Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

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Disaster party update.

So I wait allllllll day for Aaron to call or text message me to apologize for last night. Good thing I didn't hold my breath.

I finally text messaged him, & said, "Well....you okay?" (I do love him, & some were afraid he had alcohol poisoning). He texts back, & you would have expected shame...embarrassment....groveling....nope.

He says, "Where the hell did you go last night?"

Oh boy.

He says a couple of people he talked to (I am sure the ex, Amber, & her best friend, Kristen) told him I just took off & left him there. A guy I used to date in security, Ryan, just called me & told me that Aaron was sitting outside the bowling alley after I left, crying, beating his head against the wall, saying, "She left me! She just left me!" Ummmm....right. Cause that's the way it happened.

I went up to a friend who is good friends with Amber & asked her to ask Amber & Kristen if they would be willing to take his drunk ass home. They said it wouldn't be a problem. And then they were telling people I just left him with no ride home! Come on, now! I am hardly an inconsiderate person. After what he did to me, I STILL arranged for him to have a ride home. I should have just left his ass without a second glance back. But I didn't. How dare these bitches say I abandoned him? And gee, I think I had ample right to take off without him. Why couldn't his "girlfriend," the girl he was hanging all over in front of me, give him a ride home? Seems more appropriate to me. His house was way out of my way, & he ended up puking in Kristen's car on the way to her place (they babysat him last night). I am vomit-phobic. I cannot have anything to do with it. If he had puked in MY car....that would have been a very, very bad thing.

So I finally got a half-assed apology out of him. I told him I cried all the way home, barely slept, & was teary all day....no comment. Everyone told me to kick his ass to the curb...I told him I wanted to talk about it. I mean, even if it ends (if...ha!), I like to have things wrapped up in a tidy little bow. I HATE unresolved issues. I need closure.

The I find out he called in sick to work, & one of his supervisors was telling me he was probably going to get written up for that, because supervision knew about the party. So I text Aaron & say, "I hear you called in. Can I come over to talk?" He writes back, "Who told you that?" I write back, "Can I come over?" He responds, "I am not home right now." Wait...you called in sick because your bitch ass is hungover...and then you go out? DUH!

So I tell him it's really important we talk about this...could he meet me somewhere. Nope. I guess wherever he was was really important, since he evidently couldn't drag himself away to talk to me about this important stuff (well, guess it wasn't important to him). So I ask when we CAN talk. He says Wednesday, during the day. Ummm, first of all, he knows I work Wednesday day, & secondly, he wants to wait until WEDNESDAY to talk this out? I wrote him back & said, "You want to wait til Wednesday? I don't think it's good for this to fester." And he says, "Well, I don't know when else. What do you want to talk about? I guess this changes things." WHAT DO I WANT TO TALK ABOUT????? Are you fucking kidding me???? And keep in mind, he comes into work at 5PM, & has nothing to do between about noon & five....he couldn't come to work early tomorrow to talk to me? Sheesh. Now I can see how important all this is to him. How important *I* am to him. And you guess this changes things? Did you figure that out all by yourself, or did your mommy help you? Yesterday, we were talking about how do you really know you are IN love with someone, or that you just love them or care for them deeply? He started jokingly saying, "I love you so much.....I think." Ha-ha. Funny joke. So I wrote him back said, "well, I guess we found out whether or not you really loved me or just thought you did. I guess something good came out of this." He wrote back, "What the fuck does that mean? Whatever." Wow. Mature. What do I want to talk about? Boy, oh boy. So I wrote back & said, "Never mind. Forget it. And yes, this definitely changes things." He wrote back & said, "What's going on?" And I never responded. That's enough for me. I was naive enough to expect major groveling. Major apologies. Ass kissing. He is always telling me how important I am to him, how I am the lifeboat that keeps him going, how much he loves me, etc. Sweet as can be. And then he does what he does last night, & not only is not really apologetic, but turns around & is mad at me for leaving him??????? Holy smokes.

And now he just text messaged me saying he knew who told me he called in, & asking what else did I ask Haywood about him? Dear, I have better things to do then talk about the boy who humiliated me in front of my friends with one of his supervisors. And I told him that. Then he writes back, "Why are you talking to him about me? Are you trying to find something out?" I tell him he sounds guilty...what is there for me to find out? I don't give a shit.....& I certainly wasn't aware that there WAS anything to "find out." He writes back & says, "Look, I said I is sorry...what more can I do?" I don't know how to answer that. For one thing, he has to ACT contrite, not just SAY he is. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. I haven't yet detected that he is TRULY sorry. He's just going through the motions, saying what he knows I want to hear. There hasn't been one ounce of sincerity so far....and certainly no groveling.

And it makes me madder than hell that people are saying I just left him. What a shitty friend that makes me sound like. No, I was just the girl who went through hella trouble to plan that party, buy a cake I didn't have money for, organize everything, love him, trust him....just to have him hang & drool all over his ex right in front of me. That's me. SUCKER. I can't believe I arranged for him to have a ride home with his ex & best friend...and then they told everyone I just bailed on him. Ugh.

I just don't even know what to do at this point. It's over, that's for sure. He still seems to not be getting it. He doesn't seem to understand why *I* am so angry, & instead, seems angry himself (I am sure that's coming out of humiliation, & heck yeah, he damn sure should feel humiliated). He still seems to think that while this changes things, we are still a couple? I don't know what he thinks. I give up. I cannot begin to explain or pardon his behavior. The audacity of him feeling angry....I couldn't even get near him with Amber all over him, & vice versa. I couldn't get near him to check on him. Literally. What the hell was I supposed to do? And then they told everyone they had to go back for his bag, because no one knew I had left it there for him. Funny. Funny, cause 10 people commented on my dropping the bag at his feet, including them telling HIM his bag was there, & Amber was sitting on top of him. Funny how they managed to not noticed the bag. Funny how *I* am the bad guy here.

I have a SUPER hard time letting my guard down. I don't want to get hurt, so I keep my walls up. I let them down for Aaron. I let him in. He promised me he would never hurt me. Now, while I know that is an impossible promise, cause shit happens, I still believed he wouldn't hurt me on purpose, & this sure felt like on purpose to me. At the least, it was very preventable.

Now I don't want to ever let my walls down again. Look what happens? I get hurt. You could say, "Well, don't let your walls down to the wrong people".....but how do you know it's the wrong person? Love is always a gamble, a risk. I'm just not willing to take that risk anymore....for how long, who knows. My emotional state cannot handle this.

It's 7pm & I am going to bed. My life sucks. I cannot pay my car insurance (extremely risky in So. Cal). I am $300 in the negatives in my account. My dad is coming out this week to chew me a new asshole. Now this drama with a guy I loved. I cannot think of one positive thing in my life right now. Well, the love of friends...but I'm just not sure that's enough right now.

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