Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

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My head hurts.....I am having some serious health issue. But it's entirely possible that it's mostly stress related. But I dunno. I need to go to the doctor, I am just worried about how much it will cost me. I think I should definitely see an opthamologist, because I have been having some serious problems with my eyes. That's nothing to fool around with. I need new contacts anyway.

Saw my friend, Aimee, get married yesterday. It was a breathtaking wedding. I disagree with spending $40K on something that will last 4-5 hours, but it was undeniably gorgeous. I even cried, & I don't usually get emotional at weddings (as if I have been to that many). It was held in this lovely place in Fallbrook, CA, called Grand Tradition. I think it's primarily used for weddings...but the website says it specializes in "special events." Grand Tradition . It's truly a beautiful location. It was a long walk to the ceremony site, down this long cobblestone walkway (the wedding party has to come down the same long, downhill path during the procession). It was right next to a small lake, complete with live swans. There was a gazebo set up for the ceremony. We were escorted to our seats (the ladies, anyway), & shortly after, the music started for the procession. I believe it was "Greensleeves," or something like that. The groom came down with his best man (his brother), the mother of the bride (maybe the grandmother of the bride, I can't remember), & then the bridesmaids, Erin (my best friend), J.J., Jill, Kristin (all girls I met at the bachlorette party, & I already knew Erin & Kristin, from Knott's), & then the maid of honor, Aimee's sister, Allie. All the girls looked stunningly beautiful. They had a profession make-up artist & hair stylist. They all had their hair done with the same basic style, with lots of sparkly glitter. Then, from around the corner of the main building, came a horse drawn carriage, carrying the bride & her father. Two gorgeous white horses & a beautiful carriage. That's when I started crying, because to me, that's every little girls dream. It was so beautiful. When they reached the end of the aisle, the "here comes the bride" music started, & we all stood. The minister was great, & beyond a short prayer, it was basically non-denominational & non-religious. Allie sang "My Valentine," & it was absolutely beautiful. I don't know how she did it, because I can't sing when I am emotional. All the bridesmaids were crying. Erin's mom (who I rode down with) was bawling. I sat with Jeff & Rachel Tucker. Jeff works with me at Knott's, Rachel is his bisexual wife. They are way cool, & I appreciated them being there, since I felt like a fish out of water, not knowing many people. Anyway, it was a beautiful ceremony, & I had honestly never seen Aimee more beautiful. She was glowing, & this was something she had wanted for years, more than anything. She's a pretty girl, but she just looked gorgeous. Her dress was lovely, with a pretty veil & a beautiful tiara, & her hair was perfect. I was a bit sad during the ceremony, for a few different reasons. For one thing, I thought how different it would be when I get married, without having my mother there. Mothers are a big part of weddings, & I won't have mine. Erin's mom, Heidi, said she'd be my mom at my wedding. :-) At least I still have my dad to walk me down the aisle...that's if HE is still alive by the time I find someone to marry me! And that's the other reason I was sad...things had just ended with Eric...and I found myself wondering...will there ever be someone out there for me? Will anyone ever truly love me? Will I ever meet someone who makes me happy? Will anyone ever love me unconditionally? Those of you who have someone, consider yourself blessed. Anyway, after the ceremony, Aimee & Matt rode off together in the carriage, & we all went inside to have snacks & beverages until the bride & groom showed up. They had a million pictures to take. Jeff, Rachel, & myself went to ride in the carriage, after they were done using it for pictures. It was a nice little ride. Shawn (Erin's fiance) came to hang out with me (we used to date), since Erin was busy taking pictures. We took lots of pictures (the bride & groom left a throw away camera on each table, for guests to use & leave for them...what a great idea!), & after the wedding party was announced (& descended a staircase), we had a lovely dinner. We danced a bit, & then I started not feeling very well. I was ready to leave, but had to wait until Heidi was ready to leave. At one point, I was dancing with Seth (Erin's younger brother) & Lindsay (Erin & Aimee's friend from high school, whom I met at the bachlorette party), & Seth said something really mean to me. He said, "You drive me fucking nuts," & he really didn't say it in a joking manner. He's 19. I understand. I told Shawn & Erin, & Erin told her mom. Finally, Heidi came over & was ready to go, & said she'd just leave & the rest of us could come home together in Shawn's car, but I told Heidi I was ready to leave & would ride home with her. As I was walking by Seth, he says, "Stay away from me," again, not really seeming to be joking. So later, when I passed him again, I stepped way back & gestured for him to pass, saying, "Here, let me give you a wide berth, I wouldn't want to get too close." In the car home, Heidi says, "Did Seth hurt your feelings?" I told her that he did, but I'm a big girl, I'll get over it. She apologized for him, & told me that he's going through a tough time right now. He wants to have someone, but has never had a girlfriend (& is almost 20). He's also on Acutane, which causes depression. He also is dealing with Heidi starting to date again, & it's tough for him. I said I understood, & to please not say anything to him, just let it go. I explained that I was just overly sensitive because of the stuff with Eric going on right now. Heidi & I had a great talk on the long drive home. She's a feisty woman, sometimes can be really irritable, but she's something to admire. She is extremely successful in business. She holds a high position, something like regional manager, for a top escrow business, & all her co-workers are male. She bought their home, which is a huge home in a ritzy, gated community in Tustin....expensively decorated. She's successful & independent, she doesn't need a man. She kinda wants to date now, but she doesn't NEED a man for anything. That is the way I want to be someday. And she tells it like it is....I love that.

I'm watching "Friends".....Jennifer Aniston reminds me SO much of my friend, Susan. Their mannerisms are the exact same. It's freaky to watch Jennifer, cause I feel like I am watching Susan. How sad...I just watched Thursday's episode....Joey told Rachel that he was in love with her, & she told him she didn't feel the same...and they both cried. It's always sad when you like someone more than they like you...

Which brings me to an issue I will talk about
I don't recall all that I have said to this point, so I will just start babbling.

Things are definitely over. Well, not completely, to hear him talk. He stills wants to be friends & "hang out." In fact, he's already asked if we could have dinner Thursday night.

I had been getting the gut feeling that he was no longer interested in romance with me for like, the last two weeks. But my heart chose to ignore my gut. Big mistake. I saw the writing on the wall....and willingly chose to ignore it. Stupid me. Someday, my mind will be more powerful than my heart...unfortunately, I have a big heart.

It didn't help when, after he left Wednesday night, I did something sneaky. First of all, after he was done with the pc, I said, "If you need to get going, I understand. Thank you very much." And he said, "No, I don't have to go, I can stay a while." Walking in that night, he stopped in the doorway & kissed me on the neck. He knows that is an erogenous zone for me. He could have just walked in & said hi, or hugged me or whatever. Anyway, I mentioned my shoulders being sore, & he offered to give me a massage. I then gave him one. He started to fall asleep, so after we laid down for a little while, I woke him up & said, "We either need to go lay down on my bed, or you need to go home." He said he would go home, because I had to get up & leave by 5:45AM, & he didn't want to get up that early. After he left, I went online & found his live journal. It hurt me deeply to read it. While some would say that is what I "deserve" for reading it, I am glad I read it. It proved a lot of things to me, & made me no longer able to ignore the truth. Also, I remind you that an online journal is public.....it's not like I went through his bedroom, found a paper journal, & read it. Anyway.....from the day we met forward, there was not ONE mention of me. Not by name, & not even in reference. The entry the day after we met...not a mention. Not one single word or reference. And there WAS mention of another girl. Apparently, about 2 weeks ago or so, he met a girl in person that he had met online. Apparently, they had really hit it off over email & the phone...and then he met her in person & she basically told him she didn't feel any chemistry, & just wanted to be friends. That was just about 2 weeks ago (we have been dating for a month). I also strongly suspect his feelings go deeper than JUST friends with his friend, Shelly...but who knows? Again....reading this journal was an eye-opener for me....maybe I shouldn't have read it, but I am glad I did. I found out stuff I never would have found out from him. Yes, it hurt...but it was a good thing. And with his computer skills, I'd be really surprised if he hadn't read mine, & that's what scared him.

Saturday, he was going to put my CD changer in my truck for me, saving me $75 (what Best Buy would have charged). God bless him. We had plans for me to drop my car off at his parent's house before work, & he would take me to work, & pick me up again after work. Then we would have dinner together, my treat. There was a possibility that his brother, Robert, might come with us, because he had wanted to hang out with Eric since their parent's might be out of town. I definitely hoped to get some alone time with Eric, so I could talk to him. Friday night was Aimee's bachelorette party, so we were out late at the strip club (a whole different post...ick). I didn't want to drive home at 2AM, so I slept over at Erin's. I got up early to be at Eric's house in Cerritos by 10AM, so I could make it to work on time. As I was driving there, he calls me & tells me that he has a meeting at church that he wasn't aware of (they are EXTREMELY involved in their church...Eric's grandfather is even a deacon there), from 9:30-10:30. He told me to go on to work, & come over to his parent's house after work, & he & his dad would install the CD changer together. On top of that, his parents wanted to take him to a belated b'day dinner, but I was welcome to come along. I told him that we could just reschedule, that way, he could do the installation in daylight hours (I wasn't in any true hurry), & the dinner should just be him & his family. He insisted I come over after work, & go to dinner with them. I must have offered at least 5 times to reschedule, & that I totally understood it should be a family b'day dinner. He told me to stop being silly, & just come over, that he wanted me to come to dinner with them. So now, irritated, I am an hour early for work....and resigned myself to dealing with his family that night.
So I make it through work, & head over to his house. He was getting an oil change, so when I first got there, he wasn't there yet, but his mother invited me into the house. I had met them once before. I said to her, "Eric invited me along to dinner tonight, but honestly, you will not hurt my feelings if you'd rather it be a family-only thing." She insisted she didn't mind at all, that with 3 kids, there are used to people tagging along. Eric got there, & was surprised to find me in the house (he passed my car?). His dad set up a flood light, & they got busy on the CD changer. It was a lot more complicated than they expected it to be, therefore, it took them longer than any of us thought. They did a great job though, & I started joking around with his dad & brother. Robert & I started singing together, & joked that we were taking our "act" on the road. Eric said, "Great...can you leave now?" :-) His dad is really cool & funny, I liked him a lot. Eric got a call while they were installing the changer, & told the person he'd call them back in 20 minutes. And hour or so later, we were driving to Acapulco's in ERic's dad's truck, & I reminded him to call that person back. There was an awkward moment when Robert inquired who had called him, & Eric obviously didn't want to say, so the subject was dropped. We got to Acapulco's, & found an Olive Garden "pager" sitting by the door, so Eric eagerly said, "I'll take it back!" (Olive Garden was right next door.) He runs off to take it back...and is gone like 10 minutes. His dad starts to wonder what is taking him so long, & I said, "I'll bet you he's making a phone call." Sure enough, a few minutes later, here he comes, on the phone, & he stops a good 50 feet away from us to complete the phone call. It was Shelly...supposedly, she has lots of drama & needs him a lot. Anyway, they finally called us, & we went in to eat. Randy---Eric's dad---had won 4 free meals at Acapulco's at work, so basically I would be the only one paying. I insisted on paying for myself. Eric was refusing to let me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I explained that I was not going to allow his parents to pay for me, especially after his dad just did something nice for me. We had a very nice dinner, his parents & brother seem to really like me. We joked around a lot. In fact, I got a lot more attention from Eric's family than from Eric. I looked over, & after he was done eating (before anyone else), Eric started playing a video game on his Palm Pilot. Geez...talk about a geek! That would be like me taking my laptop everywhere & checking my email at the dinner table while at a public restaurant. Sheesh. That really irritated me, but oddly enough, it didn't seem to faze his family, so he must do that a lot. That would bug the crap out of me. Come to think of it, when he came over Wednesday night, while we were waiting for my new hard drive to format, he played with his Palm Pilot instead of talking to me (he just got it that day, but still....). I told Eric's parents that I insisted on paying for myself, & they wouldn't let me....finally, his dad said, "Actually, if you just have a $5 bill to add to the tip, so I don't have to get change, that's perfect." So I gladly did that, & offered more. I felt badly, I didn't want them to pay for anything for me. Anyway, we go back to the house, Eric playing the video game all the way home, & Eric's parents start telling me story after story. Eric played his little game the entire time. Finally, at 11PM, they realized they still needed to get to the store to bake for church in the morning, so his mom got up saying, "I hate to leave good company, but we really have to get to the store." After they left, I said to Eric, "Hey, I want to talk to you." He said, "Yeah, you've been wanting to talk to me for a while, what's up?" (Keep in mind, this entire conversation, he doesn't look at me, he's just working on a computer.) I said, "I just wanted you to know that I get it." He looks at me. "Get it," he says? "Yeah," I say, "I get it. I get the hint." He looks at me, innocently, "The hint?" I say, "Yeah....I get it that you only want to be platonic friends." He kinda sighed & said, "Yeah, probably for now. There's just a lot going on in my head right now." I told him that I wished he had been more direct, but whatever. I say I need to go, & he walks me to my car. He repeats his offer to get me any software I need...if I need anything I see at Fry's or CompUSA, he can probably get it for me. And while he gets sick of working on everyone's computers, he doesn't mind helping me, because I am always genuinely appreciative. I tell him I appreciate that offer, & thank him profusely for installing the CD changer, & told him, "Well, I truly appreciate you doing all this for me, so I definitely at least owe you dinner, so if you ever want to collect, give me a call." Eric, not being a stupid person, says, "Are you saying that you don't want to hang out anymore, or what?" I said, "Well, Eric, do you remember when we were watching TV, & that character told a guy she had been dating that she didn't feel romantic about him, but she wanted them to be friends? You mentioned how that was the kiss of death for men, & there was no such things as being able to be friends after being romantic. And now you are telling me that you want to be friends? You said that kind of thing was bullshit & just didn't happen. So what am I supposed to think?" He kinda laughed, & he said he DID still want to be friends. He'd call me....I told him I wouldn't hold my breath, & then I left. And basically, cried all the way home. Yes, I saw it coming. But it still stung.

So yesterday, I am driving to Tustin to meet Erin's mom to drive down to Fallbrook for the wedding. When I am almost there, Eric calls & leaves me a voice mail (I didn't answer my cell, cause it said, "restricted ID"), asking for a big favor. He left his cellphone charger in my truck, & his cellphone was almost dead. This is a big problem for him, because he uses his cell for everything. He doesn't have a land line at his house. I knew he had already left for church, so I left a message at his parent's house, saying he could come by my house for it late that night, since I would be near San Diego all day, at a wedding. I also pointed out that I had mentioned the wedding (& it being in Fallbrook) in the car ride to Acapulco's the night before, & his dad had even commented on it....but since he was busy with his Palm Pilot, perhaps he didn't catch that. I also made a pointed (catty, I admit it) remark about how would he & Shelly survive without her being able to get in touch with him? Anyway, I got home earlier than I expected from the wedding, so I called him to tell him that I was home, & he was welcome to come by to get his charger on his way home. I left the message on his cell, because I KNEW he would have found some way to charge his phone, or maybe had gone out & bought a new one. He's addicted to his phone. Around 9:30 or so, I finally got through to his parent's house (the line had been busy), & his brother answered. I told him who I was, & he was like, "Oh, hey, what's up?" I just told him I was looking for Eric, to see if he was coming to get his charger, & Robert said that Eric had left several hours ago, & he wasn't sure if he was coming back or had already headed for home. So I called & left Eric another message, saying I was going to bed, so if he did still need the charger, he'd better tell me what he wanted to do.

The next day, Eric emailed me & said that he did still need to get the charger. He said he was at a movie with Robert & some friends until 11:30PM (funny...since when I called at 9:30, Robert answered & hadn't seen Eric in a while). He said he didn't understand the Shelly comment. He asked if we could see each other, have dinner, & then he could get his charger some time this week. He said he re-charged his phone with his sister's charger, & hadn't gotten my messages until he got home late, cause the phone had been charging.

I emailed him a looooooooong email full of all my thoughts & emotions over the last couple of weeks. He responded. He said Shelly WAS just a friend, but he definitely has a huge emotional connection with her (personally, I think they will end up dating eventually). He said he had told me he wanted to take it slow, but then I had started "freaking out" about sex, & he didn't want that, so we needed to be just friends. We weren't supposed to get emotionally attached to each other. How DARE he? As if I got emotionally attached on PURPOSE? So I could purposely set myself up to get hurt? Sheesh! I told him that I would not apologize for my feelings...I didn't intend on liking him so much, & cannot help how I feel. I also explained to him that I don't give two shits about sex....that if we had never had it, I would have been okay with that....but I DID find it odd that he didn't want to....since frankly, in my 30 years, I have never had a guy turn down sex with me, when I am willing & naked on top of him. Come on....that IS odd! So yes, I might have mentioned it a lot from that standpoint, but not from the, "Come onnnnnn....let's have it" standpoint. Sheesh. That proves he doesn't know me very well, since I have often said that I don't care about intercourse (but love everything else). I also mentioned how he has never seemed interested in me, my emotions, my thoughts, etc. But he said he did like me, & was definitely attracted to me, but just doesn't want anything serious right now. He still wants to hang out with me, because I am "good people."

So I told him I have dinner plans for tomorrow night, & plans Wednesday night (I do), & could possibly see him Thursday night. Or he could just come by tonight on the way home from his parent's house (he goes down there on Monday nights for volleyball), & pick up the charger. I told him if he didn't want to deal with me, I could even just leave it on the porch. He said he might stop by tonight & get the charger (& show me how to run virus scan....my damn sister just sent me a virus, & regardless, I need to learn how to run it every day), but regardless, even if he gets the charger tonight, he wants to have dinner with me Thursday night. I am still a bit unclear why he wants to remain friends with me, & I said as much. I told him that dinner Thursday was my treat, but he MUST leave the Palm Pilot behind.
He agreed to that. :-)

So....we are just friends....he is calling my sister right now in fact, to try to help her with her pc problem. He's a basically nice guy....who just didn't like me as much as I liked him, & cannot be blamed for that. He SHOULD have been more honest/upfront with me, but he admits he was wrong there, & hey, we all know men are cowards about stuff dealing with emotions.

So that's that.

Now I can move on to meeting some of these other guys that I brushed aside for Eric. :-) And the cycle continues.

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