July 25th, 2003


(no subject)

Had a great day in Hollywood with Maranda. A couple of friends gave me money to get them some MAC makeup, since I get such a good discount. Couldn't buy anything for myself, naturally, but it's fun to shop for other people, too. Yume did makeovers on me & Maranda.

We also posed for a tattoo artist. He's amazing. A truly gifted artist. He's really into pixies, so we posed as, like, pixie sisters (Maranda & I look a lot alike). He said he would give us the laser prints of it, & then he will probably sell the painting in his store. While we were in there, his "good friend" Kiefer Sutherland popped in. He's really good looking in person, & hung out there for a while. He took an interest in me when I mentioned I was an actress.

Then at Hollywood & Highland I saw Harlem, the guy who won "Fame." He seems to be really nice. People were taking pictures with him.

I just love Hollywood.

Then the day quickly turned downhill.

I was supposed to talk to my dad today to settle the details of my trip home for Labor Day, since he's buying the plane ticket. He called me around 5-6, & told me that he was driving to Alabama (he had earlier told me he was driving to his mountain home in NC). He said MeMama had received a call from the Veteran's nursing home where PaPa has been since Tuesday, & they didn't expect him to last the night. Dad had to go down there, because Doug (my uncle, his brother) is in China on business. I called MeMama, & she didn't know too much. She said he had become unresponsive, his blood pressure was VERY low, & his pulse was almost nonexistant. I wondered how they could possibly predict that he was going to die that night. I mean, we have watched his health, particularly his mental health, decline over the last 5-10 years, & yet he still kept on going, like the Energizer Bunny. How could they possibly know if/when someone is going to die?

I guess at a nursing home, they see it enough.

PaPa died. My phone rang after 10PM, & when I saw my dad's mobile number come up, I knew it couldn't be good news. As soon as I answered & heard him say my name through tears, I knew. I have only seen/heard my dad cry ONE other time in my 31 years, so that's a tough one to deal with. My heart ached for him, & I didn't know how to comfort him. He said it best, "He's better off....but it's hard to let go." Death is always hardest for those left behind. PaPa didn't remember us anymore, so to him, WE were already gone...but we just lost him. And I think he was alone when he passed, which sucks. But honestly, he wouldn't have known if anyone was there, anyway. But still.

It's so tough. You keep running memories through your mind. All of a sudden, there's a slideshow of your memories with that person in your mind. I spent a lot of time with these grandparents during summers. He bought me a great bike, he constantly took me fishing on the Alabama River, which I loved....he let me drive the fishing boat. He was a GREAT man, & absolutely, positively ADORED me. Even in his last months when he couldn't remember my name, he would always ask MeMama, "When is that little girl coming to visit us again?" He just declined soooo rapidly just since FEBRUARY, it's downright frightening. It's freaky how the body & mind can shut down that fast. He knew who I was in February....and by May, he had no clue who I was.

I know nothing about funeral arrangements, & if I will even be able to go. That is the negative about living across the country. Dad is almost to Greenville now. Doug is in China. Kathy is in West Virginia on vacation. The only way I'd be able to go home is if dad bought my plane ticket, & even then, missing ONE day of work would just kill me right now, financially, & missing more than one....*sigh* I know my grandmother needs me there, my dad needs me there, my sister needs me there....but it's just going to kill me, financially. It SUCKS so bad that I even have to think about that in a time like this. It makes me hate myself & my situation even more.

I am very grateful that I DID make that trip home in May....because that was the last time I saw him. And sadly....my gut instinct is that MeMama won't be far behind, & I adore her more than words can say.

It truly sucks to get older....cause those you love get older, too...and start passing away.

PaPa, rest in peace. You were a fabulous grandfather, & I will never forget you.

(Comments aren't necessary, but should you feel the need, just know that I appreciate your thoughts & sympathies, whether I respond or not. I KNOW you guys care, responses or not.)
  • Current Mood
    sad sad