Yeah, I realize we need it. But it still sucks. (To say nothing about how STUPID people drive in the rain here. You cannot drive 8o MPH on the California freeways in heavy rain, I don't care HOW tough your truck/SUV is...the freeways here are not equipped for heavy rain, & puddle up too much).
My job is outdoors. When it rains, my job gets canceled. Thanks to people who helped me out, I was JUST going to survive this month....and then the rain came. Work was canceled today, & it's supposed to rain all week, so work will be canceled all week. I will NOT survive now. I will NOT be able to pay the rest of my bills. I will NOT be able to buy stamps for all my Xmas cards (I can't even buy stamps for my bills, if I *could* pay them). I will NOT be able to buy the gifts I wanted to buy. No groceries. Maybe a loaf of bread. I can make pb&j sandwiches. Gas is going to be difficult. I cannot believe this.
There's nothing I can do, either. I was seriously counting on this last paycheck to get me through the month. But thanks to El Nino, no more. Fuck. I don't know what I will do.
One thing about me, I get serious pleasure from making others smile. I understand my friends & family don't expect presents from me. My dad expects nothing, Memama just wants jelly ($1 a jar, I can afford a few of those), Momme Dot only wants the Vanilla Musk perfume & lotion (already bought that), Kathy said I didn't need to get her anything, Dad wouldn't expect anything, & my friends told me they understand I am desperately broke & don't need a thing. But *I* feel guilty not buying gifts. This season is about *GIVING* for me. I love getting gifts, too, not gonna lie about that. But the true joy is in the giving to me...and I can't afford to give anything this year. This hurts me beyond words. I am getting teary just thinking about not being able to buy gifts. I managed to scrounge up enough to buy piddly nothing gifts for my girlfriends at work, & that's about it. And a lot that I am giving the girls are stuff I had at home (never used stuff, bought for one reason or another a while back), that I have decided to give up to give them something. I am giving Jen, Ashley, Mary, & Alicia stuff I already had. I got inexpensive stuff for Andrea, Rebecca, Amy, & Maranda. But I HATE that I have nothing for my sister. I am trying to hustle to finish knitting a scarf for my dad, but it's slow going, & I am not even sure he'll wear it.
I care not to buy gifts for myself....I care not if I get any...but to not be able to GIVE any? That's killing me inside. And how pathetic is it that I cannot even afford stamps for measly XMAS cards? Sheesh.
On top of that, I am starting to freak myself out about possibly having EBV. I *KNOW* I shouldn't, since there's a good chance I DON'T have it. But I cannot help wondering, "What if I do?" And all the things that would mean. Apparently, EBV is transferable when you kiss someone. Would I have to warn every guy I am going to kiss that I have it? If I have it, I have had it since at least 1991...and it apparently remained dormant all these years. You can get it from your mother when you are born. From what I understand, it's similar to the wart virus, where almost everyone has it in their body (is a carrier, basically), but some people never get it, it just remains dormant. I don't know enough about it. But how would I deal with having fever, headaches, & exhaustion almost every day for the rest of my life? What a drag that would be, to put it mildly! I have a temp of 99.4 & a headache right now. My job takes a lot of energy. I always manage to find energy for work (cause performing ENERGIZES me), but my social life sure seems to suffer. I sure hope I don't have EBV....but what if I do?
And then I think....if I don't have that, what IS wrong with me? I believe that I am severely stressed about finances, but can stress give you fever? Can it tear your immune system down? I believe the latter, but not so much the former. WHAT is wrong with me? It's so frustrating to not know. She ordered a "complete blood work up"...wouldn't that show just about anything? I mean, if you have cancer, or certain liver ailments, etc...wouldn't SOMETHING show up in your blood work? Like elevated white cells or red cells? I just want to know what's wrong...whatever it is.
I am going to go at some point this week & get an application for In & Out Burger. I already got one for Jamba Juice. I could flip burgers or make smoothies.
I desperately need to clean my living room....but I can't get into the mood. It sounds strange, but it's hard for me to clean when it's dark out. It's not even 6PM, but it's pitch black outside. It's been dark all day, due to the rain. Yes, I have a couple of lamps in the living room, but it's weird...darkness coming in from outside makes me not want to clean...I need sunshine. Weird. And I need to do laundry to pack for my trip, but I have to walk outside in the rain to get to my laundry room (it's out back in a little room off the house). Doesn't do any good to wash clothes if they get wet running back in the house.
The rain is awful. I called work twice to find out if we were still on, or if they were canceling. They said we were still on, it wasn't raining there. Then they said it had started to sprinkle, but then stopped. I have to leave my house by 1:30 on NORMAL weather days to make it by 3PM. So I wanted to leave by 1:15 or earlier to drive in the rain, knowing that rain screws everyone up. They hadn't canceled by the time I needed to leave, so I left for work. I got as far as the 2 freeway (not too far...everyone was going 40 due to the DOWNPOUR, & then I hit traffic...probably due to rain accidents) when they called to say we were canceled for the day. I got off the freeway & turned around to go back home. The rain was HORRIBLE. It was really coming down. Puddles are AWFUL (California roads are NOT suitable for heavy rain). I was hydroplaning on the freeway, & I was only going 40-50 (in a big heavy truck, no less). Scary stuff. Driving in heavy rain has always made me nervous.
So I call Erin & Maranda (who were shopping together before work) to tell them we had been canceled....and Maranda told me I should have not answered my phone & gone in to collect 2 hour report pay. Are ya nuts? Drive through that horrible, dangerous rain, 2 hours to work, probably be late due to the rain (we get infractions on our record if we are late or call in sick/personal, & too many infractions can get you written up & even fired), just to be sent home in RUSH HOUR traffic the other way, in the torrential downpour, JUST for 2 hours pay? Two hours pay is a tank of gas. Sheesh. And it's just so dangerous! I could have crashed my truck & lost it, gotten hurt, etc. And then Maranda said that, despite the fact that *I* called to tell them we were canceled, they were going to go to work anyway, & just not answered their phones, so they could get the 2 hour pay. I told them that was deceitful, & that they shouldn't do it. I wasn't surprised that Maranda wanted to do that, but was surprised that Erin wanted to...that wasn't like her. Hey, I need the money, too, but I don't feel right doing that. For one thing, it's actually in the employee handbook that when there is inclement weather, it's the employee's responsibility to call in to your department & find out if you are still supposed to go into work or not. So saying you never got a message saying we were canceled is no excuse. *WE* are supposed to call in, that's part of our job. We know we can't do our shows in the rain. You know when it's raining. You know to call in & ask. So I wonder if they went to work, & if they got that pay....I sure didn't.
I just pray the rain ends, so I only miss one day of pay. That's already going to kick my ass.