Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

  • Mood:
Argh. Work was frustrating. A girl I work with was annoying me all day. She's just a bit snotty, & way too young to act like that. My patience level for crap these days is smaller than even usual.

Inhaling the ash has been awful. We perform 4-5 shows a day, serious cardiovascular dancing, & I sing live, so I am inhaling lots of soot. My lungs have been aching the last few days. I have been exhausted by the time work ends. Last night, I got home around 7, & only made it as far as the couch before I passed out. Seriously. I wanted to set the timers to tape some shows, & just thought I would lay on the couch for a few minutes to rest.....& woke up around 7 this morning. I ended up in my bed, but barely remember getting there. And it wasn't just sleepiness, it was honestly like I just dropped out.

I feel soooo badly for the people who are losing their homes. It's awful. Everything they own...gone. Due mostly to arson (well, at least one of the fires was arson). I just cannot imagine that. One of my biggest dreams is to own my own house someday....and I cannot fathom putting my heart, soul, & finances into it & have all my belongings in it...& lose it to a fire. Just terrible.

Got cable & internet back, finally (obviously). It was my own personal Hell...no internet & no TV! I just couldn't pay the bill. Now I just got a notice saying they are going to turn my electricity off. They turned my phone off. My life is going just swell.

Some things are going ok. I really like this guy I am seeing, Jonathan. Although, he's in denial, so we aren't TECHNICALLY "seeing each other" yet. We are "just friends." So this is good & bad. Good, because I think I have finally found a decent match that might possible work out. I have been good friends with Jonathan since the beginning of summer. He was hired onto the stunt team at Knott's, & we just bonded. Our personalities have similar qualities. I am, naturally, more extroverted, but we have quite a bit in common. From the beginning, we had said we would be "play mates," going skating & stuff together, since no one else will ever go with us. He had a mad crush on my friend, Dre, & I tried to set them up. I tried to get her to like him. The 3 of us would hang out together quite a bit, & he & I would usually end up spending more of the time together, cause she would mostly blow him off. She just didn't dig him. But he kept at it. I was never attracted to him. I mean, he's a handsome guy, in a different kind of way. He's definitely cute, & has awesome sparkly eyes. But he's not my usual physical type. I didn't feel anything towards him, romantically or sexually. Until the night we went to Haunt. Well, I don't remember how it started, but somehow, we decided to have a kissing contest between us. He claimed HE was the world's greatest kisser, when in truth, I KNOW *I* am. ;-p We "argued" about it for a while, so I finally said, "Well, maybe you are the world's greatest male kisser, & I am the world's greatest female kisser." He said that, no, he was the best, period. Bah. No one is better than me. So he asked if I wanted to make a wager about that. He said we could have a "kiss off," purely a competition, nothing romantic, on the night we were going to Haunt, in between our day shift & Haunt. That day came & went, & he backed out of the contest (he had backed out of it one or two other times we had set), saying he had a bad cold, & didn't want to get me sick. I said he was just chickening out, cause he KNEW I was better, but he really was sick. So Alicia & I hung out in the stunt team break room with him for a while before we left for dinner. I said, "It's too bad you backed out again, cause this is what I was going to do." I straddled him on the couch, & leaned down & started kissing his neck/ear. Unexpectedly, he started getting turned on....which then turned me on. Suddenly, I felt all this attraction for him, & I had never before. Something clicked. I have no explanation for it. None at all. I am as surprised & confused as anyone. He stopped being able to make eye contact with me. He had long before said that it was going to take a really strong man to date me, because I was so intimidating. He said, "*I* am scared of you!" He kept talking to me while looking anywhere but at me. He would look at Alicia while talking to me! I said, "Can you not make eye contact with me?" And he says, "No, I really can't, not right now." He held my hand the whole time I was sitting on his lap. Eventually, Alicia & I left to go eat, telling Jonathan we'd meet him back there at 7:15. I asked Alicia what she thought of all this....since she's psychic. I reminded her how she said she saw me having a relationship with a guy whose name began with "Jo." She freaked out, cause she HAD said that, like a year ago! She said she thought Jonathan & I would make a good couple, would have lots of fun & be really good for each other. When we got back to Knott's, we met Jonathan & decided to go into Asylum, one of the new mazes. I held onto his arm, & he ended up being more scared than me. He's a scaredy cat. We ended up holding hands almost all night, him taking my hand, which just seemed weird. I had never thought of him this way, & suddenly, holding his hand made me feel all warm. We went on the Kingdom of the Dinosaurs ride, much to my boredom, & he & I snuggled the whole ride. He said at one point, "I am getting really turned on. Seriously. And it took me an hour to calm down after you turned me on earlier tonight." :-) It was really weird...good weird.

But then I started wondering things like, could I compete with Dre? I spoke with her about a week after Haunt, & she said he was still hitting on her when they talked by phone occasionally. He was still saying things like, "Your parents need to meet me, they would love me & think I was perfect for you." I just remember watching, first hand, how hard he went after her....& how he kept telling her she was perfect, gorgeous, etc. Would I be able to have a spot in his mind, after all that?

Well, things are going pretty well. I don't think he's talked to Dre since we started getting closer. Either way, he's not interested in her anymore. He realized that she is a bit moody, & he didn't care for that. We've spent a lot of time together lately. He spent the night last Thursday. We snuggled all night. He loves my bed (he'd never been on a waterbed before). He loves my cats, especially Bella (wants to steal her). Every time we are together, we laugh & laugh & laugh. We tease each other a lot. We're silly. It's great. First, he said we couldn't be physical, couldn't kiss, cause we were "just friends." But then we couldn't keep our hands off each other...literally. We'd kiss & neck...then he'd pull away & say, "we can't do this." And then 2 minutes later, we'd be all over each other again. We could not resist each other. Now, we are fooling around more, but he will still stop things & say "we can't do this." All I have gotten out of him is "I am not ready for something good to happen in my life." Huh? And "This is getting too good, we need to stop this." Apparently, he throws himself 100% into relationships,, & he wants to get his career established right now. He's only been out here since December (he's from Pennslyvania). He doesn't want to be distracted by a relationship, & he's said if we were dating, he's want to spend all his free time with me. He won't have a one night stand with me, because if he's with me, he'd want something a lot more serious. It's frustrating. It's like, he knows how great we'd be as a couple, but he's resisting cause of a "deal" he made with himself....get his life together before involving anyone else in it. I appreciate that....but why can't we be there for each other?

He told me he wasn't ready for something "this good,"....that I am "great," that he's only "a little bit" scared of me now. ;-p He still has problems making eye contact all the time. I think he can see how much I care about him, & it scares him a little....and I think he's afraid *I* will see how much he likes me in his eyes. We certainly have tons of chemistry. He mentioned the other day how much fun he has every time he's with me. Wednesday, we were supposed to have a double date with a guy on his stunt team & a girl who works with me....but my supervisor scheduled a rehearsal that night. So he says, "Can you & I still hang out that night?" I said, "I have rehearsal til 10!" He said, "Can we hang out after 10? I'll come over, we can order pizza & watch a movie." We haven't seen each other since Friday, & I think we are both having withdrawals. He might go see a movie with a bunch of us tomorrow. I keep thinking I will be able to resist him, to say, "Hey, don't touch me there, we are just friends." But I am powerless to resist him when I see him.

He told me he didn't expect me to wait for him. I don't plan to. I am going out with my friend, Jeff, next week, & possibly another guy named Jason, & maybe a guy named Danny. I don't wait. I am not a patient person. But I want him. When I am with the other guys, I am thinking about him. I just won't sit around & wait for my phone to ring.

And then there's Alan, my cruise ship flame. He is getting transferred to a ship that sails out of San Diego. He thinks he will have Saturdays in San Diego, at a hotel, & has asked me to come down & spend Saturday nights with him at his hotel. I truly dig Alan, & would surely have a relationship with him if the geographical situation was different (he lives on a cruise ship, & when not there, he lives in South Africa!). So that's something for me to think about, too. I wouldn't be able to go down there & spend romantic time with Alan if I am in a relationship with Jonathan. So maybe the timing IS wrong. Maybe I should just enjoy the time I spend with Jonathan when I have it....& enjoy time with the other guys when I am with them.

I started therapy 3 weeks ago. I go once a week, on Wednesdays. I really like my psychologist, she's great. She also reminds me a bit of my mother. My dad is paying for it, Lord knows I wouldn't have the money. I told him in September that I was a bit suicidal...not so much willing to take my own life, as much as praying for God to take me. He was not happy to hear that. So I'm in therapy. I hope it helps. I want my life to improve. I want to get better. I am tired of being sad & depressed.

Jonathan is helping that a lot. I said I would never depend on a man for my happiness, but he DOES make me happy. That is not to say that I couldn't be happy without him, that I "depend" on him for this recent happiness, but in a life of abundant depression, it's nice to have someone around who makes me laugh a lot. I am also having lots of laughs lately with my friend, Alicia, & a new girl at work who is AWESOME, Andy (Andrea).

Alicia is actually moving in with me. It's sad that I am losing my "independence," but it will be a HUGE help to me financially. Huge. We will split rent & utilities. The stress of it is that I have to clear everything out of my "computer room," since that will be her bedroom. I have TONS of clothes in that closet, tons of shoes....and no where to put them. We are getting a different computer desk & moving it out to the living room. But I still have plenty of other stuff that I will have to find a place for. *sigh* Even though this change will help me out, financially, it's stressing me out, too. I haven't had luck, in the past, with roommates. But I will look at it positively. Me, Alicia, & Jonathan are actually going to look into finding a 3BD house to rent together. That would be sweet. We definitely need more space. But inexpensive houses to rent in LA are few & far between.

The Harris House chili cook-off was awesome. I had a blast & the cooks were awesome. I have never had so much delicious chili in my life (boy, was *I* gassy later!). It was so great seeing old LJ friends, & making some new ones. :-) I am so glad I got to go.

Anyway....I am really tired & need to get to bed. Just needed to vent. More later.

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    Still no clue what I'm going to do. No clue at all.

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