November 12th, 2001

real Alice

(no subject)

Well, I have an awful lot to vent about, & little energy to get it all out here right now....it will probably have to be continued tomorrow.

I'm seriously irritated with my friend, Daniel. I remember another friend telling me that ruling out people as friends because they are flaky is a mistake, because they probably have other good qualities. I disagree. I haven't seen Daniel in probably 2 years. We used to see each other more often, but we don't live as close as we used to. So I asked him to come see my show. He knows half the friggin' cast, cause a bunch of us were in "Into the Woods" together. Everyone was excited to see him, especially me. He called & made reservations. So Saturday comes along. I emailed Daniel & his roommate, Marcus (who was coming with him), to remind them about the show, & clicked that I wanted a "receipt." Well, according to the receipts, Marcus got the email at around 11AM & Daniel got it shortly before 5PM. 8PM showtime comes around....no Daniel. The producer was a bit annoyed with me, because we were sold out, & she held the seats for Daniel (instead of selling them to people who were on the waiting list), because they were friends of mine, & I thought he might be stuck in traffic from OC. So those seats remained empty. So I log on this morning, & there's an email from Marcus from around 11PM last night....apologizing for missing the show, that Daniel had the flu & didn't feel like seeing the show. Well, gee, let's see. Don't tell me that at 11AM that morning, Daniel didn't already know that he felt bad. You don't usually just HAPPEN to feel ill around showtime. If he'd had the flu all week, he could easily have emailed me during the week to say, "Hey, I am hoping to feel better by Sat., but I have the flu & MIGHT not make your show...just to warn you." But I heard not one peep. And Daniel was too sick to come see the show, but not to ill to check his email at 5PM. And Marcus had to email me FOR him? He couldn't email me himself? He WAS online. Neither one of them had the ability to pick up a phone & call the theatre to cancel their reservations? Hell, Marcus wasn't sick. I know they had the theatre number, cause they called to make reservations. I can't imagine making reservations for something---even a restaurant---and then never showing up. I was raised to be way more considerate than that. I suppose I am shocked that more people were apparently not raised the same way. 30 seconds to make a fucking phone call....how difficult is that? One or the other of them should have called the SECOND they read my email, cause I guarantee they knew then & there they weren't coming. At the VERY least, they could have called & left a message that said, "This is Daniel ******, I have reservations for 2, & at this point, I am not sure if I will be up to making it, since I have the flu. If we are not there by 7:30-7:45, please sell our seats. Thank you." Shit....how HARD is it to be thoughtful & considerate, people? I am talking COMMON COURTESY, not anything difficult here. So I emailed Marcus back, & politely & calmly chewed them out for flaking. I said I didn't care so much from my perspective, although I WAS disappointed, but that they shouldn't have let the theatre down like that. I told them it was rude & inconsiderate. So Daniel IMs me tonight (I don't think they had gotten my email yet), apologizes again, says how sick he was. I said, "Sorry to hear you weren't feeling well, but I just think you should have called the theatre to cancel your reservations." He said he had hoped he would feel well enough to go (they would have had to have left by 6:30 or so, so he could have still called then), but didn't, & he knew they would just sell his seats. I pointed out that they didn't, cause it was him, & they knew him, & he was my friend (if it had been a random stranger, they would have sold the seats). He wasn't taking it very seriously. No surprise there. I just can't take flakiness. It makes me want to never invite him anywhere ever again, because he's done this to me way too much. It's certainly not the first time. They are supposedly coming to my b'day party...but how can I rely on them? They are not dependable...and frankly, if you are not dependable, what purpose do you serve? Are you still a good friend if you friends can't count on you? If you let your friends down time after time....do you have worth? Frankly, I feel that your word is your honor....and without your honor, you have NOTHING. Shit happens, things come up.....if for some reason you can't stick to set plans, then PICK UP A FUCKING PHONE....and have a damn good excuse!!!!!! (For instance....Daniel backing out last minute for a party I threw cause it starting raining---ummm...hi....lightly sprinkling--- is NOT a good excuse.)

I have some weird kind of crampy feeling in my stomach area. When I press on the left side of my stomach, it hurts. Feels kinda like menstrual cramps, only I really don't get those. I have been having problems with my stomach lately. I don't think I ate that badly today. OK...I didn't eat much at all. But that's the thing....I have next to no appettite, which is unusual for me. Someone said to me yesterday, "Well, hello Ms. Skinny." In reality, I might have lost 2 1/2 pounds, but even one pound tends to show on my body. The stomachaches I have been getting make eating really not worth it. And I had some tests done & nothing seemed to show up. This is a weird pain. Tomorrow, I have to be subjected to my annual pap smear. I wouldn't go at all (that's untrue, I wouldn't be that irresponsible) if I didn't need pills. It's never really THAT bad of an experience, but I hate it nonetheless. It's just really uncomfortable. I am modest, & it seems really odd to me to have a complete stranger looking at & feeling around my coochie. I don't like it at all. And I will only see a woman for it, that's for sure. At least it's over in usually 5 minutes or less....and the practioner last year was really cool & comforting. God bless Planned Parenthood...and those who picket it should be ashamed of themselves.

I find it interesting when people post in livejournal & then get upset with what people say in responses. So what if you didn't get the responses you wanted? If you can't take the heat, you'd best be gettin' out of the kitchen. Having a live journal opens yourself up to all kinds of things. People disagreeing with you, people hating you, people getting incensed with your thoughts, feelings, & opinions...people taking things the wrong way. It happens. If you say something racist, you can bet you will get a heated response or two! Many people are reading what you write, & unless you disable it, you give them the ability to respond to what you write. I kinda don't see the point of keeping a live journal if you disable comments....then why not just keep your private thoughts private? You can always write in your private off-line journal, or in your Word program, etc. I am not saying I am "pleased" with everything people say in their responses to me....far from it. But to act like, "How DARE that person say that in response to my entry?" or "How dare that person react that way to my entry?".....well, that's just silly. That's what this site is about....yes, it's to vent, to "jot" your feelings down, etc...but you also open yourself up to opinions you may not want...otherwise, why post on a live journal at all? And if someone doesn't know a backstory or doesn't understand how you mean something, ripping them a new one cause they weren't psychic & didn't "get it" is probably not a good approach, either. Maybe either explaining the backstory on how you came to your opinion, OR saying something like, "You don't know the whole story, please don't make assumptions on something you know nothing about" would be better. Even though that sounds snippy, it's better than insinuating that people are fools or idiots for not getting it, when there was really no way they WOULD have gotten it. It's like this: I go off on an entry about how I HATE beer....beer should be banned...beer is evil...I dislike men who drink beer, & women who drink beer just have something to prove, & the smell of beer makes me nauseous. Someone responds saying, "That is really lame. What is your problem with beer? Are you a total lame-o? A prude? You're a fucking idiot. It's JUST a drink. Beer is not evil, people are evil." And the backstory is that I was date-raped by a guy drunk on beer, & I remember the smell of it on his breath, as I was powerless to stop things. Although I could certainly chew that person out for responding with the harshness he/she did, I really have no "right" to get pissed off at their obvious & UNDERSTANDABLE confusion, since they had no clue why I felt the way I did. I hadn't previously offered any backstory, or heck, maybe that person just signed up & hadn't read ANY backstory. Does this mean you have to give backstory EVERY time you mention a certain subject for those reading along? Of course not! But don't get mad at those who are confused or unknowledgeable about your life and/or story. Give people a CHANCE to understand your random thoughts, or why you feel the way you do about something....give people a chance to understand, & usually, they probably will.

Just some random thoughts from a very tired mind....

Now the pain in my stomach has radiated down my left leg & into my left foot. It feels like a "growing pain" in my foot. That's odd.

I gotta get a job this week. Problem is, we are about to go into rehearsals at Knott's, so the second I get a job, I will have to be free to work at Knott's. Which is a problem in itself, from many perspectives.

For one thing....I really wanted to go to the fragrance festival at Nordstrom's next Sunday. Anyone who knows me well knows how important perfume is to me. It makes me happy. I love it. I wouldn't have money to BUY any, but I just like to be around it, to see what's new, to smell new ones, & as lame as it might sound, the fragrance festivals are actually really fun. They have live music, people hand paint or engrave your bottles for free, they have yummy snacks, punch, & it's just a really fun atmosphere. I took my totally macho ex one year, & he hated to admit it, but he had a great time. They have these festivals about every 4 months or so. All the vendors for all the lines (Calvin Klein, Donna Karan, etc.) come out, & they all offer gifts with purchase...a free miniature, a free scented candle, a silk scarf, a purse, a make-up bag, etc. They are great for gifts. So I was really looking forward to this festival. And then my supervisor hands me a schedule for rehearsals...and that day we have rehearsal from 1-9:30PM. The festival is from 7:30-10:30PM. **sigh** I guess I won't be going.

Then there's this. I went through all the trouble to tell Courteney's assistant that I was now fully available to work on "Friends," since my show was over today. She said she would pass it along to the guy in charge of the extras. And they shoot on Thur/Fri. I got my work schedule & we have rehearsal Friday night! "Friends" shoots 3 weeks on, 1 week off. I guess I can hope against hope that either they have THIS coming up week off, so they wouldn't need me Friday, or that they aren't shooting any Central Perk scenes or any scenes needing extras, or that they just wouldn't call me to work yet. Cause they next week, we have Thur/Fri off at Knott's, so that would be perfect. I can't turn it down again or they will stop offering. Worse comes to worse....I will accept the work on "Friends," & either tell my supervisor that I will be coming to rehearsal late (& explain why & how important this is to me & vow to catch up on whatever I miss), or call in...but I really can't afford to do that. I prefer the honesty route anyway. Surely if I explained how badly I needed this gig---since the Xmas work at Knott's only lasts through Xmas & this "Friends" gig could be all year, or season, rather)---they would be understanding. Hello? Knott's Berry Farm or working on "Friends?" My supervisor is an actor, himself, so I would surely think he'd understand. The rehearsal is for tree-lighting, anyway. I have performed the show before, so it would be more of a refresher rehearsal, anyway...and Erin already offered to work with me to catch up on whatever I miss.

The other thing is this....I just don't know how much more of Knott's I can handle...I am not goo with customer service. OK, that's untrue...my sunny personality is actually great with it....I just don't enjoy it. Working in a large theme park, you really get the Idiot Kings. Guests that just say or do they dumbest or rudest things. It's really a side of society I don't care to see. I get so frustrated with the behavior of guests sometimes, that I am always thisclose to saying, "Screw this bullshit" & quitting. I love entertaining people, but I sure don't like dealing with them AFTER the shows.

Speaking of dealing with people after shows....**Sigh** There's a guy in my show named Harrison. Nice man, but a bit spacey. Well, somehow, it seems he had two mentally retarded sons (from here on referred to as "special). I can't imagine how lightning could strike in the same place twice...and I can't imagine anyone foolish enough to keep having children (as opposed to adopting) after the first "special" child is born. Whatever. Anyway, apparently, both of Harrison's "special" sons fell in love with me the first time they saw the show. These boys are 26 & 27. So they came back today, with a friend from their "group home," & I kid you not, they were "stalking" me after the show. We all had "strike" responsibilites, so Harrison was running around doing whatever. Meanwhile, his sons were following me around. First, we were greeting the audience. I was looking around for my ex, not realizing he had already left (that's a story to follow). One son came up to me & rather incoherently babbled about how much he liked my part, & how great I was. Sure, flattering, definitely. I listened politely & patiently for a good 5 minutes. I then said, "Well, thank you so much for coming again, it's great to have you guys here, take care" & walked away....he FOLLOWED me & kept babbling! I stopped (I'm too nice), & after another 5 minutes of babbling, I again excused myself, saying, "I don't mean to be rude, but I need to go find my friends...but thank you so much again for coming!" This time, he actually got the hint & let me go. Donna & her beau passed me a bit later & informed me that the boys just kept reading my bio over & over again. I told Elizabeth & Heidi that the boys were stalking, & that if Harrison brought them to the cast party, I wouldn't be staying long. They didn't believe me (about the obsession).....until a few minutes later. Heidi came up to me about 5 minutes later, & said, "You're right....I just passed them & they were saying, 'What's she doing now? She's still vacumming....is she almost done? No, she's still working. Is she gonna come out here when she's done?", etc, etc....you're right, they are obsessed, & that's a bit scary." She comes back a few minutes later to inform me that it didn't sound like they were coming to the party, cause she heard Harrison ask them what time their ride would be picking them up. However....apparently, their ride never showed up. So Harrison started talking about bringing his sons AND their friend to the party. This seemed really unfair to me, cause for one thing, it's a CAST party! Boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands/wives were one thing....2 grown sons & their friend is pushing it. And I seriously would have had to leave right after eating. So I would miss MY cast party cause these boys were coming? Not cool. So Rob comes up to me & suggests that I give Dean a call (Dean was throwing the party & had already left to prepare things) before Harrison did...cause Harrison was calling to ask Dean permission to bring the 3 boys (he asked Heidi if she thought it was okay, & she told him he should call Dean). See, I was not the only one who didn't want them there. Anyway, I jump in the car & called Dean...and while I was on the phone with him, Harrison called on the other line. I begged Dean to tell Harrison he couldn't bring the boys, cause if he did, I couldn't stay long. I felt a little guilty about it, though. So when I got to Dean's, I pulled him aside & said, "I am really sorry for putting you in that position." He said, "No, trust me, it's okay. It's really tight here on space, anyway, & we just really couldn't have had 3 more people in here, & it's supposed to be a CAST party." Don't get me wrong...the boys were nice guys...but a little too obsessed with me, which makes me uncomfortable enough...and then, I'll be honest, I do NOT like being around "special" people. They make me seriously uncomfortable. I remember this one family when I was little that had 2 Down Syndrome kids (again, WHY would you keep having kids???). I remember being at the softball field & watching the younger one roam around alone (um, hello? I wouldn't let my normal kid roam around alone, much less a special needs child), & pick up cups that had been sitting there for weeks, with cigarette butts, ashes, spit, rain water, etc, in them & drink them. I think 2 things mainly bother me about "special" people....they are unpredictable, they don't really understand or grasp the concept of right from wrong, & they are lacking in intelligence (obviously). I do not enjoy the company of so-called "normal" people who are less than intelligent. I was just NOT blessed with patience, & I do not have the patience for unintelligent people. I realize what a snob I sound like....and let me tell you something, I give MAJOR props to those people who work with mentally retarded people....it takes an amount of patience I will never know or possess, & they are so giving of their hearts & time. I couldn't do it, & admire those who can. I am just very uncomfortable around them, & avoid them at all costs. I may sound like a horrible person here...but at least I am honest. I'd be willing to bet that quite a few people actually pretty much agree with me, but would never have the guts to admit it.

So Robert, my ex, actually didn't flake on me. He showed up for my show today, with his sister, Becki. I miss them both. She's really cool. She was aloof to me when Robert & I first started dating, until we bonded over her pet iguana (I guess she doesn't like squeamish girly-girls). I left a funny message for Robert on their answering machine once, & after hearing it, she told him, "Robert, you really need to marry this girl, cause she is quite possibly the strangest girl I've ever known." ;- So they showed today. They came to see the show. I knew ahead of time that they had shown, cause I asked the producer. She said she embarrassed herself, by asking him if he & I were dating....and he was like, "well...uh....we used to." :-) I scanned the audience for him during the first number, & spotted him fairly quickly. It was so good to see him....it's been almost 2 years. He laughed his butt off at everything....I would be upstairs & hear his laugh through the monitor. Our piano player, Mo----who is good friends with Robert's mother & seriously wants Robert & us back together----came upstairs during intermission & said, "Robert gets the BIGGEST grin on his face every time you walk onstage!" I ran some costume pieces out to my car during a down time in the show, & Becki was outside making a phone call. I yelled her name & asked her what she was doing outside, & she smiled & said, "Hey, as soon as you were done, I needed to make a phone call....you were great, by the way!" I had to dash to my car so I'd make it back in time....and then as soon as the show was over, apparently, they had to leave. I don't know if they had a cotillion to teach, or if that was a phone call saying they needed to be somewhere, but I was seriously disappointed. I was really looking forward to seeing Robert again...and more than a face in the audience. He gave Deb, our producer, a message for me, just that he thought the show was shorter, & they had to be somewhere, but he loved the show & would call me. I was so bummed....I had hoped that he would come to the party with me.....but considering the tightness of the apartment, it was best that he couldn't. Still....I was/am bummed.

That's all for now....more tomorrow....
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real Alice

(no subject)

Poll:
Has Monday's plane crash made you less likely to fly?

Yes: 49% 1538 votes
No: 51% 1589 votes

3127 votes total


Don't be ridiculous. Don't give in to fear! The way I look at it is this, when it's my time, it's my time...be it on a plane, on a train, on a bus, or walking off a curb. Whatever. Planes are STILL safer than getting in a car. There are FAR more car accidents than plane crashes. You just don't hear about every fatal car crash, whereas you do tend to hear about every plane crash. Don't stop flying! That's just silly.
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real Alice

Rain rain go away....

I don't like rain. I appreciate it, as something we need in the world. But I don't like it. I don't like rainy days. I mean, they are not awful if you can sit home all day, but how often do you not have work or errands or appointments or anything? I HATE getting out in the rain. It's dangerous to drive in Cali in the rain. For one thing, IDIOTS still drive 75-85 in heavy rain. Some people just don't have a clue about changing your driving method for inclement weather. For instance, today, I needed to go to the grocery store. Can you imagine if it had already started to pour when I need to go? Carrying your groceries to your car, they get soaked, & so do you. Then you have to carry them into your house in the rain, & usually, you have to make more than one trip. Miserable! Luckily, it was just sprinkling when I got home, & I just had time to cover the jacuzzi with a tarp, before it started pouring. It really came down for a while, a few minutes ago. Now it's settled down a bit. It's just a pain. My laundry room is outside the house in the backyard. So if I want to do laundry, everything gets soaked. I need to put up a canopy from the back door to the laundry room, and cover Toby's doghouse, too, since it's made out of wood.

I got the prettiest new nail polish. I am really not a girly-girl, not someone to wear nailpolish, but this one caught my eye. It's kind of an iridescent color, when you look at it one way, it looks purple; another, it looks green. It also has tints of pink; very pretty. But after only 2 days, it's already chipped off. THAT's exactly what I hate about wearing nail polish. I just cannot be bothered to take it off & re-apply it every 2 days. What a pain. And I wouldn't have fake nails put on if my life depending on it. But I have pretty nice nails. I did get some pretty glitter colors, & those are easier to re-apply without having to take off the old, cause they are not solid colors.

You know I am bored when I am talking about nail polish.

So I had my annual pap smear today. Always such a pleasant experience. Actually, it wasn't so bad. I couldn't believe how many girls were there for the "morning after" pill. Do these girls not use birth control? How foolish. Or maybe the condom broke. Anyway, I sure felt sorry for them. I actually made friends with the girl sitting next to me, & we ended up sitting there giggling. I said, "Having fun is highly inappropriate at this kind of place," which made us & the girls around us giggle. Everyone was really nice (the girls waiting)...it's like a bonding experience. I felt badly for one couple (male & female) who came in together, asking to be seen for the same symptoms (burning). For whatever reason, they were turned away. I was a little irritated that walk-ins were called before I was, cause I had an appointment. Anyway, the doctor on duty this day was a really nice woman, I liked her a lot. She was comforting & had a great bedside manner.

Which made Bethany & I (the girl sitting next to me!) wonder something....why are there so many more male doctors than female? She's like me, neither of us will see a male doctor for a GYN exam. And yet there are so few women doctors, in any genre. I have a regular female doctor....but in the 2 years or so I have had my plan, I have NEVER seen her. She is always booked so far in advance, I have to see another (male) doctor in the practice. Female doctors are in demand, & very popular (I think it's because women are naturally more sensitive, so a lot more likely to have a comforting, nurturing bedside manner). So why aren't there more of them? Why are the majority of doctors male & nurses female? Why don't more women want to be doctors? We NEED more female doctors.

Also, I found myself wondering this....what in the world would make someone grow up & decide that they want to look at vaginas all day? I mean, you have dreams, as a youngster...you wanna be a princess, a fireman, a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader (Ok, that was just me).....but a gynocologist? Vaginas are ugly things...and smelly (sometimes)....and can you imagine looking at one that is dirty or infected? Aiyiyi! How gross! I mean, I thank GOD for people who ARE willing to do it, but still....I simply cannot imagine.

Anyway....she said everything looked fine & dandy, & I got my 13 month supply of Ortho-Tri-Cyclen. Wooo-hooo! I gave a donation of $20, & I so badly wanted it to be more....but I really couldn't even afford that! Planned Parenthood is an organization I will help when I am wealthy. I think they do a great service. It's funny, cause I kept hearing other girls talk about how rude they are at this office. But they were nice to me. In my experience, when you show a little human kindness & interest in people (MOST people, not ALL), they will, in turn, be kind to you. The girl who took my blood pressure & weighed me seemed unfriendly....until I asked her why they weren't off for the holiday & about her Thanksgiving plans. Then her mood visably lightened & she was telling me about the upcoming holiday, etc. And on the way out, I told her I hoped she had a good Thanksgiving, & she wished me the same. I didn't see any hint of anyone being rude to me. Sometimes they can be non-commental, that's for sure, cause they are busy & see so many people.

Robert & Becki had to leave early yesterday because Becki had to be at work at 5PM. The show probably wasn't over until about 4:30. And she still had to go home to change. She actually called me this morning to apologize. He emailed me today to apologize & we are chatting online right now. He's so busy, with school full-time & 2-3 jobs.

Well, I think I am going to log off for now, & go do something else. I am sleepy & bored. I dislike sleeping so late, cause when you wake up, the day is practically gone. I was up til 3AM writing in my journal, & woke up around 11:30 when Becki called. Way too late to sleep....I just hate that. But I always try to get 8 hours of sleep, no matter what time I go to bed.
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