Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,
Pollyanna
alicenwndrln

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I want so badly to write about my Alabama trip, but I simply haven't had the energy. I know it's going to be a long post. Maybe tomorrow. I think I am still on CST, because I am REALLY sleepy & it's only 8:45PM. That would be 10:45 CST, which would explain why I am sleepy already. Cause I got 8 hours of sleep last night. I just think I am too sleepy to fully detail my trip. I will honest try tomorrow (not like anyone is waiting on the edge of their seat, or anything!)

I read an interesting post from a friend of mine tonight. He basically said that people shouldn't bitch & moan about the same problem over & over again, with no intention of even trying to change the situation. I basically agree with him....BUT.....at the same time, isn't your journal supposed to be your place to say anything you feel? Anything that is on your mind? You should always be able to express whatever you feel in your journal. If someone doesn't like the things they read, they can either remove you as a friend, or skip over particular posts you make. Pretty simple. Some guy said something like, "Yeah, I get tired of reading...." Then don't read it. Then drop that person from your friend's list. Sometimes, people NEED to vent about the same problem over & over, because they are trying to work out a solution. I know, for me, it helps to write things out, sometimes repeatedly, to work on a solution in my head. Sometimes we honestly feel helpless to change certain situations. I think if someone has a consistent problem---they keep self-destructing their relationships---then perhaps they should seek help. Perhaps their friends should encourage that, instead of just saying crap like, "Oh honey, it's not you, it's these lousy men you pick." Well, people pick lousy men over & over for a reason. It's not just coincidence. So you are not doing your friend any favors to just pat their back every time they mention such a thing. Honesty is better. They might get mad at you initially, but eventually they will be better off....and if you DID lose their friendship for being honest, then what kind of friend were they to begin with, that you can't be honest? But the bottom line is this....I don't think people should be criticized EVER for whatever they want to write in their journal. That is what a journal is for...and if you don't want to read the person's thoughts....then exercise your right not to, & skip over it or remove them from your list. Duh.

I am still slightly agitated over events that occurred in my home while I was away. I think my best friend is being dishonest with me, & that bothers me to no end. Mainly because the suspicion that she is lying to me is JUST a gut feeling, I have no definite proof.
It hurts me to even suspect dishonesty on her end. I was REALLY agitated this morning & yesterday (& the last couple of days that I was in AL), but I felt a LITTLE better after talking to Amy at work today. She is the one who ended up MOSTLY staying at my house. And I feel she is being honest with me. It's Alicia I feel is being dishonest. I will detail it more tomorrow, or when I have the energy. I think stressing over it is what has zapped me. And the truth is...there ain't a DAMN thing I can do about it now. Regardless of what happened, the animals didn't starve to death, or freeze to death...they are all alive, & the house is still standing. So I guess I can't complain TOO much.

I am troubled by this situation with John. That will probably be confusing to anyone reading this, since I haven't detailed the John situation yet. But briefly...he is the ex I saw while in AL. "Ex" is stretching it. I think we probably saw each other a grand total of 4-5 times when I was 16. He was the drummer of a band called The Newboys (their music was AWESOME---I have two albums---and they were actually REALLY popular & successful in the South & Southeast), & was 23-24 (yes, I was jailbait, but we never had sex, barely even "made-out"). We have not seen each other since I was 16. We kept in touch via mail for a few years after that, & then lost touch until last January (2001). I had no idea if I would still be attracted to him (& vice versa) after 13 years. I couldn't remember much about our only physical encounter, because that was the ONE AND ONLY time in my life that I was ever drunk. But....I was still attracted to him....to a almost startling degree. He had a goatee...anyone who knows me knows I hate facial hair...and I found it pretty sexy on him. He even said he ALMOST shaved it off for me, knowing I didn't like it, & changed his mind at the last minute. He was definitely still attracted to me, too. More detail will follow eventually...but the gist of it is this. Now I am stuck with having almost kinda fallen in love with him (in 2 days...crazy, I know), & that has screwed me. I don't know that I have fallen for him....or the potential that he represented. On paper, he is EXACTLY (well, almost, my "ideal" man is tall, & John is kinda short) what I am looking for. Exactly. He is 37 (older than me, which I love). He doesn't drink alcohol (not a drop...and I didn't think such a man existed), doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, & is annoyed by people who need to drink or get stoned to have a good time (just like me). AND he doesn't want kids. As icing on the cake, he is a great singer (a HUGE turn-on for me), is handsome, & has a GREAT body. He's also polite, well-mannered, secure, artistic, musically talented, cares about people, my grandmother loved him, etc. I could go on & on. I never thought I would meet someone who had those four main qualities I look for (no drinking, no drugs, no smoking, no kids/no desire for kids). And here he is....and I have known him for 13 years. And I actually am attracted to him, too (meaning, I HAVE met guys who had those 4 qualities....but I was not attracted to them). BUT......and it's a big one.....he fucking lives across the country from me! That sucks! I think he would honestly be open to the potential, because when I expressed a bit of what I was feeling/thinking, he started thinking about the "what-ifs"..."what if I did move to California?"..."what if we were compatible?"...."what if we did fall in love?" But it's truly a moot point right now. He is hoping to make it out here in May for a convention, but lots can happen before May. He could meet someone else....I could meet someone else (unlikely). Etc., etc. So I don't even want to get my hopes up for his trip out here, in case it doesn't happen...much less get my hopes up for anything more. In order to even ATTEMPT a relationship with each other, he'd HAVE to move out here. He said he was actually considering it---before we saw each other again---because this company he wants to work for is out of Valencia, CA (about 15 minutes north of me!). That would be SO awesome. Even if things DIDN'T work out romantically, we still would always be good friends.

**sigh** Again....I have no clue if my feelings & emotions are truly for him, like I truly fell for him...or if I fell for the "potential" of what could be. I don't know how to tell. And if I DID fall for him, how do I get over it? Do I want to get over it? Should I be honest with him about what I am feeling? With that comes the risk of being seriously & embarrassingly rejected. But gee....isn't that what love is all about? ;- All I know is that I have thought of little else besides him since I returned...and my girlfriends said that I literally started to "glow" whenever I talked about him today.
Scary.
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