March 5th, 2003


(no subject)


Woke up at 6AM feeling like hell today. I am waiting for my doctor's office to open to make an appointment. I can't go on like this anymore. It's related to whatever abdominal pain I have been having for over a year. My doc originally suspected an ulcer....then we though ulcer or endometriosis. Now I just don't know, but I suspect something "female" much more than something stomach related.

The straw that broke the camel's back is the lumps that have formed on my low back. Right about where my back becomes my butt, there are lumps. They aren't muscle knots. The one on the right moves around a lot, & is sizable. The one(s) on the left is smaller. They are tender to the touch. When I thought they were knotted muscles, I had a friend massage them....and they THROBBED in response for about 3 days. They didn't like being massaged. They have been there since before I left to see my a few weeks now. My low back/butt will just start aching, out of the blue. Then the pain will spread around the front, to my abdomen. The pain in my abdomen...the BEST way I can describe it is by saying the pain almost feels like my appendicitis pain....but you can't have that twice, so that can't be what it is. It's a dull, constant, crampy aching. One day it was so bad & so non-stop, I threatened to go to the ER after work. There's no rhyme or reason. It's not JUST the week of my period or JUST the week of, or JUST the week's not JUST after I eat certain foods. It doesn't happen EVERY day, but enough to bother me a lot. And my hurts. It just hurts.

I might actually call my doc first, & ask if he thinks I should come see him first, or just head to the ER. They might be able to do the tests right away. I would hate to spend $100 I don't have to see my doc, just to have him send me to the ER for another $50 I don't have, etc. That's the matter where I go, I don't have any money. Not ONE thin dime. Not one. My dad told me a while back that he would never leave me hanging with medical expenses, that I should have ANY tests my doc recommends. It would be great if he helped me pay off the bills...but the problem is, I need money UPFRONT to see the doc & go to the ER. $50 minimum. I can't wait til he sends me some money, & I hate to ask him, anyway.

I HATE my financial situation. I HATE it. It's not helping my stress level. I wish I had good medical coverage or some money so I didn't have the ADDED stress of "how am I going to pay for this?" And no, I am not saying all this hoping someone will send me money. This is serious.

It comes to times like this where I say I want to end it all. How many medical problems can one person be expected to deal with? I have an illness (such as a cold, flu, pneumonia) every other month or so, if not sooner! I apparently have NO immune system. And now this....I say "now" as if this problem hasn't been going on for over a year now...but it's just gotten worse. I simply can't take it anymore. The worst part is knowing something's wrong, but having no idea what...and being faced with tests I can't afford to find out.

And yes, I realize that there are people who are worse off, health-wise, than I am. But I just don't know how much more I can take. I'd hate to date anyone, because I'd hate to drag someone into my health problems. This just sucks all the way around.

And no, I am not feeling sorry for myself, & no, I wouldn't off myself, I just FEEL like it. I am just expressing my feelings.
  • Current Mood
    worried worried

(no subject)

Well, I'm jumping in the shower & then heading to the ER. Oh joy! I just LOVE going there! I love being poked & prodded....and given the nature of my pain, they will probably do a pelvic, & I HATE having male doctors do that! I doubt it will help if I tell them I just had a pelvic in November. Knowing doctors today, they won't run any tests, just listen to what I say, & give me a script of pain pills. Well, I won't accept that. I hate pain medicine (particularly narcotics), & I HATE it when they try to cover the pain without first discovering what's CAUSING the pain! I hope they will run some tests. If I am going to end up on the street from medical bills, might as well do them all!

I finally fell back asleep for a's now 5 hours after I first woke up, & I am STILL very queasy, & my lower back really aches.

I am going to have to do a direct deposit transfer of my $80 paycheck, just to have enough money to go to the ER. That sucks. Oh well.
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious