June 1st, 2002

real Alice

(no subject)

Here I am at crankyangel's house, a regular Saturday night occurance.

Where oh where could my little chappell be????? I've called & called ALLLLLL day & he's no where to be found...doesn't he know there's no such thing as a day off for him, in regards to me??? *grumble*

I had a minor anxiety attack when I went to the bank earlier. I deposited $800 (all paychecks, thank you....no mooching). It gave me a balance of $600. *sigh* I really gotta start balancing my checkbook better. DUH! No kidding! I can't even begin to understand how it happened, cause I really thought I did well this month. HA! The bank took out $90 in overdraft fees. Pffffft! My fault, my fault. But boy...let me tell you...it was surreal. I felt fine...then went to the bank...and by the time I got over my SHOCK & got on the freeway, I felt a tightness in my chest, started having problems breathing, & felt nauseus. Now it could be a coinky-dink....but I doubt it.

And NO, this is not a plea for money or a "pity me" post, thank you very much. My problems are mine & I will always figure out ways to handle them (even if it's by borrowing money from a friend...shit happens ya know?).

If you ever read this journal thinking I am begging for pity, sympathy, ego-strokes (like "you're not fat, you're so pretty!"), you are sorely mistaken. I write my feelings & emotions in this, MY JOURNAL. I understand some people reading are compassionate & sympathetic & are going to give me words of support no matter what. I very much appreciate that, trust me...it means a lot. But I never expect it. If I wanted to borrow money, I would ask directly, not make hints in my journal. I am much more direct from that. Give me some credit.

And for Heavens sake....if I DO borrow money or except a GIFT of money or anything else....guess what? That's my business. I know few intelligent people who would trun down a handout in a time of need. If your pride prevents you from accepting a gift when you need it...well, you are a fool. And if you condemn others for sometimes needing financial help, you are an ass, especially when you are making judgments without knowing ALL the facts. I am a smart person....I need some $$$ help. I have some extremely generous friends. Don't be jealous. ;-Þ

I enjoy the fact that people find my journal entertaining (while SOME might find it like viewing a train wreck), I enjoy the fact that people have been touched by things I write, & that my writings might bring some closer to me (or drive them further away)....but FIRST AND FOREMOST, this journal is FOR ME. I cannot state that clearly enough. YES, I am an entertainer. I am also human & love human contact, human compassion, laughter, etc. But I do this for ME above all else. I would hope that would be clear by now. Hopefully, now it is.

Well, we're off for karaoke/bowling. I wonder if crankyangel will pay my way (she just bought us all pizza....yum!)??? Should I tell her I just had a pedicure & now I'm broke????? Or about those 15 CDs I just bought? What about the 5 pairs of Manolo Blatniks? *wink*
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