Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

Confusion abounds.....

So I can't get Franco out of my head. Not sure what that means......

It could mean many things.....

Did I fall for him? I don't know. I sure am having a hard time getting him off my mind. That's for sure. But that doesn't necessarily mean I fell in love with him. It could just be that he was the first guy who really seemed to like me & vice versa in a long-ass time.

Other than the excessive drinking thing (and I question if he would do that if he was off the ship, since all the employees seem to sit around & do nothing but drink too much every night) & the smoking (which he claims he is quitting....riiiiiight), he was pretty much my ideal. He is charming, intelligent, talented, funny as hell, handsome, sweet, thoughtful, etc.

So why couldn't I have met this guy in my hometown, for Heaven's sake? Why did it have to be a guy who is living on a cruise ship in the Mediterranean???? What kind of shitty luck do I have?

Or maybe Franco's point in my life was to show me that I CAN love, or can be liked, etc.....I dunno.

I haven't heard a peep from him in response to my emails. That, in itself, doesn't worry me too much....yet. His parents were flying in the day I left, & were going to cruise with him for 2 weeks, so between entertaining them, working (he works non-stop), & partying too much, I can't imagine when he is checking his email. I doubt anyone on the ship checks their email too much, & he, in particular, is pretty busy right now. If I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks.....then I think that will definitely speak volumes.

He said so many things, & did so many things, that would logically lead me to think he was more interested in a "fling." But, for all I know, he might say the same things to a different passenger every damn week. He is such a charmer, & all the ladies loved him. I can't imagine he was fooling around with anyone besides me last week, because he only had one day off, & he spent it with me. But it could happen weekly....for all I know. He seemed to resent the implication that he has a different woman in every port....but it could be true. However, my gut tells me he's not like that. I think he's like me....I think he's a huge flirt.....but not a playboy or a slut. That's just honestly not the impression I got of him.

And all the comments he made....they were evidently not made to get sex, since we didn't have sex. All we did was make-out, & he didn't have to say anything nice to get that! :-) And the comments continued AFTER we left the hotel, when he knew we wouldn't be able to hook up again, so if he was only saying them to "get in my pants," why would he have CONTINUED making them AFTER he got in my pants? There would have been no point.

OK....so what comments did he make? Well, he kept saying things like, "When we get married," blah-blah-blah. I finally, at one point, said, "Well, you realize when we get married, that you'll have to stop smoking." That's when he said he was already planning to. In my experience, you can't PAY most men to even jokingly utter the "M" word (marry, married, marriage, etc). They just don't joke about it, especially if it's just a fling. Then he called his mom, to talk to her before they flew out. He said to her, "I am here at the Acropolis with the greatest girl in the world." Guys don't usually even mention a "fling" to the moms.....at least, in my experience. If he thought he was never going to see me again, why mention me to his mom? That seems odd to me. I am a chick, & I wouldn't tell my dad about some guy I planned on having a short fling with. Hell, I don't mention a guy to my dad unless it's getting pretty serious. So that was odd. In the taxi, we were joking about getting a hotel, & I told him it wouldn't be worth it, cause I pictured them being really expensive. He said, "Are you saying you are not worth it?" I said, "Actually, I am very worth it, I just don't want you spending that kind of money for an hour or so." He said, "It would be worth it to me to just hold you in my arms. Honestly, I think I could resist, I just want to hold you." And not ONCE did he push sex, even AFTER he spent money on the hotel (he first told me it was $10, then he owned up to $14, & no telling how much he really spent), not once. He didn't even suggest it, didn't even ask, "Would it be okay if....," "could we?", "would you like to?"....nothing. Most guys would have at least asked, if not pushed, trying to make you feel guilty that they spent money on the room, etc. But not him. Which I thought was not only cool, but extremely unusual for a man. Doesn't it seem that if he just wanted a fling, he would have at least suggested sex? Or tried to find out if I would have sex with him BEFORE getting the room? I honestly feel that if I had said I would only cuddle, he would have been content with that. I could be wrong, but that's the honest impression I get. He didn't even ask for oral sex, didn't push my head down in that direction, nothing.....like most guys would have done. He didn't push anything. And he was so sweet & gentle the whole time. He took a picture of me with his camera, sitting on the bed holding the room key. And when we left the hotel, I said, "Hey when we get married, we can come back here for our honeymoon!" And he said, "Please, we are going someplace MUCH nicer than this for our honeymoon!" And in the taxi on the way back, the driver commented that no way could we have gotten a taxi to the Acropolis for $5. Franco replies, "Maybe he thought my girlfriend was cute!" I said, "Your WHO?" And he said, "My girlfriend!" And he pulled me close to him, saying I was sitting much too far away, & kept holding me & kissing me, even though he was stressed about getting back in time. And frankly.....again, if he WAS viewing it as JUST a fling, would he have had dinner with my entire family? I believe he gets free food as an employee, & actually tipped OUR waiter & assistant waiter (which passengers don't do until the last night), so he SPENT money on dinner with us when he would have eaten for free in the employee mess hall (what he called it). Would a guy who was just interested in someone for messing around physically eat dinner for 2 hours with her family? Charm her grandmother? Somehow, I doubt it. He could have made up some excuse why he couldn't make it to dinner. He could have declined originally. But he dressed in a tux & joined us. He came seeking me out looking for me to sign his book (he has "new friends" sign it), & gave me his "card" with his email addy on it. The next night, when I hugged him goodbye, he seemed honestly incredulous when he thought I was saying we would never see each other again. He had talked about having me come stay on the ship with him, when he got ACD (assistant cruise director).

But I just don't know. I don't know what to think. I am very confused, because regardless....even IF there was something there between us on both ends, what would we do? He lives on a cruise ship 9-10 hours away by plane....and I don't have the money to fly back & forth (nor could my body handle the jet-lag). How would we have any kind of relationship? I don't believe in long-distance relationships.....I think they allow for too many temptations. It's too easy to say, "She/he will never know that I slept with this person, she/he is thousands of miles away!" And if you have a tragedy happen, how soon are you able to be comforted by your partner?

But I am getting ahead of myself, anyway. I may never hear from him again. It all may have been a lie. It just might have been a fling to him. Maybe it was to me, too.

It's funny....cause last summer on the cruise, I KNEW Anis was just a cruise fling. Even though he gave me his address on the ship & spoke of coming to stay with me on his break from the ship (I think he was more serious than I was), I knew it was just a summer fling. He was a sweet guy, but it was just that. But with Franco....I continue to think about him. It wasn't just a physical attraction. He made me feel good about myself....he said I was gorgeous, he said my body was gorgeous. He said I made HIM feel good. He made me laugh, a LOT (very valuable in my book). He charmed me. He speaks 3 languages fluently, he's intelligent. He's talented, he's funny on his feet & can play the piano. He loves & respects his mother. He's handsome. And damnit, I can't stop thinking about him. It's driving me nuts, cause I am not sure what's going on in my head. And even worse, I am not sure what's going on in HIS head. I almost feel like, if he HAD been truly interested in me, he would have MADE time to email me, to see if I got home okay, to tell me he missed me, etc. But that hasn't happened.

So I am just a ball of confusion, & don't know what to do or think. <>

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    Still no clue what I'm going to do. No clue at all.

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