Pollyanna (alicenwndrln) wrote,

How does my life suck....?

.....let me count the ways....


Actually, I really only have one major problem, & it's not a new one....

Yep.....MONEY!!!! My curse....money problems.

I don't know if I will make my rent on Saturday. I always need $1100 on the first....those are the bills that HAVE to be paid, no way out of it. I might have $800, if I am lucky. So I am short $300. And I am behind on so many bills, & about to fall even further behind.

To make matters worse....it's about to GET worse.

My job goes back to weekends only after this weekend. I am jobless, Mon-Fri. And whereas I'd normally try to slip back into some extra work, I am behind paying my agency, so I cannot even do that. I am going to be avidly looking for employment.....but that doesn't solve the problem of paying my bills UNTIL I get a job.

The scary thing is....I have no CLUE what I am going to do! I guess I can always do temp work, but $8 an hour won't pay my bills. I am going to look into a sleezy "gentleman's club" kinda job, but I just got cast in a show (that's actually a GOOD thing), so I will not have that many nights free.....I could also look into a 3-6AM newspaper delivery job, but I doubt that pays too much, either. And how miserable of a job would THAT be, anyway?

So I am seriously SCARED. I truly don't know what's about to happen to me...

My Indian friend, Javier, told me yesterday that I will come out okay in the end, but the important thing is "attitude".....I MUST stay positive. How do you stay positive when the world appears against you? When the weight of the world is on your shoulders? When your bills are piling up & you have no money to pay them? When you don't see how things are going to get better? When you don't have a job? Etc., etc....
I truly TRY to remain positive....but how can I? So far, a positive attitude hasn't done TOO much for me. And the money worries are ALWAYS in the back of my mind, nagging me....

There are some good things....but everything is mixed news...good AND bad.

I met a nice guy, Darryn. He is the lead singer of a band who appears to be doing pretty well, cause they are opening for American Hi-Fi next month (it's a bit odd, cause honestly, I thought Darryn was the weakest link in the group...he doesn't have the greatest voice). I have actually known him, through the net, for a year or so....we have exchanged emails back & forth forever, him originally responding to my personal ad. For some reason, we just never got around to meeting in person. Finally, I took my friend Jeff to see Darryn's band play. The chemistry between us was pretty major. I had absolutely no expectations by that point, I just thought I was being supportive by showing up. Apparently, he liked me, too, cause he later emailed me to tell me that he couldn't get me off his mind later that night, & that he'd love to see me again....alone. We talked after that online, & seemed to have quite a bit in common...both from small towns, some old-fashioned morals, etc. The conversation took the turn they eventually all do.....sexual. And pretty damn graphic. He even emailed me pictures of his penis....I didn't think he actually would, but he did...which was CRAZY. It was also intimidating...cause in the pics, he looked HUGE!

So he decided to return the favor & come see ME perform at work, in the saloon show. He saw a show, then we walked around & just hung out. He had a good time (drove a long way to see the show), & we made arrangements to hang out later....he was having a friend over to watch a football game, & invited me to come over, too. So I went over there....and after his friend left, one thing led to another....and suffice it to say, the picture did NOT lie! OUCH! That was not remotely a pleasant experience, & I am of the belief that sex should never be painful. It simply AIN'T worth it. Further spoiling the evening....he was extremely unimpressive in the oral sex department. I was really disappointed, & even more disappointing, he didn't "finish the job"....and didn't seem to be that anxious to do so any other way.

So....as much as I originally saw some legitimate potential there, I am letting this one go. I was wondering how I would have a fairly regular sex life with him, if we started dating, cause it was so painful & unfulfilling. And then he made my decision easier. Sexual relations with someone you care about should NEVER be about forcing someone to do something they do not want to do. "Forcing" is a strong word, maybe "pressuring" is better. Apparently, Darryn has this really kinky side. As many times as I told him "no way, jose," he kept repeating how much he wanted to ejaculate all over me. I am SO not into that. I detest sperm/cum. I think it's disgusting. I don't want it on me or in me. Ever. Period. Any guy who came in my mouth after head would either (a) NEVER get it again, cause I would no longer trust him, or (b) never be ABLE to again, cause I'd bite his dick off. But cumming on my body is almost as bad....I just don't like it. We all have our preferences, & I am a lot more fun & more open-minded than most chicks. So I told him a million times, no, I am NOT into that, & he just kept bringing it up, "I just want to cum on my beautiful partner's body!" I repeatedly said no, I am not into that. After the millionth time, he said, "Well, I am not really into going down on a girl, but I do it anyway." Hmmm....my personal philosophy is that any guy who isn't REALLY into cunnilingus (sp?) is GAY. Every guy I have ever been with (ok....at least oral sex wise, that number is pretty high) has literally BEGGED me to let them do that. I am not even kidding. Even after I have an orgasm, they want to continue, I literally have to physically pull them away. So, while I admit to being a woman who isn't into giving head & *I* am not gay, I find a man who isn't into giving oral sex to be a bit strange. Which would explain why he's so bad at it. He says, "So I will eat you out if you let me cum on you." So I said, "Okay then, you don't eat me out, I won't suck your dick, & you don't cum on me." I don't NEED any of it! I honestly couldn't care less. If I found a man who only ever wanted to kiss & neck, heck, I'd be happy with that. And for the rest of the online conversation, he just kept going on & on about that, like a man obsessed. And to make it worse....he asked me if the photos lied. I said, no, you really ARE huge. And he said, "Did it hurt?" And I said, "Honestly? Yes, it did. But maybe it's because I haven't had it in a while, and/or we need more lube." Instead of saying something like, "Gosh, I sure am sorry it hurt you....can we do anything to prevent that from happening again? Gee, I sure feel bad about that. I wouldn't want to cause you pain," he simply said, "Maybe we need to do it more so it won't hurt?" Ugh. There's some concern for ya.

I don't regret it. I have gotten to the point where I try not to regret such things. But boy...don't I choose unwisely? I actually saw romantic potential in this guy...not just a "fuck." That's what I get....

I met another guy on Sunday, Brian, after my show. He was very nice...but there was definitely no chemistry there...it was not a "love match," & I am not sure how impressed he was with me. He wasn't as handsome & "wonderful" in person, anyway.

Then I met my future boyfriend yesterday. I am kidding, of course, but I wish I weren't! I met a great guy whom I'd like to get to know better....he seemed to have interest in me, too...but boy, am I beginning to doubt my instincts on that one. It's kinda an amazing story, though.

There is a little girl, Jaci, who ADORES Linus, Lucy, & Charlie Brown at Knott's. Her mother, Lori, brings her to see us all the time, as they have annual passes (sometimes she brings her son, Coleman, too). Jaci's 3rd birthday is Sunday, so she wanted to have her party with all her little friends at Knott's, with the Peanuts Gang. So we performed "Rockin' Party" for her, at their request, to her whole party. I turned to someone & said, "Damn, Jaci's father is HOT!" Well, it didn't turn out to be Lori's husband, but her brother. And he's single. He was so gorgeous, ALL the girls could talk of nothing else BUT him afterwards. After the show, since I had seen Lori's husband taking pics of the kids (I didn't know who he was, either, at the time), I asked Lori (who is friendly with all of us) which one was Jaci & Coleman's daddy. She pointed out the guy who had been taking pics, I want to call him Jonathan. The HOT guy, I want to call him Patrick (I was so flustered when I met him, I can't remember his name!) ended up being Lori's little brother. She introduced us, & I swear, it was all I could do to not faint! For one thing, not only was his handshake nice & firm (which I love), but his hand lingered on mine longer than it truly needed to. Not only was he gorgeous, but he was built, in very good shape, seems intelligent, & was very nice. He was wearing shades for most of the show, & he was spectacular like that.....but he REALLY got me when he took OFF the shades & had amazing blue eyes underneath them....with jet black hair. *sigh* We chatted for a while, cause he's originally from Kentucky.
We talked about Southern accents. He asked me where I lived. Lori came over & mentioned her birthday being in December, & I asked her what day. She said the 3rd, & I pointed out that my b'day was Dec. 1st. We laughed & said we could celebrate our b'days together, & she said, "Yeah, but the difference is, I will be 39 & you are turning, like, 21." I laughed & said, "Please, I will be 30!" Complete & total shock registered on all 3 of their faces, & "Patrick" said that he thought for SURE that I was younger than HE was, & he's 28. He seemed to perk up to me even more when he found out I was NOT as young as I looked. I later asked "Jonathan" if "Patrick" was single....he said that he had JUST started dating a girl, & when I said, "Bummer," he was quick to assure me that it was all very new & nothing major yet.....as if he wanted to encourage me to go for it. When "Patrick" left, he said, "Well, best of luck to you," & held my gaze.

So...I am trying hard to be patient here. There really isn't much I can do, anyway. ALL I can do is, when Lori & Jaci come in next time, I am going to give Lori my card with my number on it....and tell her to have her brother call me IF he was interested. That's all I can do. And that's embarrassing enough. But hey....carpe diem!

I will keep you updated on that....and I have NO idea when I will see them again, & we go to weekends only after this weekend. So geeeeeeez.....I have to be patient, & it's killing me. I literally thought of little else all last night....and even visualized us kissing.
We'll see what happens....Cherie was in Lucy, & said she saw him seriously checking me out, & she can see that without anyone noticing her. And I DID pick up mutual interest....but maybe I picked it up because I wanted to...not because it truly existed. We'll see....

One last bit of good news, then off to bed.

My daddy bought me a '98 Ford Ranger XLT!!!! My car, a '98 VW Beetle, is CRAP. It's an awful car, full of "bugs." I have had problem after problem. I guess my dad got tired of hearing me tell him about the problems, & since he LOVES trucks, was excited when I told him *I* wanted a truck. So he found one that he liked, & bought it for me! He has to ship it out from his state, & I have to sell my car & pay him back whatever I get for it (& that might not be much).

I am experiencing a mix of emotions. I am so excited, & can't wait to get the truck. But....I am nervous, too, cause I have never driven anything but a small, compact car. A big king-cab truck will be a HUGE change....parking, driving, parallel parking in particular. Also, I am a bit sad.....the new Beetle was, literally, my dream car. It's SO adorable to look at. I really like the purple light on the dashboard at night....I like that I can fill the back window with stuffed animals. I love the DESIGN of this car....and it VERY much fits me, visually. And it was the FIRST car I ever bought entirely myself, with my own money. So, indeed, I am saddened. It will be sad to let it go....even though it's only ever been one (cute) headache....

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    Still no clue what I'm going to do. No clue at all.

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