Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

So tired.....

It's tough being a new mom!

I haven't slept a solid night's sleep since I got Toby, my new dog. He likes to snuggle....but so does Duncan, so they are kinda competing for me. If Toby & I sleep in the living room, Duncan will be okay & come out & sleep by my head, with Toby by my legs. But if I try to sleep with Toby in "Duncan's" room (my bedroom), Duncan freaks out & meows & hisses if Toby gets near him. <> I imagine Duncan will eventually accept Toby a little better, when he realizes this is a permanent situation. But right now, it's tough on me. I value my sleep, & get sick when I don't get enough....and even when they are behaving, I think my sub-conscious mind is STILL worrying about them, so I just haven't been sleeping well. And then I had rehearsals this week & got up really early for rehearsal Sat. morning (after being up late at rehearsal the previous night), so....I am just WORN out. Plus...geez....Toby just wants to run full out when I take him for walks. And I am just not in the shape for that. I will be soon, I imagine, if he keeps this up. He is around 10, so you just wouldn't think he'd have that kind of high energy (he is not bad indoors). But he pulls me...no kidding....as fast as I can run. It must look pretty funny. I am going to have to get a harness & a longer lease, because he is running faster than I can, I feel like I am choking him. I gotta go feed him soon. It's so cute, cause when he knows he's about to eat, he jumps on his hind legs, all excited. He's such a cutie. When I get home from work, he is right at the side gate, & the second I step out of the car, he starts wagging that tail & whining & whimpering. Such a cutie! And a lovey little snuggler!

That building that collasped in Isreal (I think).....heartbreaking. I watched the footage on the news, & it was just scary as Hell. Imagine, being at a wedding reception, celebrating something that wonderful.....and 350 people fall 3 stories through a floor (that was illegal & dangerous). I don't know the exact number that died, but it's just horrible. The footage.....plain scary. Even scarier? My friend, Roni, was literally across the street at another wedding celebration. She could have been in that building. She said they were all okay, & didn't even realize what had happened until they heard the emergency vehicles. Can you imagine that, too? Celebrating a wedding, then walking outside & seeing others touched by that tragedy? It's not like you would be able to just shake it off & walk back inside & continue your party. Roni was pretty shaken by what she saw. Can't blame her....but sure glad she's okay.

My friend, Jenny, is throwing a party this Sunday night. It's not really a party, it's a get-together. Her parent's are going to be out of town. So she decided to have our work group over to her house. I had planned to go...until yesterday. One girl started talking about the alcohol she wanted....and she's underage. I am against drinking, but I am REALLY against underage drinking. And I am really, REALLY against adults being so irresponsible as to buy liquor for people who are underage. So, I don't know why I didn't think of that before, that they would be drinking....but maybe it's because I am always throwing "gatherings" at my place & no drugs or alcohol are allowed. So I say, "Are you guys going to get drunk?" And there was a silence, & the look on her face...I knew that was exactly what was going to happen. So I caught Jenny outside & asked her, "Are people going to be getting drunk & stoned?" And she said, "Who told you?" And I said, "Told me what?" That's when she told me that my friend Amy was planning on bringing pot to the party. Now, I confronted Amy about it, & she said that Ambo, Mary, & Elizabeth had ASKED her to bring it...while Ambo says Amy offered to....doesn't really matter. I flat out would not go to this party if weed is going to be smoked. They have the "right" to do anything they want...but I have the right to choose not to be around it. I cannot control what goes on at Ambo's house, cause that's up to her. But I talked to her for a while about it, telling her if everyone wanted to get drunk & stoned, that was "fine," who was I to stand in the way of such "fun," but I would not be going to the party. She said she'd rather have me there than have people smoke pot. I told her I didn't want to be a "party pooper," & that honestly, I would be just as content to hang out at home with my dog & the internet. Honestly. I wouldn't feel "left out," I wouldn't resent anyone, I wouldn't be mad at anyone...I would just stay home, & be fine with that. And it's the truth. I love to socialize with people....but I am also quite content to stay home alone. Sad maybe, but true. So she talked to Mary, & Mary said she was fine with not having pot there. Amy said she was asked to bring it, but since she can smoke it any time, she was fine with not doing it this particular night. But I asked her what I should do, go or not go, & she said, "Well, they want to get stoned & drunk. That's what they want to do. If you take away all that "fun" for them, they are going to get pissed." As pathetic as I think that is, that people couldn't have fun without that crap (& I know they can, since they do at my house, & keep coming back), she is probably right. I don't want anyone calling me a "party poop" behind my back. I don't want to feel guilty. I can have a get together at my house soon, without this issue.
So it's really no biggie. Ambo lives kinda far, too, so I wasn't looking forward to that drive anyway. So the pot is pretty much a non-issue, cause Ambo is saying she really doesn't want it there now, cause her neighbors are really tight with her parents, & if they smell pot in the back yard, they will tell her parents. But the drinking is still an issue. I DO mind them drinking at ALL, but I could deal with them having a few drinks. But if they tell me they won't get hammered, & I drive all that way, & they DO get hammered....I will get in my car & drive home, & be royally pissed. They know I am uncomfortable around excessive drinking, so I would see it as disrespectful of me. Especially since I am asking them upfront. I have been very cool & rational & calm about it, saying, "Hey, guys, honestly, I am cool with staying home. So if you want to get drunk & stoned, honestly, go ahead, I just won't come. And I swear I won't be mad or resent anyone, or feel left out." They keep insisting they really want me to come....but instintively, I am thinking I shouldn't go....so I just really don't know.

I wish this wasn't an issue. I wish people didn't feel the need to have weed to have a good, relaxed time. Why is this? Why do so many people feel they need to be stoned or drunk or trippin' or whatever in order to have a good time, in order to relax, in order to get past a hard time, etc....???? I will NEVER understand this. Never. I go through as much shit as the next person, sometimes more, & never feel the need to escape from reality to "deal." I have more fun than anyone else I know, & always do so sober. If I am capable of that, anyone is!!!! I am no better or stronger than anyone else!

I often get irritated with God for making me so different. It's so uncommon to meet someone like me, someone who doesn't need drugs or alcohol or tobacco. I often feel like an alien in today's times. I feel like I don't fit in. Why was I made this way? Why was I made to think the way I do? Cause I don't fit in very well with today's "anything goes" mind-set. It bothers me sometimes. Sometimes I am really, really proud. Othertimes, I just wish I fit in. Sometimes it really sucks to be different.

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