March 7th, 2002

real Alice

(no subject)

Oh, joyous, fabulous news....

My doctor things I have an ulcer. Makes perfect sense, considering (A) the symptoms I've been having, & (B) how much I stress about stuff. It would be so easy for someone else to say, "Well, stop worrying so much about stuff you have no control over." Yeah, it's really easy to say such things when you are not the worrying sort. I am a true type-A personality...I worry about the spilt milk before it's been spilt. I worry about things I have no control over. I worry over everything. Even when I think I am NOT worrying over something, the truth is, subconsciously, I am STILL worrying about it...I'm just not aware of it. My doctor has put me on Xantax to try it...I go back in two weeks, & if it's helped my symptoms, then we will pretty much have confirmation that I DO have an ulcer. Won't that be swell? But hey, on the positive side, given my symptoms, it could have been something much worse (kidney or liver disorder, gallstones, etc.), & it's nice to know WHAT it is, instead of wondering.

The biggest relief...my doctor was kinda curious if I could be pregnant. When I had sex with Eric (not the recent Eric, but my high school friend Eric) about 2 months back or so, the condom broke. But I have been on the pill since I was 17, PLUS he pulled out. So the chances were slim, but I still worry. So the doctor ordered a urine sample, & the nurse tested it with me sitting there. I cannot TELL you how hard & fast my heart was pounding! Ohmygosh! I was scared to DEATH! I started having all these thoughts....could I have an abortion? That's what I always said I'd do, but I don't know if I could go through with it. Could I have the baby & give it to a couple in need of a child? What would my friends think? What would my family think? What friend could I turn to? I wouldn't go to my sister, even thought she's had an abortion, because (1) I can't trust her to keep her mouth shut, & (2) we aren't speaking. I don't know if any of my friends would understand, cause they are so young, & they all love kids...some of them being pro-life. Would I tell Eric, or keep it to myself? In the space of one single minute, all those thoughts passed through my head. Turns out, he wasn't testing for that, just for infections. But I went by the drug store & got a pregnancy test myself, JUST to put my mind at ease (I doubt stomach pain that gets worse after eating would have anything to do with being pregnant). It was, HAPPILY, negative. I can't imagine any better news for me than that! Phew!!!!

I do need to TRY to make some lifestyle changes. I need to eat better (I actually have been lately, cause my normal "crap" has been making me feel awful, so I have been eating mostly bland stuff). I need to start walking on my treadmill & stop using it as a clothes hanger. I need to start using my yoga types. I need to learn how to meditate, or at least try (I can NEVER shut my mind up...it's constantly thinking a mile a minute).

Lifestyle changes are never easy. And I am the type who is naturally resistant to any change at all.
  • Current Music
    "Days of Our Lives"
real Alice

(no subject)

I looks like I could get a job at Best Buy. The pay is pretty damn good, & the best thing is the discounts I would get on Best Buy merchandise...and I shop there all the time. The $200 CD changer I just bought would have cost me $80, & installation would have been half the normal price. **sigh** I should have gotten the job there & THEN gotten all the stuff I just bought! But I am not sure it's a job I could handle, especially since it's "returns." But the guy who works there, he says it's not that bad. If you get a nasty customer, you almost immediately pass it off to a manager. I can't handle people being mean to me...even though, logically, I know it's not personal. It still FEELS personal to me.

I am just really confused about it. I definitely need the money. But can I still go to auditions & occasionally get extra/stand-in work if I have a part-time job? It's a bit scary for me...the thought. And I simply don't know what to do.

I got an audition for FAO Schwartz in LA. They called me from NYC today & asked me to audition on Sat. I think I would be auditioning to portray Alice in Wonderland, as a toy demonstrator. I don't know if it's for the opening or part-time or what. I guess I can ask when I call to confirm tomorrow. How cool would that be? I love playing Alice...and damnit, I'm good at it! :-)

My stomach REALLY hurts....I hope this Xantax helps. I am in a lot of discomfort. :-(
  • Current Music
    the news