10:08p
**fanning myself**
OK....I just had to log back in just to say that James Marsden, from "Ally McBeal," is SOOOOOOOOOOOO
friggin' HOT! Ohmigosh! He's got what I consider to be the perfect face....chisled cheeks & chin, dark full head of hair, & gorgeous blue eyes. **sigh**

That's all I had to say.

Current Mood: hot & bothered

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