I send Cole an email last night thanking him for being nice to my cousin, etc.
Here's what I said:
Thanks again for meeting up with us today. My cousin is pretty shy, & it's nice for her to be around other sociable people besides me. I appreciate your kindness to her.
I hope your Mongolian BBQ was as delightful as you expected.
Did you want to hook up with me & my friends tomorrow night, or would you rather be strung up by your toenails? They are both fun, & we don't mind coming to Santa Monica, if that's more convenient for you (I assume you might know something fun to do in SM...bowling, mini golf, karaoke someplace where a 20 year old can get in, etc.?). I don't know if you have plans already or would just prefer not to go....your excitement when I mentioned this as an idea today was a bit....overwhelming.
Was everything cool today? You seemed a bit distant. Perhaps you were just tired? Perhaps I emitted a foul odor? Perhaps the gouged nose wasn't as sexy in the daylight? Surely you jest.
PS Call me if you want to meet up tomorrow (Tuesday) night."
[The gouged nose comment is because the night he was over, Bella accidently gouged my nose, & it bled in front of him for a good hour...more like GUSHED...and he still likes me!]
"Glad the italian food did its job! your cousin was cool, it was no problem hanging with her.
I'm not sure if I feel like going out tonight or not yet. Give me a call and we can discuss it. Sorry if I seemed weird yesteday, to tell you the truth I was a bit distant. I really like you Alice, and I had a great time on Saturday, but I need to take things really slowly here. The reason being my ex-girlfriend (who is in SF) is still lingering a bit on the mind, so dating is a little awkward for me right now. We dated for 5 years and broke up in January, but are still friends and are just started to date other people. This was obviously not something I wanted to bring up on a first date (uh oh! look! he's pyscho!) and I really did have a great time. I just need to ease into things here, does that make sense?
Sorry this came out through email, I was gonna talk to you in person but I didn't want to do it with your cousin around.
Anyway, give me a call and we can talk about tonight. I hope you don't hate me...
Well, it was nice of him to explain. It certainly says a lot about his character, & the fact that he really must like me to explain all that. I feel a bit better. But I still feel bad, because I am always going to wonder if he's thinking of her when he's with me. He is living here now, & she's still in San Fran, so it's not likely that they will get back together...but 5 years! Together 5 years, & just broke up in January? It took me a YEAR to get over a relationship that lasted 1.5 years!!!! Of course he's not over her yet! How could he be? But a part of me thinks I am already falling for him, but that's really scary to me. Scary for many reasons. For one thing, the last time I was in love, I got my heart broken. For another, it's definitely risky to fall for someone who's not over his last girlfriend. And 5 years....I cannot even imagine being with the same person that long!
So I told him that I liked him enough to take things as slowly as he needed to go, that I could TRY to learn some patience (that not being my strong suit). I think he's worth it. But I asked him for a favor. I asked if we could go slower physically if we were slowing down, emotionally. He totally agreed. I just tend to get attached when I get real physical with someone. Especially when I have sex, but any of it really. Physical intimacy is a lot more emotional for me than for most people, I think, particularly men. We got pretty physical (no sex!) on Saturday night (which, yes, is faster than I typically like to move!), & it was really great. I felt his kisses in every inch of my body. We were definitely very attracted to each other. What was interesting is it definitely wasn't completely physical. I mean, he's a cutie, but when I first met him, I thought, "ehhhh." He's cute, but he's short (compared to what I usually date), & not typically my type (he looks like Elijah Wood, though, which is a good thing!). But it was his personality that won me over, quickly. We have very similar senses of humor, which is a bit frightening. We got along so well, & laughed a LOT. We were almost instantly comfortable with each other. It was kinda scary.
He responded back with this:
"i totally understand what you are saying. i used to be fairly gung-ho about dating, but this time around it's different for me. my old relationship was years of hard work and heartache, and I don't think I can deal with much more heartache for awhile. Nor do I want to hurt you, I don't want to give you any false impressions or do anything that will upset you. I really think you are cool and like you a lot, and I think we can have a lot of fun together. Beyond that, I just don't know right now, like I said I still have a lot of issues I am dealing with, and I don't want to make things uncomfortable for either of us. So if you are cool taking things a little slow (dating casually for awhile, not being exclusive) than cool. If not, then I respect your decision. Just let me know how you feel. we can slow everything way down, including the intimacy (though it was nice, I hafta admit).
As far as tonight goes, let's just play it by ear, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen (we can always get together maybe this weekend, like Saturday?). All right, talk to you later
p.s. I still like to have fun and goof off...I wouldn't mind going out tonight, it would just have to be very casual. Karaoke kicks ass, and I'd love to do that...maybe at your Holiday Inn? I'm rambling...get back to me soon."
But now I am just confused....my HEAD knows I should take it slow, physically, but my body does NOT want to slow down. My desire for him prevents me from doing that. My head is against my body here. I know he's on the same page, too. We both know it would be smarter to go slowly, but we both feel a lot of desire for each other. I just don't know WHAT to do. I know whenever I am alone with him, I am going to want to be with him. Especially since I have already had a taste of it.
Why do things always have to be so complicated? I really like him, & he honestly seems to like me...but there's that ex floating in his mind. That's risky for both of us. I finally meet someone that I actually feel I could have a good chance with, & he's still got his heart on someone else. *sigh*
There's still Peter....who I did really like, too, but didn't feel as strong as a connection with as I did with Cole. I also plan to meet Jeremy soon. He seems like a pretty cool guy. Cole said just casual dating, no committment right now....so I want to keep my options open. I feel no guy really stands a chance against him, but we shall see.
Dangit. Nothing can be easy in my life, can it?