Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,
Pollyanna
alicenwndrln

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A long one, so you should probably skip....

People annoy me.

Even some people that I consider to be my "friends" annoy me. I hate having to sit & evaluate whether I want to keep considering someone a friend, or if I should discard them from my life like a candy wrapper.

When you are obviously irritated about something, sarcasm from a "friend" is probably not appreciated.

When you are obviously irritated about something, having a friend side with a twit in a snippy way probably isn't appreciated either. Pointing out some suspected hyprocrisy in a gentle, friendly way is okay....doing it in an in-your-face way is not.

There are a few people on the net that just drive me nuts. I shouldn't say that, cause honestly, I don't give them that much energy. They drive me nuts when I read their responses, & then when I move on to something else, I tend to forget about it. Why do we tend to give so much energy to people we really don't even know that well? Why do I, in particular, tend to give too much energy to people I don't even like? I think that comes back to an annoying quality of mine....I care too much about what other people think. A childhood goal of mine was to be friends with everyone in the world. The painful adult reality is that that goal isn't nearly possible. Not even close. Even when you are a nice, good person, you can still rub some people the wrong way. I accept that.

I am a bit bummed about a few things. The person who annoys me the most---but always in an entertaining way---we used to be "friends." We used to get along really well. But we had a tiff---due to her overreacting (even her own sister told her she did) about something---and she was so nasty, even though she apologized (in her not really sorry way), I chose not to accept the apology. That was a hard decision for me, because I don't typically hold grudges. I never forget, but I am usually easy to forgive. But I just noticed a general pattern of her not being such a nice person...which she would probably agree to happily. THAT's the kind of human being who scares me....someone who ENJOYS being a bitch. Someone who, when you tell them they are nasty or a bitch or an asshole, etc., they say, "Damn straight! And proud of it!" And they aren't kidding! They are proud to be nasty people! They are proud to not give two shits about the feelings of others. That saddens me. It saddens me when people don't care about the feelings of others. That's a very selfish way to behave. It saddens me when someone is pleased to be called/be a bitch.
But hey...I guess if that works for them....anyway, I am always bummed when a friendship sours. I would MUCH prefer to be friendly with someone than be enemies. It is very much NOT in my nature to be nasty to people. On the rare occasions that I am nasty to someone, you know they have truly pushed my buttons. I will take crap & take crap & take crap until I can't take anymore crap. So it always bums me out to be nasty to people....it's just not in my "Pollyanna" nature. I dislike confrontation, dislike negativity, dislike nastiness. But I WILL defend myself when necessary, & sometimes, my claws will come out.
I am never happy about it or proud of it. I never sit here & think, "Woo-hoo, I think I really hurt her feelings with that one! Yippee!" Sadly....some people DO think that way....and what a shame for humanity THAT is.

And another....there is someone I go back & forth with. Normally, I like her & we get along, but sometimes she can be nasty, too. It's not that often...but when she is, it hurts. Cause this one, I actually like. I wonder if she's aware that she's hurtful, in her tone, sometimes? Sometimes her manner can be brash...and that's not good.

I once had a friend tell me I was too negative & always brought her down. I find that odd. I try to be positive, most of the time. Anyone reading my journal (who doesn't know me well personally) may be surprised by that. But I use my journal for venting, so this is where any negativity that I DO have is going to come out. I have passionate opinions...not all of them are nice. But if you cannot be truthful in your journal...where CAN you be truthful???

Like Tina says, if you don't like something, you don't have to read it (of course, you might not know you don't like it til halfway through!).
If you don't like me, you don't have to be my friend. I LOVE making friends, keeping them is even better. But I don't beg for anyone's friendship, because truly, I don't need it. I mean, yes, it's always nice to have friends you can lean on....but I could live on a desert island & be okay. Lonely at points, yes. But I would survive. I try not to depend on anyone....because the reality is that people can let you down. I have had my heart broken enough to be cautious. I can't ever give too much of myself...for fear of having it thrown back in my face.

It's always most painful when someone you care about says hurtful things....and for someone like me, it's bad enough when someone you DON'T like says hurtful things. I am a sensitive soul. :-)

Lots more

Next....I think I need to see a doctor & have some serious tests done. I seriously wonder if I don't have something going on in my head, like a tumor or something. No, I am not projecting, it's just what I feel. I have been having so many awful headaches lately, weird episodes of vertigo, etc. I was describing all my symptoms to my friend, Alicia, & she said that everything sounded like what her mother went through during menopause. It's rare, but it IS possible for a 30 year old to go through it...and I have been on the Pill since I was 17. Regardless, menopause or no menopause, it IS possible that I have something going on, hormonally. I just hesitate to go to the doctor, cause not only do I now have to pay $40 per visit under this new insurance, but I would probably have to pay out-of-pocket for whatever tests he wants to run....and medical tests are NEVER cheap.

Another thing bothering me is this situation with my sister. I have basically, for at least the time being, disowned her. Someone said something about my sister yesterday, & I said, "My who? I don't have a sister." She's made me REALLY mad this time. In our last exchange, she had to NERVE to tell me what she chooses to do with her money is none of my business...when what started this fight was because she tried to get into MY financial business. So apparently, to her, it's okay to give me grief about my money practices, but I'd better not DARE talk to her about her money expenditures! Sheesh! What a hypocrite! And I told her exactly that. I also told her to not contact me anymore, unless it's something truly important, such as a death in the family, etc. (the family always calls her first). So far, I haven't heard back, so at least she appears to have grasped that I am serious. We got in a huge fight like this 2 years ago at this time, & made up in time for the cruise. I can't predict what will happen at this time. If we have not made up by June, I will ask my 18 year old cousin to room with me, & Kathy can room with our grandmother. I think Katie would be fine with that, she thinks I am really cool. MD would NOT be happy about this, at ALL, but frankly, there's nothing I can do about it. Kathy likes to be stupid & cross the line with me....and she must suffer the consequences of her actions. I told her NEVER to talk to me about financial matters, ever again...since EVERY time it comes up, it causes tension between us. And yet, even knowing that, she brought it up AGAIN. I don't need that negativity. I have enough negativity without dealing with unnecessary crap from her. My mother is probably rolling in her grave....but at the same time, I know she'd side with me on this. It pains me though...because I do love my sister, & we've been getting closer & closer since my mother's death. As recently as this Xmas, we had a GREAT time together, & laughed a lot. Now look what she's done.
It just kills me, but I am trying not to dwell on it.

I have a horrible headache right now...and I've already taken Motrin (& I don't like to take anything).

I got a lot done today. At least 5 loads of laundry. It's about time. I will have clean sheets on my bed! :-) I did sheets, towels, some clothes...and tomorrow, I will have about 4-5 more loads.

I ordered something online on my pregnant friend's baby registry...and the company sent the package to ME instead of to HER. Brilliant. Now on top of paying shipping to them, I will have to pay shipping to mail it to her. How lame.

My friend, Susan, just had twins. Apparently, she almost died in childbirth. She has asked me to come help her if I am available on Tues/Thurs. Of course I will help her if I am not doing anything, but the thought scares me to death. She mentioned mainly wanting some company (hubby works), but also holding one baby while she feeds the other. I am not good with babies. I think I will be worried about dropping it or doing something wrong...and when they start crying, I get really nervous.

I was just watching "Fear Factor," & was shocked to hear a grown woman admit she didn't know how to swim. Two things I think any wise adult would know how to do....drive & swim. There just might be a need for each at some point in your life. I guess I can understand not having a driver's license some place where you don't need to drive, such as NYC or something....but I know my friend Amy constantly bumming rides gets on my nerves. And I can't imagine having to take public transportation all the time, as my only option. But not knowing how to swim? That's just crazy...and I think a parent is negligent for not teaching a child the basics of swimming. My grandmother never learned to swim...and I just think that's crazy!

All kinds of issues with Eric. Does someone who really cares about you (or should be starting to care for you) keep forgetting you? I think it was Thursday night that I called him to see if I left my video camera instructions at his place. I couldn't find them, & that's where I had taken them out. He told me he was 5 minutes from his apartment, & would call me when he got there. 5 minutes. Well, it became midnight (the call was probably 8PMish), & still no call, so I went to sleep, with the phone next to me. Never rang. I finally called him the next morning, on my way to a lunch date, & asked if he was okay. He said of course he was, why? I reminded him how he was supposed to call me when he got home last night, about my instructions.
He forgot. Just forgot. 5 minutes from home, & he forgot? How is that possible? So later that day, we chatted online quite a bit. He told me it would really turn him on if I...um...masturbated in front of him. I am really not that comfortable with that...but open-minded enough to be willing to try it. After all, I always like it when guys do that in front of me, so I'd be a hypocrite if I refused to even try it. And I am really liking Eric. So I tell him I will try it, & we decide he will come over on Sunday night, on his way home from his parent's (he goes to his parent's house every weekend, mainly to go to church on Sundays). He had plans to see "Queen of the Damned" (had the plans for months) on Friday night with a group of friends, would be at his parent's Sat. night, so Sunday was the first time we'd be able to get together. He agreed to come over Sunday night on his way home, & would call me on his way. He never called. I didn't want to call him, because I am trying to avoid being "clingy"...which his last girlfriend was & he hates. So I waited. These were solid plans...not "We'll see" or "I'll call you & we'll set plans." This morning, I didn't see him online, so I emailed him, & casually asked what happened last night. He emailed me back later in the day, saying he was busy working on his parent's computer until midnight, & then drove home, exhausted, & didn't even think about me or calling me or the fact that we had had plans. Huh? Didn't remember? Considering what he asked me to do, & what I agreed to do, I would think he would remember that. But even if we'd had plans to shine our shoes, he should have remembered. Not only was I basically stood up, not only did he not even call....he totally forgot the whole thing. That is painfully insulting. And all I got was a blase, "sorry." Sheesh. That tells me that he doesn't think about me at all. Heck, I'd be ticked if a mere friend did this to me. He said he'd come over some night this week to install my CD changer in my truck & my new hard drive, and I will let him do that. But I will not initiate anything physical with him, or be affection, like I always am when I see him. Whenever he's on the pc, I sit on his lap, kiss his cheek, his neck, his ear, etc. Not this time. I am just going to sit or stand next to him, & keep my hands off him. I should probably come clean & talk to him about this. If he's smart (& he is) he will wonder what's wrong with me. I mean, I should wait for him to ask, rather than throwing it at him the moment he walks in the door. I think it will probably culminate with us deciding to end things (we didn't have a committment...what exactly are we ending?). Stop dating. I don't think he's ready. His last serious relationship ended about 6 months ago, & it was 2.5 years long. That's not a lot of time to get over things. Myself, it's been about 4.5 years, so I am pretty ready. As ready as I can be, anyway. And I don't like the dating game, so I'd rather settle down with one person & make a commitment (not talking marriage) than date a bunch of different people & go through this uncertainty crap. I can't imagine he would react well to this conversation...I think he would find it too "clingy." But to me, it doesn't have anything to do with us dating. It's a matter of respect. If I had plans with Alicia last night, & she never showed & never called, I would be ticked with her, too. I detest flakiness. From anyone. So it wouldn't be coming from a "we're dating & we had plans" standpoint as much as from a "we're friends & we made plans" standpoint. But will he hear it that way? And then there's the issue of Shelly. Shelly is one of his best "friends." But my gut tells me something else is going on. Now, my gut has been wrong, but still. Here's why I think the way I do...I might have written about this already, but it's good for me to think it through again, anyway...Tuesday night, we watched "Glory Days" at his apartment. There was this young couple who like each other. The boy admits he likes the girl, but she's in denial (but she does like him, too). They have this flirtacious teasing between them due to their sexual tension. Eric turns to me & says, "That's the way Shelly & I are...we are always teasing each other like that." Ummm...okay. Possibly harmless enough. Then we sit & play on his pc for a while. While we are on the pc, his phone rings. He looks at the caller ID, sees that it's Shelly, & doesn't answer it. I ask him why he didn't answer the phone, & he says, "I think it's rude to answer the phone when you have company." HUH? According to my gut, he didn't answer the phone because he didn't want me to hear him having a conversation with Shelly, & didn't want Shelly to know I was over there. What other possible reason could he have for not answering the phone? His excuse doesn't wash, because he has answered the phone many times in my presence. Yes, he usually looks at the caller ID & then answers it...and that makes it all the more suspicious to me. So anyway, I tell him it's not rude to answer the phone when you have company, & to feel free to answer his phone next time it rings. A little while later, Shelly calls again. This time he answers the phone. Almost immediately he goes into his room (where the light is off), lays on the bed, & speaks in hushed tones....for FIFTEEN MINUTES! Now, I meant what I said...your life doesn't come to a stop because you have company, if the phone rings, answer it. But when you DO have company, it IS rude to stay on the phone longer than about 5 minutes, & leave your friend sitting around doing nothing, IF it's NOT something important (if a friend is crying, needs you, etc., obviously that is different). It wasn't anything important, because I heard him laughing a lot. In my mind, you do NOT take a call into another room unless you do not want to be overheard by the person in the room. That is being secretive...and if she's JUST a friend, WHY be so secretive? Why speak in hushed tones? Why take the call into the other room? Why talk to her for 15 minutes while you have company, unless you are afraid to tell the person on the phone, "Can I call you back, I have company," for fear that person will ask who that company is. He probably would have had a lot of explaining to do, because I am sure Shelly knows nothing of me. I don't think he's told anyone we were dating. Is he required to tell friends when he is dating someone casually? No, but it tends to come up. If he had told Shelly at the beginning of the phone call that he'd have to call her back cause he had a friend over, that would have been the end of that. But he continued to talk to her for 15 minutes...I never heard him mention having a friend over...but what do I know....he was speaking so hushed, I probably wouldn't have heard it if he HAD said it. When he finally emerged from his room, he didn't apologize or anything...he just sat on the couch & said, "That's exactly why I didn't want to take a call from Shelly," & made the hand gestures that she was a blabbermouth. Damnit, I should have mentioned something at that time...but honestly, I think I was a little taken aback. We don't have a commitment, so yes, he can see whomever he likes, as many women as he likes....it's the secrecy I don't appreciate. It's one thing to just not mention another person you are dating....it's another to have something like this happen, & be less than honest. My gut tells me that Shelly isn't just a friend. He mentioned spending Valentine's night with a girl friend who recently broke up with a boyfriend & didn't want to be alone....and I suspect this was Shelly. If I were to blindly try to put things together...I would suggest that Shelly is a friend, & she was dating someone. Now she's single, & he's always been interested, & they are getting closer. He is keeping his options open with me, just in case, & he does have fun with me. This could also be the reason he doesn't want to have sex with me. He could be having sex with Shelly (or someone else) & is too nice a guy to fuck too women at once....so he just makes out with me. And maybe that doesn't feel like he's cheating on Shelly. But for a man who on our first date mentioned how important sex was to him to go a month without having it, when the girl is ready & willing, seems a bit odd to me. Could he just be a truly nice, patient guy wanting to do the right thing (not have sex until there are some serious feelings)? Sure he could. But that's not what my gut is telling me. Could my gut be 100% wrong? Absolutely, I admit it. But something is just striking me as fishy. And after a month (seeing each other 2-3 times a week, usually) he ought to know by now if he wants this to proceed or not. Now...things in his favor. He told me today that other than tonight (because of volleyball), he's free every night this week. That doesn't sound like someone seeing someone else (of course, she could be out of town!). And also, when we ARE together (physically), he's awfully tender for someone who is only looking at this as a purely physical thing.

So basically....I just don't know what to do or think. I want to be distant when I see him...but I am so attracted to him & care about him so much (already) that I want to be close to him when he's around. I genuinely like him. But I think I should put my mental/heart barrier back up. I think this isn't going to work out. That's NOT what I WANT, but it's what I feel is happening. I don't feel a lot of hope. I just don't know how to handle things at this point. I don't know if I should have an honest discussion with him, & if whatever I say scares him off, then it wasn't meant to be anyway. Or if I should just let him come over to do this stuff he wants to do (he WANTS to install that stuff), remain physically distant, & then keep my distance for a while, & see how he reacts to that. I hadn't spoken to him since Friday (& that was on the net), & I honestly feel that if I hadn't emailed him today, I would still have not heard from him. He came online while I was on, & didn't IM me (usual for him). So I don't know what's going on. Perhaps I should just play it by ear...have him come over, keep my distance, see what happens. Then not call him anymore, & see where he takes things. In the meantime, I will continue meeting other men. Tomorrow, I am meeting my ex, Robert, for lunch, & there's always been amazing chemistry between us (we never had a problem physically). Wednesday, I am meeting another guy from the net. And there's still a few others from Hot or Not who want to meet me. I don't see the point in sitting around moping, if I get a good offer. I truly like Eric, & think we might have had potential, but I guess he doesn't feel the same. A shame...but that's life.

"Third Watch"....what assholes. Just watched tonight's episode, & it ended in a cliffhanger. Coby Bell's character got shot...and just collapsed, apparently near death...and that was the end of the episode. I HATE it when they do stuff like that...cause you have to wait a full week to see what happens. Bastards. ;-�

Anyway....I guess that's it for now. If anyone has advice on how to handle the Eric situation (if anyone is still reading at this point!), I'm all ears.
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