Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

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My heart is very heavy right now.

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for the people I care about, when it's within my ability to do something. I would move Heaven & Earth for someone I love, if they needed me to, & I was able to.

I want millions of dollars. Why? Well, for one thing, I'd love to build my dream home that I designed when I was 14. I'd love to never struggle again to pay my bills. I'd LOVE to be able to help/donate to my fave charities (anything helping animals, & I'd probably build & open an animal rescue home; AIDS; cancer research; struggling artists; etc.).

But most of all, I want to help those I love. I hate feeling powerless to help my loved ones. Maybe it's that control freak part of me, but I hate it.

My friends Alicia, Andrea, Rebecca, Ashley, & Maranda, & possibly Mary were supposed to spend the night tonight. We were going to have a knitting/crocheting/pizza/DVD party. Everyone's kinda stressed, & it was going to be fun to unwind & chill with each other, cause we are all like sisters (we all work together at Knott's & are very close). Well, Mary's mom wouldn't let her borrow her car, & Mary's car would never make it as far as my house, & she has to sing at church tomorrow & be there around 6AM (we wouldn't get back down to OC earlier than 10AM). Ashley's mom forgot she told her about staying over tonight, & fussed at her about it, so Ashley felt she should stay home. Alicia's brother in law had something happen to a member of his family, & Alicia's sister needed her to watch the kids. Andrea's car is acting up (she lives pretty far from me), & her dad didn't want her driving it this far until he has a chance to look at it. She asked to borrow her mom's car to drive over here (she starts school next week & this was her last weekend of freedom), but her sister wanted it to go to the mall. Andrea said, "OK, but can I at least go to the mall with you?" Her sister left without her, stranding her. Andrea called me bawling, one because she wanted to hang with us, & two because she's frustrated beyond compare. In the last two weeks, she has applied for job after job after job after job (crappy ones, too...beggars can't be choosers), & because the economy is so bad & it's not a holiday season, no one is hiring. Her schooling costs her $220/mo. in tuition, & her parents can't afford to help her any more. She was counting on 1 day a week at Knott's to pay that tuition, but our supervisor scheduled her completely off one upcoming weekend. She's going to be at least $75 short for tuition. I told her if she stopped crying, & started thinking positively, *I* would write her a check for $75. Do *I* HAVE $75??? Nope. But I will go without food for a week or survive on Ramen noodles to help her.

Maranda went home after work to get her cellphone charger & to meet her ex to get money he owed her. When she stopped briefly by her house, her mom excitedly wanted to show her how well she'd cleaned the house. Maranda set her overnight bag & her purse by the door, just for a minute. Her ASSHOLE father stormed in & YELLED at her, "I want this SHIT out of this room RIGHT NOW!" Her mother said, "She just walked in the door," & he yelled back, "I don't give a shit if she's been here 10 minutes or 10 seconds, I want this SHIT out of here NOW!" Maranda's father is---to put it lightly---emotionally abusive. They adopted Maranda & her brother, "Jr.," when they were 4 & 2. Her dad only wanted her brother, but was told in order to have him, he had to take Maranda, too. So they did. But her "father" flat-out told her that he had NOT wanted her. He pounds that into her head constantly with his words & actions. She went through her rebellious & drug phase as a teen, but she's a good kid who works hard & is polite & helpful to her parents (she's 19). She calls me bawling, & says she can't make it tonight, she lost the mood to have fun, & went on to say things like, "Why does he hate me so much? What did I do to make him hate me? Why is he so mean? I try to be a good daughter....all I ever wanted was to be loved. No matter how much I love him, he's mean to me." It broke my heart to hear these things. I KNOW she's not making this up. The time her car broke down & I pushed her car against traffic to get her off the busy, dangerous road (not one single person stopped to help her), & stayed with her until her parents could get there....her dad didn't even ACKNOWLEDGE me when they got there. I said "hi" to her mom & then to her dad, & he grumbled a "hi" back, without remotely looking at me. I lent him my keychain flashlight to see under the hood, & he didn't thank me, just handed them back. He finally got in the car & drove off, not one single "thank you" for helping his daughter, staying with her, risking my life to push her safely off the road, not one word, not one acknowledgment. Unbelievable. Everytime her PIECE OF SHIT car breaks down, he says it's "her fault" for not taking car of it. Ummmm.....I was supposed to get a transmission service, a new rotor, & an oil change back in SEPTEMBER, & didn't....& my truck is still running fine. She ONLY drives it to work & back, because it's not reliable. She's had so many car problems that I can't count them anymore, & he keeps blaming her & claiming it was in "GREAT" condition when they bought it. Riiiiiiiiight. The cable snapped off the battery the other day, corroded, & she went to the store, bought the parts, & fixed it herself. She maintains the car as well as humanly possible. What an ass.

I begged her to come to my house anyway, that I would make her a vanilla coke & give her a massage, we'd watch a funny movie, & I'd tuck her into bed around 9PM. She said she just wanted to be alone, & didn't want to piss her father off further by leaving the house. I wanted to beat on his door & kick his white trash, classless ass.

In September, Maranda is probably moving in with her boyfriend, Stephen. He also hates her abusive father, & wants her out of that situation, but can't do anything himself until September. Tomorrow, I am going to tell her to move in with me until September, rent free if she needs to. She will have to see about transferring to Valley College, cause no way her car would make it from Burbank to Santa Ana 5 days a week. I said I'd never have a roommate again. I enjoy my privacy & aloneness. I am a hermit. But I would do almost ANYTHING for my friends. I would give them the shirt off my back if they needed it. I cannot stand to see her hurt this way, & feel useless, unloved, & unwanted by a man who is supposed to love her more than just about any other man on Earth. Being BLESSED with AWESOME parents, I cannot fathom what it must feel like to be unwanted (& know it) & feel unloved by the people you love the most, & feel like you can do no right. I cannot fathom a parent being so cruel to their child. I know it happens all the time---emotional abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect....but I cannot UNDERSTAND *HOW* it happens, *WHY* it happens. Why some people are dealt that nasty parental hand. You do not ask to be brought into this world. You just are. And sometimes you are lucky with the parents you get....and sometimes you are not (Maranda's birth father physically abused them, & I think sexually, too....and I am not sure which form of abuse is the worst). It breaks my heart. My heart breaks for her. I want her to transfer to Valley College & come live with me, until she can move in with Stephen. I want her AWAY from her "father" (in name only, I say). Stephen is welcome at my house any time, too. He's awesome, & I am SO grateful that she has him.

Maranda is extra emotional today cause not only is Aunt Flo due soon, but she spent the night last night & we stayed up til 6:30AM, & had to wake up at 8AM (well, 8:30, but the lawn workers woke us up at 8!). OUCH! Me, Maranda, Erin, Mary, Alicia, & Tim (our supervisor) went to DCA (Disney's California Adventure) & Disneyland all day yesterday, & Maranda, Alicia, & I had dinner with Maranda's boyfriend, Stephen, & his boss, Gary, afterwards. Stephen & Gary work in security for Diz-land, & Gary is an old friend of mine from his Knott's security days. So we were at the Rainforest Cafe until at least 10:30, another half hour to get back to our car, & after dropping Alicia off, got to my house around midnight. We then stayed up talking & stuff, until we realized it was 6:30AM!!!!! So we are both wiped out today (we worked all day). I know that when *I* am exhausted, I am OVERLY emotional.

I actually called Stephen & told her she needed him tonight, & mentioned my idea of her staying here until she can move in with him, & he thought it was a great idea. Now we just have to convince her....she's stubborn. And if she left, she'd never be able to go back (her brother, Jr., is a total loser who lives in their house in ONE BEDROOM with his wife AND 2 kids....his wife, Dawn, smoked while she was pregnant, they all smoke around the 2 young kids, & Jr. smacked the older one so hard one day that Maranda took a picture of his handprint on her for "evidence." He was also in prison for a while. Now there's some super-intelligent people....living with mommy & daddy, can't afford to properly provide for the FIRST kid you shouldn't have had....gee, why not have ANOTHER one & make the kids suffer....good plan. What a family!).

So my plans for a fun, relaxing night went quickly down the tubes. Me, Mary, & Ashley still had dinner together at Po Folks, so that was nice.

I just wish I had money to help all my friends. I want to help friends & I want to help strangers. I want to GIVE money that I make. Right now, I am barely keeping my OWN head afloat, & that's strictly by relying on the kindness of MY friends to help me when I am in dire need. I can barely help myself right now, much less help someone else. But I so badly want to. I want to build that animal rescue home & save innocent dogs & cats from "death row" (they can't help it that humans are too IDIOTIC to spay & neuter & keep their pets either indoors or in a SECURE backyard). I want to donate money to find a cure for AIDS & cancer. I want to help the American Lung Association to get rid of smoking (HA!). I want to do what I can to help the homeless. I want to help my poor friends. I want to help Maranda, want to help Mary, want to help Alicia (who can't get a job either & has to pay SKY-HIGH insurance rates every month & has diabetes)...want to help Erin....I just want to help. It makes me truly, truly happy & spirtually fulfilled to help others. It's great when I am happy...but it MAKES me happy to bring happiness & help to others. I am just so frustrated that I am not IN a position to help others. And I long for & pray for the day when I can. And you can mark my words that I will.
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