Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

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Things are okay & not so great. You know the feeling? A few months ago, I was about $1600 or so behind on bills, but now I am only $300-500 behind (about $300 behind on cable, & my electricity bill & phone bill just came in!). That's an amazing improvement, & all thanks to how blessed I am with awesome friends. It also helps that I have been working my ass off, 6 days a week!

This week is horrible, though. I am way behind. I took that "vacation" to go home & see my grandparents, & while I got 2 days vacation pay, it was still 3-4 days off with no pay, & that has just killed me. A friend just had to send me enough to pull me out of being overdrawn ($11) & enough to get kitty food ($25). That's all I care about, cause I can eat very little for a few days. I just worry about the kitties.

You know what, though? It's like I told chappell.....I can always borrow money if I have to, I cannot borrow a visit with my ailing grandparents. None of the 3 are doing well. MeMama, whom I adore more than words can say, is not going to hold on much longer. She absolutely broke my heart. Kathy & Dad went to go get us something to eat, & MeMama broke down sobbing to me. I don't think I have ever seen her cry, or seem so absolutely defeated. I think she just knows her time is up. The really important artery (not that they aren't ALL important!) is almost completely clogged, & there is NOTHING they can do about it at her age. They are trying to regulate her medication to bring her blood pressure UP, because it was scary-low (meaning her heart is very weak). She told my dad that she feels like a failure, because she could no longer take care of PaPa. I think she kinda feels like, with him being taken care of, she has nothing left to do in life. Heck, her sons live states away, her grandchildren are far, too.....she is too weak to get out much. They are actually going to be putting her in an assisted living home, too, & selling their house. I took tons of pictures of it while I was there, cause I suspect I will never see that house again (& I basically grew up in it!). My grandmother's tone, her demeanor....everything's different. She's just ready to go. My gut feeling is that the next time I am in Alabama, it will be for a funeral. Sad, but reality. I soooooo don't want her to EVER die, but I have to face reality. I really wanted them ALL to live at least long enough to see me make it in Hollywood....but geez, my mother didn't even make it THAT long! PaPa....we went to go see him at his assisted living home, & his left calf was twice the size of his right one. We ended up shoving him into my dad's car & taking him to the ER.....where---thanks to me---they found a blood clot behind his knee....that could have dislodged & gone to his lungs & killed him (I say "thanks to me" because the doctor was only looking at his foot, & said he must have sprained it without knowing it, & was gonna put a splint on his ankle & send him home....til I said, "Ummmm....I have had many sprained ankles, & they've never swelled up my entire lower leg...is that normal? The doctor said he didn't check his leg, he thought it was just his ankle, & he didn't know PaPa was diabetic, either....so he ordered another ultrasound, & that's when they found the clot). That was an emotionally draining day....as if my grandmother crying to me wasn't enough, I had to "babysit" PaPa in the hospital.....he forgets where he is, he didn't even know who I was. When we first got there, he asked my dad, "Who are those two pretty young girls you have with you?" When my dad explained we were his granddaughters, he said, "Really? Well, they sure seem like right nice girls." It's heartbreaking to witness that decline. And it's heartbreaking to not be remembered. He's such a cutie-pie, & was so good to me growing up, it breaks my heart to see him this way. And it's only going to get worse. To top it off, I have to be terribly empathic....which sucks. I feel soooo badly for my father, for what HE is having to go through with this. As hard as it is for me, it's twice as bad for him. He promised his dad he'd never put him in a home....but then had no choice. He's watching his mom & dad dwindle away....and that's got to be very sad. It's sad enough for me. My dad told me today that if he ever gets like PaPa, he doesn't want me to put him in a home, he wants me to shoot him!

And then you have my other grandmother.....Momme Dot. Bless her heart.....her blood pressure is extremely erratic, & dangerously high most of the time (stroke-level, basically). She's basically made herself a prisoner in her home. She's afraid to go much of anywhere, especially if she's alone. She was always so active, so that's strange to see. Hey, I say if you're almost 80 years old, live your fucking life....if you die living, at least you were living....you know? I'm gonna go out with a fight, that's all I'm saying. So she's basically defeated, too. It's tough to see. And she's such a nag...almost mean, sometimes. It's hard to take. My sister pitched a huge hissy, & I almost did. I adore her, she does a lot for us, but she's so FRUSTRATING, you don't WANT to spend time with her. You do, cause you love her, but then it's so damn stressful! So that gets to me.

It was nice seeing my sister & Dad, though.....even though I didn't really see too much of my dad (he had to babysit PaPa overnight in the hospital, cause he's confused & won't stay in the bed).

So yeah....the money is hurting me....but I would not give up that visit for any amount of money in the world. I hope & pray that wasn't the last time I see MeMama, but my gut.......

On the better news front, I actually have a date tomorrow night. Wait, IS that good news ? :-) Guys tend to be bad news for me. Anyway, his name is Hugh, & he's one of our techs at Knott's. He's about 6'6. He's a sweetie, though, & really quietly funny....and a nice calm balance to my high-strung-ness. But he's only 23....and I've had horrible luck with younger men. And he lives with his parents still....of course, it's because he's saving up for a down payment for his own house, but still. But he's a pretty sweet guy, & a cutie, too.

There's a couple of other guys who have potential, too....but I just think men are usually more trouble than they're worth. And I just really don't have the time or energy to date....for instance, Erin passed out at work today (in the MIDDLE of a show!), & I came close....it's sooooo hot onstage, & we use sooooo much energy. I come home & want to pass out. I just want to sit & crochet....and then hit the hay early. If I don't get 8+ hours of sleep a night these days, I will drop out for sure.

I have more specifics about my Alabama trip...but I don't have the time or the energy to type it. *sigh*
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